A
female
age
51-59,
*emprecara
writes:Hello,I've been seeing a man in another country. We see each other a few times a month for over a year now.Originally we decided that after a year we would decide if we were gonna work towards marriage or not.It's been almost 15 months and he doesnt bring up subject anymore. WHen I bring it up he tells me we'll know when the time is right.Yesterday he told me that there was only one women that he really talked to at a level that he's never been able to talk before. I kinda felt a bit thrown off from that since he made it clear that I don't intellectually challenge him the way she did.He also said that it would be disappointing if things didnt work out with us cause he doesn't want to start allover again in a relationship.He also made it clear that he's afraid to get married cause I might not be happy moving to another country.I kinda felt hurt from his comments but am kinda lost.AM I over reacting? Should I be feeling a bit hurt from this?I fon't know if he's trying to tell me that he doesnt want this anymore??Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 He is throwing up a smokescreen to hide his intentions. He is not serious in settling down with you and this relationship is going nowhere, just bobbing around in the ocean.
You should cut yourself adrift and head your own way.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (6 April 2010):
No...not overreacting. He's kind of throwing up some red flags there: the other woman and he's afraid to get married because he's worried about you? BS! It sounds like he's a bit confused and he's afraid that he might just be settling with you.
I think you need to tell him that you need to hear from him straight up, none of this beating around the bush crap and that he needs to tell you what he wants because you're not going to waste your time on a man that won't make anything happen. You've got better men to meet if this is how he feels. It's 3-months after you two made an agreement as to whether or not the relationship will progress any further. If the relationship is at a standstill, then it's not progressing any further. That usually isn't a good sign.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 April 2010):
 His concerns are reasonable. You are moving away from your family and friends. It may be harder to find a new job. If you are moving to just south of the border then it's no big problem. Do you have to learn a new language? He wants you to be happy. You can't be happy if you are not in the right environment. For a second don't think about him. What do you think about living in his country? If your marriage doesn't work out would you feel stranded?
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A
male
reader, A Man +, writes (6 April 2010):
OK, I'm a man, and I STILL think you should be offended. But sometimes women tell a conversation wrong, like exaggerating the more offensive parts. But i'll just advice on what you told me anyway.
It sounds to me like he is more intellectually interested in this other woman. If he is an intellectual, you could be in trouble. Some intellectuals place WAY too much importance on "high-minded" conversations with a mate. He should have friends for that, opposites make great mates.
It also sounds like he's being way to cerebral about his decisions in love, like he has trouble connecting with his own feelings, does this sound like him?
Deciding NOT to end a relationship because it's too much work to start another one DOES sound very cerebral, and lazy I might add. But if he's the cerebral type, they find relationships extremely difficult and it's hell to them to start all over.
My suggestion is to tell him that it's logical to have opposites as mates. That your strengths compliment his weaknesses. He may rock at science but he sucks at people. Both are valuable skills and you would make a great pair. Something like that.
His concern about living in a different country is a valid one. Different cultures can be exciting, but sometimes depressing in the long haul. You long for the association of "normal" people. I guess it depends on how "foreign" it is and if he plans on you two visiting your home often.
Maybe suggest to him that you live together in this foreign country for a few months before talking about marriage.
These Cerebral guys can be pretty silly, but if you don't have problems putting up with it, then I'd say pursue it. However, if he OFTEN making you feel unimportant, maybe it's time to find someone who is more dedicated to your feelings.
Hope this helps. Good luck and peace be with you :)
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