A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Someone please tell me I'm not crazy. I'm ruining my relationship with a man I'm truly in love with. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We live together and spend a lot of time together. For some reason lately I've been feeling so insecure and jealous. We went out to dinner last night and he was instant messaging someone on his phone, I asked who he was talking to and he said an EX- girlfriend!! I got really mad but didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a scene... He never said anything else about her. Who knows how long they've been talking or what they talk about.. Am I completely overreacting or should I be okay with him talking to his ex's whenever he wants?? We're not in middle school anymore this is an adult relationship - why do I feel like this then??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): You are not crazy :)You do need to talk to him about this and let him know how you felt.But, you need to make sure you are careful about how you talk to him about it, so that it doesn't escalate into a big argument. The trick is to let him know he did something wrong, without making him get defensive by sounding like you are blaming him for how insecure you have been feeling [even if he has been causing it]. You need to make sure you stay calm and keep a hold of yourself during the conversation, perhaps trying to show no emotion as you talk to him. Begin by telling him that you've been feeling insecure lately, and that you felt angry the night of the dinner but held it in because you didn't want to cause a scene there [it's important that you focus on communicating how you felt first, rather than what he did]. Then tell him that you feel it's important that you let him know this instead of bottling it up, becuase you think it would cause problems further down the line. Men aren't mind readers, and if you act like nothing is wrong, they can think nothing is wrong, and they will carry on doing the thing that made you unhappy.You can then clarify that IMing an ex is not really something a man should do when he is supposed to be having nice dinner out with his lady as it is rather disrespectful to her [saying it like this sort of seperates the situation from your relationship so that he sees that it's wrong, but doesn't feel so persecuted, it's a subtle but important distinction].Throughout the conversation, make sure you listen to, understand, and acknowledge anything he says, and don't let your emotions run riot and control you :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): My ex and I stress EX husband texted his girlfriend at our Christmas lunch table over and over again. I explained to him it was rude and inconsiderate but he didn't care. It is good that he told you who he was texting but it is not acceptable to do this infront of you while you are out to dinner. Please tell him that this is wrong and let him know why it has upset you so much. It is plain rude. I would never use my phone at the dinner table at all no matter who I was with.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (6 May 2009):
 If this was my boyfriend I would have gone mad!! Its wrong! You're right to feel the way you do. Tell him what he has done and how it made you feel, then he's not likely to do it agai,bx
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A
male
reader, Rousseau +, writes (6 May 2009):
You are not overreacting. Positive point is that he is obviously not hiding it from you. Negative point is that he is obviously not hiding it from you; which shows that he seems to think there is nothing wrong with it or has not considered how you would feel about it. Obvious answer is to tell him how you feel about it - ask him how he would feel if the table was turned.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): hmmm i dont know what to tell you hun. On one hand he at least told you it was his ex and didnt hide it, but on the other hand, he shouldnt be texting ANYONE if he is having dinner with you, even if he wasnt your boyfriend, it's still rude because you're suppossed to be the center of his universe at that moment. talk to him and ask him what's going on with his ex, observe body language...
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