A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I've been with my lovely boyfriend for five years. We want the same thing for our futures but he wants them much later than me. Instead of breaking up about it, we've decided to just take it day by day. I can't imagine being with anyone else. Am I being naive in the hope he might change his mind (he's 24 too) as he gets older and that marriage and kids might not seem so scary in the next several years? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): You know in your heart I hope what you want in this relationship. If you are not hearing what you want to hear then you should take steps to correct your unhappiness. This is nuts. I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of three years and he has nothing but sex and having children on his mind. He wants marriage right now and would be willing to go to city hall right now and get married. I told him LOL. Hold your horses boy. He is 24 years old. I think judging my boyfriend and what my girlfriends tell me that a lot of men want to get married and have children in this age group. I understand how you feel because being wanted by your man who wants to marry you and get you pregnant can be really sexy on its own. But as you know sometimes cooler heads have to prevail and realizations come that there sometimes has to be another time and place for this. I fully understand how you feel about this. I sure feel different knowing that my boyfriend feels strongly about children and marriage with me. He throws that special wink at me sometimes and you know I almost succumb to him on this. But alas its us gals that sometimes have to bring things back into reality and proper prospective. Please lead with your heart on this.xoxoxo
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): I want to offer you something to think about. First off, why would you postpone something that is really important to you, to satisfy another individual? You have offered this man 5 years of your life, and he still thinks in the distant future. Not the present. Do you realize that no one on this earth is responsible for your happiness but you? We look to others for fulfillment, inspiration, support, and love. Happiness is placed in our own hands. We set goals, create the strategy to reach them, and we celebrate and share our success with those who are happy FOR us.Men and woman do not think the same. We are biologically different. We do not express our feelings the same way; therefore, we may be on different plains of thought during a relationship. Every-time shes set the alarm to go off; he resets the clock, or hits the snooze button.(i.e. marriage) He appeases you by saying he wants the same things you do.Have you ever considered that it may not be WITH YOU?Women often presume that the man they love and have now, is the man they will have always. Men, on the other-hand, wonder if they will be able to feel the same as they do now for the same woman into the future. Analytically, he looks at the pros and cons of being in the relationship from the beginning to the present. If he's dragging his feet, it's because he feels this is good for now. He becomes complacent for the sake of convenience. He leaves his options open, should the need to abort the relationship come to pass. Therefore; the relationship stands still. Men with marriage in mind don't do this. You say you want to marry and have kids.From the woman's point of view, she feels the complacency means contentment. That is true. However; good relationships evolve. People at some point reach a mutual state of partnership. They can't imagine the future without each other. Then they work to catch up with each other in planning. They talk about it, make compromise, and grow from that point.Your boyfriend has laid down the law and you have little choice but to settle for it. Is that really what you want?Now sit down, and run this through your mind. Is he worth waiting for? Is it just comfortable being with him for the sake of having a boyfriend, or do you really desire something more or better? Does he support you, trust you, value your opinions, quickly come to your defense in a crisis, or does he just sit there aloof; and give you obligatory support to avoid an argument? When you talk to him, does he really listen, or does he pretend to be listening while his mind is wondering off in space? Does he look you in the eyes and tell you with a stare how much he cares without saying a single word?Now about you. Are you independent? Do you feel you can take care of yourself, with or without him? Is he the center of your universe, or does his world merge with yours? Are you a very emotional woman, or do you have a handle on your feelings? Able to be tender and affectionate, yet at the same time be a lioness in defending your position and protecting those you love?Do you lay all your cards on the table at once? Or do you know when to hold them and when to fold them? Woman often settle for the man that they have; because they think they can change his mind or change him in some way.They think showering him with love makes him sure they are the one and only. Men show their feelings, they don't verbalize them as well as women do. We are withdrawn when confronted by emotional women; and distance ourselves when we don't want to deal with a her emotions. He avoids all issues that lead to talking about his own feelings. Your man has not even hinted at being engaged. Therefore, he is not interested in marriage. Having you around is sufficient, and he can leave whenever he pleases. If you are both on the same page, that is wonderful. The final question is...is that enough for you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2013):
 He may change his mind he may not. IF he was 30 I'd say NO he won't change his mind but at 24, yep he may. I would say promise to stay as long as you can bear it. B
24 is pretty young now-a-days for marriage and kids. Even 30+years ago when I married for the first time it was young (and i was younger)
the problem is this IMO... when a man loves a woman and wants her, he makes NO BONES about it. And all the previous ideas about marriage and kids fly out the window.
My own life is a huge example. My current husband is much younger than I am. When we started out I was FINE with us being casual fun and games. I did not WANT anything serious with him. He told me from the beginning, "I don't believe in marriage. Marriage is stupid. I'm never getting married." and I was fine with that. I had a few bad marriages under my belt, I had grown children, I own my own home etc. I did not plan to get married. I did not want to get married. I did not need to get married. that all went to hell in a hand basket when my man fell IN LOVE with me and realized he never wanted to lose me. He did not want to share me or risk losing me. HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED.
Even to the bitter end (the day before we got on the plane to go to vegas) I was telling him we didn't have to get married. But it was his choice to do so. This from a man who just 18 months before had sworn up and down right and left, that he was NOT EVER GETTING MARRIED. He didn't lie. He just hadn't met someone he fell in love with enough to want to marry till he met me.
Men don't want to marry until they meet the woman that makes them want to get married and I've seen it happen to men as young as 19 and as old as 50. My husband was 37 when we met and 39 when we married.
At 24 it may be his age... at 30 it will be "I don't want to get married" to your face, leaving off the "to you" part.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 May 2013):
You're probably being naive, but you wouldn't be the first. I know that I had absolutely no desire for kids/marriage at that age and it caused the breakup of a good relationship.
While there are pluses to having children early, there are more advantages to having them late. Not least of which is that you can build your life and have a more stable home for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): OP you've decided to let go of this and continue to be with him, so for god's sake let it go.
Several years? Anything can happen.
I mean what does "day by day" mean? You're just going to keep hoping every day that he changes his mind?
Good luck with that, it's just going to keep eating away at you.
OP he has told you how it is, is there a possibility that he will change his mind? Yes, but your own plan is to start in 5 years time, so why worry about it now?
Let it go, or this whole day by day thing is just going to be days of worrying that you won't have kids in your own time frame.
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