A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Ever since we met we have pretty much been connected at the hip. We have been talking for hours and hours every day. We have pretty much spent the past 7 years together, like every day except for maybe when we had to vacation at different times.We have always been very open in our relationship. We keep no secrets, tell each other everything. We both have access to each others e-mail accounts and phones and so on and so forth.Recently he has been under a lot of stress at university because of assignments and exams coming up. Also since he has been living on campus we have been seeing less of each other.Now onto the problem. Basically, from the beginning of the year (School year, aka September 2012) he has started talking to me a lot less, to the point where sometimes he doesn't talk to me for days at a time. He never calls me anymore or texts me unless I text him first, and even then he responds like 3 hours later at best. He says it is because of stress but this has never happened before. Sometimes he has a really big assignment to hand in and I worry about if he got it in on time or not so when the deadline passes I wait to hear from him but he doesn't call me or say anything. Eventually when I call him he doesn't pick up.I've tried talking to him, telling him how important our communication is to me and asking him if there was a problem in our relationship but he denies that anything is wrong or different and says that he still loves me. I've asked him to send me at least a couple texts a day and he promises that he will and then doesn't do it. He says that he is really busy and doing work but how long does it take to send a text message, right? He was able to do it for the other 6 years just fine.Also, when we are together (we spend every weekend together) nothing is different from before and he is still wonderful.This lack of communication when he is gone is killing me. Am I overreacting and just spoiled on how much we used to talk for the past 6 years or does this sudden change really mean something?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 A bit of both.
Talk about a " fusional " relationship ! It's not a good thing, you don't know anymore where your Self ends and his starts, you see and value yourself and give meaning to yourself not as an individual but just as part of a couple. He did you a big favour in detaching himself just a bit, at least you have the chance to become your own person, find other ineterests, passtimes and interlocutors other than him, how interesting and complete can be a person who makes a mission of being X's girlfriend ?..
It was too much before, you got used to 24/7 total access, and now that communication is within more normal limits , you feel the difference and resent it, I guess it is normal.
Also, I feel that your bf is like Linus' blanket, all this contact you need is for reassurance, not really for communication. I mean, all the big communication breakdown is 3 hours !, what is it so important you've got to tell him that it can't wait 3 hours ?
BUT : any change always means something . Not necessarily something bad or dramatic , ( when you meet up everything is loving as usual, therefore so far so good )but it means that something has become different, or is being seen differently, otherwise things would have stayed the same.
It may mean that , growing up and having to deal with other responsibilities and WANTING to make time for other things other than his gf, your bf feels that he does not want to conduct your relationship the same way as it was before , that way does not work anymore for him, it was a kiddie way. When you say, it was allright for 6 years, well, he was not in college those 6 years, now not only he is and has got more stuff to do, but probably he realizes, consciously or subconsciously, that he wants to branch out , and have an adult relationship, with time and space for other priorities and personal pursuits , not just playing SiameseTwins. As strange as it may sound to you, the " two peas in a pod , the two of us against the word " is not something that would appeal to many grown ups, even if they are much in love.
Of course, seeing that he is so young too, and seeing the incredible fuss you'd make over it, your bf is not handling this properly. He is not sitting you down, and telling you " I love you dearly, but WE need some space to be and do other things than just being lovey dovey. WE need to be able to COME BACK to each other with longing and happiness, not to be glued togethr to begin with ".
So, instead he is doing the passive aggressive thing, being " busy " , inching away, " forgetting " to text you etc.
The truth is, he does not WANT to do these things anymore, he does not want to text you all day, etc. Because, as you acutely observe, when there's a will there's a way, and people always end up doing what they really WANT to do. You, I bet you'd manage texting him even if you were working shifts at the coal pits :).
That things are changing, though, does not have to mean that he loves you less, or he's getting tired of you, or does not care. It just means, to me, that he is growing up and maturing and evolving... and that you should too :).
So, give him his space, let him breathe, don't stir up any drama, at least until your relationship is still the same even with less texting, i.e. until he is loving caring respectful and when you are together you make each other happy. All that texting and calling and talking- it's just a bad habit that you have to wean yourself off, and maybe this is a good occasion to discover and develop other passions and interest than your bf. Romantic love IS important, no denying it, but , believe me, it can't be the be all and and all of a woman's life !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): I think you saw too much of each other everyone needs time on their own and space from their partner. I know the feeling though when my boyfriend had big assignments he would take the stress out on me and not talk to me for hours, it is a very stressful time, but it really hurt me.I don't think your totally overreacting as even though he is busy your suppose to be his girlfriend and you need some attention too, not a lot just a bit like you said a couple of texts. If you feel that strongly about it when you see him next tell him that you totally understand that his university is important but he is neglecting the relationship and that it is really hurting you. University is very stressful and I know you say a text takes a few seconds but when he's got all that on his mind such as deadlines and the thought of failing he probably doesn't think or realise how much it is upsetting you.
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