A
male
age
51-59,
*-Screen-Name
writes:Hi.So, let's describe the events before asking the question. Because they are lenghty, I am starting with the TOO LONG:DIDN'T READ versionTL:DR: She went to a strip show while I don't nor have I done the same. Am I over reacting that she went with her daughters to this strip show even though I was pretty vocal about how I felt about it? (IE, extremely disrepectful to your partner).Now, the details.I never went nor will I ever go see a female stripper show. I have no inclination towards it and I think it's pretty degrading to all parties involved. Don't see the point of it, but won't knock out who does see as we all have different tastes.I have always been pretty vocal about this. We (me and gf) talked about bachelor parties I stated strippers wouldn't be an issue from my side because I don't do that. Also stated as long as she doesn't do it as well we would be fine.To me, and I was vocal about this as well, if you are in a relationship (with me, not really passing judgment on others) I really frown upon the need / want to see other naked bodies other than from your significant other.I THOUGHT this was written in stone. Not long ago she got tickets to see some stripper show, and I'm pretty positive it was her oldest daughter that suggested it. She is having relationship issues of her own (maybe that's relevant to the point). I am thinking my gf due to peer pressure / not wanting to look weak agreed to see it, and when she told me "guess which show I am going to watch", I couldn't believe it. Huge argument needless to say that ended up in a huge fight.Now because I am looking for a fair answer I will also include other pieces of information. She took also her nearly 18 year old daughter. The show is presented by (professional well known international male stripper group)checked some videos on the net and it looks like a strip show even though she told me it wasn't like that. Maybe I can't tell the difference).On one side my head is saying if it's really that harmless why did she take her younger daughter. On the other my head is saying it's really irrelevant because I already had said this for me was an issue and that, personally, I would never do something like that because I think it is extremelly disrepectful to your significant other. She's american if that helps, while I am not. Maybe there's also culture clash at hand? But my question is, am I over reacting? I think I need to hear views of outside sources.We are currently on non speaking terms.Thanks for the read.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2015):
 I don't think you are overreacting at all. If the genders were reversed I'd say the same thing.
IF there are preexisting RULES and BOUNDARIES in a relationship, then BOTH parties stick to them. If an exception arises (like she is invited to a hen do/bachelorette party) and it takes the group of women to a strip club, it's KIND of hard for her to sit outside and wait. Same would go for the guy.
Whether they went to see male or female stripper, I think it besides the point. It's paying to watch someone undress.
I have been to a high end strip club in Europe (both male a female) with strippers and "other" shows ( I won't go into details as it would be rather graphic, not sex just... odd entertainment IMHO). It was an interesting experience, but not something I would or have done again. ( I was single at the time and had NO idea what I walked into, on a hen do).
My husband has been to strip clubs MANY times.. not for the "enjoyment", but to pick up too drunk or too stupid men under his command. He is also not very impressed with the notion of strip clubs.
YOU have to decide if this is OK in your relationship or not.
She might have wanted to "indulge" her daughter and go with her, but that really doesn't excuse it.
I think there are a LOT of worse things she could do then go to a strip club with her daughter. Though I do find a bit creep to go with your child (no matter how "grown" they are.)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 July 2015):
 I love the Thunder from down under or even Chippendales... the guys don't get naked at all... it's good clean fun imo for a bunch of women to go.. the ones that have the most fun are older than me and i"m middle aged.
I've also been to female strip clubs... the girls get way more naked there... and it's a totally different atmosphere.
IF the couple had agreed not to do such a thing and one partner did it anyway, that's disrespecting the partners wishes.
But since you believe her daughter got the tickets and asked her to go and she told you in advance I think you may be over reacting.
how would she feel if you went to a female version of what she saw? if she's ok with it then there is no double standard in the relationship on her part.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2015):
 If it's the Thunder down under group, they don't actually get naked. I haven't been to a male revue since I was in my 20s (and in that one there was no nudity either). But I have heard from female friends that it's a bunch of really muscly men keeping their drawers on while they try to pretend that pelvic thrusting is super hot. Which made my friends laugh but there is something disarmingly different about having men be the purported sex objects. Is that the group they went to see?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 July 2015):
 Yes the rules go for both men and women. I don't care if people are straight, bisexual, gay, transexual. People make their own rules and have to be respected.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): Hi Janiepeg I'm the one who asked the question of you and I totally agree with your answrs . Ao I assume you also believe that if a man attends atrip shows and his girlfriend or wife is hurt by that then he has no place being there ? And that a woman who believes her partner should only see her body naked is equally as justified as the man who feels that way
I was confused because it sounded like you thought men were justified in wanting that yet women should not expect the same from their partner
And of course it should be the same if a woman also does not want her man artending strip ahows with naked women . Right?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 July 2015):
I don't doubt there are double standards in society but the OP thinks that the only naked bodies he should see is his partner's and no one else. So for him, it would be disrespectful to go to a strip club, men or women although to see men it would be worse.
