A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing what some may call my "boyfriend" but not official for about 5 months. This gets complicated so hopefully I can make this clear enough to understand. I started working at a strip club, yes, dancing right after my 20th birthday. After only a few days of working I met a very handsome man who was there with his girlfriend and friend. They ended things within a month and I had seen him again there. There was a clear attraction but my opinion on the situation is jaded because of where we did meet.We exchanged numbers and talked on and off for about 3 months..never having having sex. The strange part about my working there is that I don't drink, and I was not doing it to support some drug habit. Simply because I understood the money that I could make.We stopped talking for 3 months when I eventually could no longer take working there and what I was doing. He had offered me a job at one of his bars, bartending. But, I insisted I didn't need his help.I caved and took the job, trying hard to ignore his attempts at getting my attention. It worked for about two weeks..and then I let him take me to dinner. We have been together ever since..and he constantly tells me he wants me to be his girlfriend. But, I can't believe him.He has many many female friends..all beautiful and has a reputation for getting any woman he wants. I fall short of trusting him although I do spend nights at his home, and spend time with him and his son. I find myself constantly yo-yoing my efforts because of my confusion. We will consistently talk for 5 days and then I get scared and ignore him for two. Last time I blocked his phone number..ironically I was working that day..he had asked my manager to ask me to call him and called his bar asking why I was ignoring him. When we part after seeing eachother sometimes he asks "am I going to hear from you or are you going to run?"He lives not too far away and will not come see me where I live and..it is very difficult for me to justify chasing after a grown man so that is part of why I ignore him. (because I will go see him and I feel terrible after wards) My birthday is coming up, and he is in his early 30's. Am I over thinking this all and chasing him away?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your feedback! :) Now for my answers...The next time I met him they had been broken up, but I knew he was still hung up on her and I was seeing someone else so I ignored it. He had asked me out to dinner many times but I didn't have the heart to be unfaithful to the guy I was seeing at the time. He did come see me a few times at work..but only for conversation because I would not see him outside of work. The sexual tension was out of this world..I knew I had to ignore him.Does he go out with other woman? Yes he does but he insists that they are friends..I have met a few of them that he goes out with on a regular basis. He has also told me that " my friends know that your basically my girlfriend..well at least my friends that are girls know..isn't that a good thing?" this was said during one of our conversations. My age as of now is 20 years old..I am turning 21 in a few weeks. I feel as if my age may be a barrier to us hanging out because I can't go out with him. The first date was about 5 months ago..this was when we started to see each other on a more consistent basis.I still dance occasionally for extra cash..he said that "I know what I would have to do to be his girlfriend." and I didn't know what it was..and he said stop dancing. I have stopped only for the maybe twice a month because work is slow.I'm scared I'm not the only one.. we have have the conversation about if we are sleeping with other people and he assured me he has not slept with anyone else except me.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (1 February 2011):
 He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but there are two things about him that do concern me.
First, you stated, “He has many, many female friends.... all beautiful and has a reputation for getting any woman he wants. I fall short of trusting him although I do spend nights at his home, and spend time with him and his son.”
For some reason, you don’t trust him 100%. Usually, one’s gut feeling is correct. The first time you met him, you were dancing and he was with his girlfriend. The next time, he came by himself, and the two of your exchanged numbers. Was this before he broke up with his girlfriend? For the next 3 months, the two of you spoke on and off… but it doesn’t sound like he ever asked you out. Within this time period, was he visiting you at the club? The reason I am asking is because I have to wonder if he was still with his girlfriend at the time. I know he “told” you they had broken up, but do you suspect they were together while he initially pursued you? This might be one of the reasons why you don’t fully trust him.
Also, since your first date, two weeks after working at the bar, has he been out with any other women that you know of? If so, how often does he take other women out on dates?
The second concern I have pertains to the length of time you have been seeing this man without any real commitment. How long has it been since your first date (the one that happened two weeks after working at his bar)? According to your profile, you are 22 to 25 years old. That tells me, you’ve been involved with this man for at least a year, and probably longer that that.
You stated, “I'm on the verge of ignoring him again.” This is not going to get you anywhere. In all likelihood, you will resume seeing him again, but you will fall into the same situation you are in now. You’re in limbo. The best thing you can do is have a serious discussion about your relationship. Be assertive. Tell him he can move forward with this relationship and make you his girlfriend now, or you are going to move on. It’s only fair to you that you know his intentions.
Anyhow, I look forward to your responses to my questions. It will give us a better idea of what’s truly going on in your situation. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe saying "talk is cheap" has a whole new meaning since I've met him. If I bring up him coming to see me, he says he will, but the attempt is never made. Yeah yeah, I get it..he owns two business' but what the hell?Also, I brought up being his girlfriend a week ago..and it was like he got nervous and changed the subject and ignored what I had said. I sent him a text shortly after saying sorry I had mentioned anything..and he responded with no I want you baby.Yesterday I said I wanted to see him, and he said he'd call me when he was done at work..texted me when he was home but didn't ask if we were still going to hang out. Only when I said I was reading he said.."you should be reading here" my response was a sarcastic yeah..the conversation did not get much further than that. I'm on the verge of ignoring him again. Help :(Thank you so much for your response..it means a lot. 3
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (31 January 2011):
From what I've read about him it doesn't sound to me like he's a bad guy. If he takes all the time to call you and stuff it sounds like he genuinely cares for you. He wants to call you his girlfriend so he's not worried about being committed to you.
To me it sounds like you are over thinking things. Give him a chance?
Although what's up with him not going to visit you? Why won't he? That doesn't make a lot of sense and you didn't explain.
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