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female
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anonymous
writes: Why can't my boyfriend let go of his ex girlfriends?I am in a new relationship (less than two months) with a wonderful man. He's sweet, smart, and funny, and he treats me very well. My parents even like him. I have one huge problem. He still talks to two of his ex-girlfriends who are taking advantage of his kindness.First, he wanted me to meet Ex #1, whom he dated two years ago, and her new boyfriend, who is also a friend of his. They came over to his house, and I spent a very uncomfortable evening of her ignoring me when she wasn't making snide remarks. She also took every opportunity to make fun of my boyfriend, including his skills in bed (which I have no complaints about). I told him how uncomfortable this girl made me and that I never wanted to see her again. He apologized, but I could tell that wouldn't be the end of the problem. Several weeks later, he got a call from Ex #2, who told him that Ex #1 hated me (yes, they're friends!). I was very hurt by this, not only because I know I was nice to her, but also because he hadn't defended me. Last night while he was at my house, he got a call from Ex #2, who was distraught about some guy. He spent about 20 minutes on the phone consoling her, even telling her he would find a counselor for her to go to! When he got off the phone I told him I found that type of relationship with his ex to be extremely inappropriate, because its obvious that she still wants to be with him. We had a huge fight about the call and the relationships with both exes in general. I told him he was being used and that he should cut the unhealthy emotional ties with these women. He feels that I'm trying to control him, but he doesn't seem to realize how much its hurting me. I don't want to lose this man, but I also don't want to feel this way. I don't like the jealous side of me, but I can't stop the way this situation makes me feel. Am I totally out of line to ask him to cut contact with these women?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): If he thought that much of you and realised he was hurting you, then he should be prepared to put you as number one! I'm not saying sever all ties with these girls as they are supposedly his friends, but cool things off a bit. Making comments about his bedroom skills was bang out of order too!, he's making you feel like second best girl, it's not a case of jealousy on your part. I think that maybe the two of you are not compatible, you have your morals ie you wouldn't expect him to meet up with your ex's and let them discuss your bedroom antics!!Whereas he's on a totally different page.I wouldn't be happy myself, he has very intimate relationships with these girls, the fact that they are both friends would worry me too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): You poor thing you must ask him to stop treating you like this. It sounds to me as if your boyfriend can't let go from his last relationships and whilst he is in this state of mind how can he move on with you. You have to tell him to pack it up as it is disrespectful. I do not agree with Dr Pete's earlier comments, I think he may have been sitting in the sun for too long today. You deserve the best treatment and if your boyfriend continues to make a play for his ex's, despite all they have said about you, then I think you need to read him the riot act and find someone to give you the love and respect you deserve.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): I have carefully read all the comments and consider you should really insists your boyfriend, for your benefit as well as his, tries to stop seeing his ex girlfriends. I disagree completely with Dr Pete's advice it was not very sensitive to your feelings. If your boyfirend really has genuine feelings for you he will sever contact with these other girls as it is causing you great concern, and he must know this. The most important thing in his relationship should be YOU, and not THEM, who is he going out with anyway?? How would he feel if you continued to flirt, or pander to your ex boyfriend/s he would soon get very sick of it, and would ask you to stop. I wouldn't want my girlfriends ex to be getting between me and my partner, it's just not done..! I think Dr Pete is perhaps being a little to "right on" about this, and I would suggest you ask your boyfriend to stop messing around with his ex's as it is upsetting you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): Hi anonymous
Is it the case that you regard these women as ex's whereas he regards them as merely friends? If that is true then this would be why you have come to this disagreement.
He *has* known these girls for years, and unless your boyfriend finds it completely impossible to stand up for himself I would guess that with your view about their relationships may be a little overly cynical.
I think however this is one of those situations that show whether or not you are compatible with someone. This is especially so at such an early stage in your relationship.
If these girls are being malicious towards you, and your boyfriend was the one to even "pass on" this information then he is indeed being a coward by not defending you and he is ultimately putting them before you.
I think if you bring it up again you should concentrate more on the fact they are being malicious towards you, and leave out the bit about them being ex-girlfriends. I think it always works well to get the other person to see it from your perspective, e.g. tell him to imagine how he would feel if you were in contact with two ex-boyfriends who took obvious dislike to him and that, to make matters worse, you weren't doing any thing about it. Perhaps with this perspective in his mind, he will come to understand your position a little better? Good luck, I hope you can get through this relationship hurdle number one ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): I'm the person who asked this question originally. I would like to address Dr Pete's comment. First of all, your feelings on the subject are basically the same as his. He's upset because he feels I want to control his friendships, and I totally understand his point of view. But, that is not my motivation. Every time he talks about or talks to one of these girls, I can't help but think that he hasn't let go of those relationships. How can he be ready for a serious relationship with me if he hasn't let go of these other girls? As far as "who do you think you are?", I am a kind, intelligent person who refuses to be used by anyone.
In addition to that...I am a very good judge of character. I can also get along with almost anyone. Do you think mercilessly making fun of someone is within the boundaries of a good friendship? I can tell that it bothers him that someone he cares about treats him that way, and what's really sad is that he still puts up with it. He agrees with me about Ex #2, but he's afraid of hurting her feelings.
They are, in fact, talking to each other about me, because he told me about it. I agree with your advice and will no longer try to tell him that he shouldn't be friends with these women, but I will not be friendly with either one of them. But what should I do if this continues? I can't forsee a future if this situation continues with no change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): So you're in a relationship for less than two months and already you're telling him that his friends are using him and that the friendships are "unhealthy"?
Excuse me but who do you think you are?
To use your words, your boyfriend does seem like a wonderful man. This is reflected in that he has remained friends with these women, and that he still wishes to help them out (e.g. finding a counselor)
I think perhaps you have a very different experience of relationships, and perhaps have not met a man who is genuingly a nice and caring guy?
If, and I do mean IF these women are talking about you, and dislike you, you need to address this problem with your boyfriend. As a boyfriend, he should of course stand up for you and depending on how severe they are actually being to you, consider ending the friendships. I must stress this to you though - you have no right to be telling him who he can, and can't see. If any thing, you should agree that you do not wish to see them, but not stop him from doing so.
I think by giving him this ultimatum, you will loose him. You are being unreasonable, and you are acting way too jealous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): He is stringing you along every time he talks to an ex he is being intimate with them. As he now knows your feelings he should cut ties with the ex's, if he is unwilling to do this then it would seem he has better feelings for them, than you and you should seriously question your future with this person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): Nope, I would ask him to cut ties and focus on the future with you, not the past with them.
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