Strip clubs are things you go for curiosity. It's not something people should do regularly, especially in a relationship. This issue is not a man vs woman thing. It's only double standards if the OP wants to watch women stripping but would not allow her to watch men stripping. In a relationship we should try to protect one another's feelings. This is not a champaign of fighting for women's rights. Not wanting your spouse to go to strip clubs is not the same as controlling her life and stifling her independence. There are things, that according to some people, are deal breakers. If the relationship is good it is better to preserve it rather than to fight for who's right who's wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): Janniepeg. Perhaps I misunderstood but Why would a woman go to a strip club of women stripping but find it disrespectful for women to go see mrn stripping ? Sorry but this seems like hey another double standard of which women are always held to ?
Is it somehow worse for women to go than men on your opinion? It would seem that men get so many hall passes and can trash their partners feelings however they like without scrutiny yet women are expected to protectena fragile egos . Poor babies
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): Yes you are over reacting way to much.What do you think that she slept with one of them just because she saw their show.If you continue to not speak with her you will destroy your relationship all by yourself.You need to tell her how sorry you are for over reacting.Here we would call that a controlling man,which is what you are trying to do control her.In the usa we call that a red flag.A red flag is something we watch out for to avoid an abuser.American women are strong and independant.We do not take kindly being told what we can and cannot do.When a man starts to do that we tend to rethink our relationship.So you have to decide if you can handle being with a strong independant woman or not if she has not already decided for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): Hi there. I have to say I have been to a couple of shows over the years -hen do's and such. Haven't enjoyed them much, nor not found them entertaining either, although the biggest part of the entertainment is the female company. I think men watching women is different to women watching men- I know that likely sounds sexist, but I think its true!for women its more of a social night with the girls, embarrassment and shock value, whereas men it is more about ogling and sexual turn on. This has been my experience in any case. Would I respect if my partner felt strongly not to go? Yes I would, if it was that big a deal to him. Would I compromise on a lot of values and views that were different? Not so sure. So I guess what i would say is, if there are a couple of things you consider non negotiable, like this, fair enough. If this,is the tip of the iceberg its worth considering if this is the right relationship, as if you love someone you don't want them to have to change for you any more than you for them
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Maybe the reason she took her younger daughter was because she thought it was harmless fun and she wanted to prove a point to whoever it is with that she has her peer-pressure issues with, presumably her female friends.
Look, this is something I would never do nor would I ever dream of taking my daughter to such a place but then as you say, it is a matter of a clash of cultural values.
Would it affect me if my partner did this? Yes, it would. Would I break-up over this? Maybe not.
OP its your anger talking right now and you are just livid at her for doing something that is a strict no-no for you but once the anger clears, think of it in a more rational manner. Do you really think you should break-up with her over this?
How is she as a girlfriend otherwise? How is she as a mother? Do your core values match?
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A
male
reader, A-Screen-Name +, writes (19 July 2015):
A-Screen-Name is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am conveying that I thought this issue was a question of disrespect. The person in question might have done nothing at all. Thank you for your understanding.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 July 2015):
You are not overreacting. Not many Americans and Canadian women go to see strip shows. I think it's disrespectful. I've only known one more person who watched strip shows with her daughter, and they are Norweigians. In my opinion it's not a healthy thing to do. It's about personal boundaries. When I was 13 I got even comfortable when my mom suggested we see an R rated movie together. Peer pressure means you can't say no to your equal level, same aged friends. Not being able to say no to a daughter means in the future she would always pick her first and disregard your feelings.
Culture clash or not, it is not something you have to accept, although it's unlikely that she touched a stripper and did anything more. I've also seen people forgiven others and got back in the relationship after a cool down period. Whether your relationship can survive depends on how good a person she is, and what she had done for you. I don't think she's remorseful at all so if she apologized it's only to keep the relationship going. She might think you are too uptight, controlling and going to the strip club was to defy you. I'd been to one strip club (watching women) with my ex husband. I can be open minded but if my partner does not want me to do that, it would be easy for me to respect that.
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