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male
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anonymous
writes: I am divorced and have been in a "serious" relationship for 3 1/2 years with a woman is also divorced. About a year and a half into the relationship, it was going great, and I was madly in love. I had taken her to Italy and believed that she loved me, though she had only lip-synched it to me once, over a romantic dinner in Florence. But then, an old boyfriend turned up, one with whom she had had a brief, but passionate affair right after her marriage broke up. Suddenly, every time I was with her, there was a phone call from him. How do I know? She would actually take the call! Day or night, whether we were on our way to dinner in the car, just hanging out, or even very late at night, right after we had made love! Now here's another complication. She is Russian, and so all the calls were spoken in Russian, so I have no idea what was said. But from the tone of her voice, she communicated to this guy with great tenderness and feeling. When I complained that she was spoiling our relationship, she dismissed this as my problem, not hers, that I was being jealous and insecure over something that was just a friendship. But my belief is that by doing this she was communicating 2 things. To him, she had obviously let him know that even though they had parted ways earlier, that he was still very special, and could enter her "space" at any time, day or night, even if she was with me. To me, she was communicating that I was not as special as I thought, and that even though she would tell me that I'm number one, she had the power to knock me back to number 2 at any time she wanted. Now, after 3 and a half years of tolerating this, and her constantly lying that this is merely a friendship with him, and that she hardly ever talks to him, she communicates just over email, and that she's deleted him from her speed-dial (even though I see his name pop up in her cellphone log every single time she checks to see if her children have called her), I feel I cannot trust her because of these lies. In fact, she admits to the lies, but blames me for forcing her to lie, because I am so opposed to this "friendship." And I certainly don't feel special (there was even an incident one time when she interrupted our late-night phone call to take a call from him. How do I know? She hit the wrong button and I was still on the line to hear her purr a very sexy "helloooooooo" when she thought she'd switched over to him. I've told her because of the fact that she won't let go of him and that I can't trust her because of all the times she's lied to me, that it's time to break up. In fact, I feel like a doormat, and that I should have broken up with her 2 years ago, when she first brought him back into her life, and threw this in my face. And yet, I love her madly, which is why I've put up with this for so long. She says I'm throwing away something beautiful and incredible and that I'm giving in to an over-active imagination. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): I agree with Malyce_Synn72. You should not tolerate this behavour. When me girlfriend did something similar to me I gave her an ultimatum and I was quite prepared to leave her. She decided to stop seeing her ex and time will tell whether she is trustworthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): You don't love her madly. You are caught up in loving a woman who is NOT 'attainable' for reasons that somewhere in your childhood, this whole dynamic was taught to you.
Was you mother or grandmother emotionally or physically unavailable to you? Sister, cousin, father, brother????
Why would you punish yourself like this? You are a smart man and KNOW that she is not a reliable and trustworthy woman.
She sounds emoitionally manipulative and controlling as you have picked up on what doesn't make her happy...like questioning her and making her feel uncomfortable for hurting you. HOW SELFISH and UNCARING!!
I don't care how beautiful she is...that is just the outside and NOT WORTH IT!!
You need to see you are a good man worthy of a good, loving, emotionally faithful and available woman.
Seek counseling for yourself so that you can realize this isn't all you. Get strong. Get smarter.
See her for what she is...shallow, cold, uncaring and not worthy of your love.
Best of wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): And as Eyeswideopen and I had mentioned, she doesn't look like your type of woman then.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 August 2006):
 I certainly can understand where you are coming from, I'd feel like yesterday's baked goods if my partner did this to me. You will have to decide whether you will be better off if you stay with her (and mind you she isn't going to change) or if you would be happier down the line with a woman that puts your relationship first in her life. If it's the latter then you need to move on so you can start looking. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, yes, at this point I am feeling quite insecure. Because I feel I have only myself to blame for allowing this to continue. The scenarios you described for yourself are a bit different from what I've been going through. She gave her former boyfriend to practically have an all-access pass to her "space," with zero concern for my feelings. And by sticking around, I realize I'm actually to blame for allowing it. Why? For love. So am I a fool? Or an idealist? I don't know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): You sound very insecure from your comments. For me, some of my (then) gf's keep in touch with their ex's. Of course, I am not comfortable with it, but so long as she is friends with them, what am I going to do? Start arguments?
"Trust" is a very vague concept in the world of love. "Acceptance" on the other hand is what I would use in place of "trust". With that said, I make the best of it, despite my discomfort. Over time, if the relationship becomes strong enough, it doesn't matter who she talks to, how she talks to them (to a degree of course), and how long they talk for, because when the relationship becomes stronger, all that other stuff will become weaker (for the most part).
Instead of expressing insecurities or 'concern', I even 'join-in' to her conversation. After she hangs up, I would ask, "Hey, he said he's going to visit his dad at the ranch. You told me that you really enjoyed your time there before, and that his dad's not well nowadays. If you want, I don't mind if you go visit him and his dad."
She always gave me a side-ways look and ask me, "Are you okay with that?" I would smile and say, "No, not really, but it was a time when you had a lot of fun. It's okay really."
And so on and so forth. In terms of loving someone, I will never stop her from doing the things she want just because I may not like it. Mind you, if it's blatantly wrong, then of course, I will take action.
I'm giving you a perspective. From the look of things, she isn't your type of woman if you can't take her liberal-mindedness. Then again, she is somewhat selfish, but her selfishness is the smaller of the bigger problem - which IMO, is your insecurities.
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