A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really starting to think I've got issues. I've been with this guy for almost four yrs. About a yr in, I found out he had a gf but stuck around anyway like a total idiot in hopes that something would change and we'd end up being together. About a yr ago, they got married. Still I stayed, though I always swore to myself that I'd leave once that happened. Since then, we've been fighting every single day. Recently, the fighting has been at its worse especially because I caught him emailing girls off Craiglist. When I caught him, I was spending time with another guy I was seeing and so it was easy to not care because I had him to distract me. I've also found out that they're working on buying a house and today I found out that they are now planning to have a baby. When I saw that, it really felt as though a knife had been stuck through me. I didn't think it'd hurt this much, especially considering all the things he'd put me through (well, that I allowed him to put me through, I guess)I've got this really bad habit of constantly logging into his email and Fb account to see what's going on, I've caught him in a lot of lies by doing this and it's also how I caught him talking to other girls. Last night, he was being a real d*ck and so today was day 1 of us not talking, and I feel like I'm going crazy in my head and I really don't know why. I should hate his guts and want nothing to do with him, and I do..but at the same time, I don't know what's going on that I just can't let it go. I've got a boyfriend who I know loves me and I love him too, you would think it'd be easy to focus on my relationship with him instead of being so fixated on this asshole I wasted 4yrs on, but it's not, esp. since it's long distance :(Part of me wants to email his wife and show her what a scumbag she married and is planning to have children with, but I know she won't do anything about it because she's caught him cheating herself plenty times and she's still around.I really don't know what's wrong with me or what to do. I hate how much control and fixation this thing has on me, I'm starting to feel like I'm mental.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): you have an unhealthy attachment to this guy because you've invested so much of yourself emotionally into him for 4 years. You endured so much pain because of the hope that he would be with you for real some day. But as each milestone passes that shows he's less and less likely to do what you want, it hurts more and more because of how much you've been hurting and hoping that the pain will pay off. You're hanging on not because you feel good or positive emotions towards him, but because you have INVESTED yourself.
people will hang onto things they've invested in even when those things are clearly not working out. this is like why people hang onto tanking stocks, or stick with the wrong career or stay in abusive marriages. It's not because you just LOVE being around that person so much, it's because you've spent so much mental and emotional energy into trying to turn the situation in your favor, made sacrifices and changes, that this whole struggle has become part of who you are. The struggle for this guy is part of your identity now. so you can't let go because then it means it was all for waste and you're losing part of your identity.
but it's better for you to walk away. Just grit your teeth, and do it, cut off all contact with him, don't let yourself fall back into the trap of continuing contact. You will feel better in time if you can stick with this permanently. Staying fixated on him will only make you feel worse and there will be no way to feel better because as long as you continue your fixation on him nothing will make you feel better except one specific outcome (him leaving her to be with you) but which is less and less likely to happen the more time goes on as evidenced by his personal choices to invest in binding life decisions with her (doesn't matter how he feels about her or you, the fact is that he's chosen to invest himself in her).
don't bother telling his wife, she already knows. She married him anyway despite knowing what a scum he is, and she wants to have kids with him, so clearly it makes no difference to her what he's like, she's probably got really low self esteem if she's still with him let alone wanting to bear his children. either that or she's just using him to achieve her personal goals of financial security and producing kids. she just sees him as a provider of the stuff to achieve her life goals, so telling her about your affair doesn't change that because he's still providing her with what she wants.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Sadly, this sounds more like an obsession than a relationship.
You might have answered your own question here with...
When I saw that, it really felt as though a knife had been stuck through me. I didn't think it'd hurt this much, especially considering all the things he'd put me through (well, that I allowed him to put me through, I guess)
The person who has the MOST influence to change this situation is YOU. You are choosing to be in a situation that can only continue and end in pain.
You already know what to do, you are just afraid to do it. Put yourself in charge of your own happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): You have a good bf but are cheating with another womans hb.
Why dont u break it off with your bf bec u are not being decent to him.
Why do u want to hurt his wife? YOU are the one who needs to put ano end to all this.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): When this is over you won't believe how long you wasted on this bloke. All that is needed is a lightbulb moment, a thunderbolt of clarity that will enable you to break all contact with him. You need to liberate yourself from just being used by him. I haven't read the other answers but I just hope your sudden realization will occur. You just need to see it for what it is, end it and promise yourself proper mutually respectful relationships in the future and nothing else. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Yes girl you've got issues. I empathize with your predicament. You think life without him is just painful yet being with him hurts just as bad. As hard as it sounds you really should leave him. I was with an attached guy before too and naively thought he would change. Sadly all he gave were empty promises that he would leave his gf one day. That day never came and I left him for good and even severed contact with him. Believe me life is greater without all the heartache. And by being with your current bf but unable to get over your married lover is just unfair to him. Talk to him about it if you should and put yourself out of this misery ASAP. this guy ain't worth the emotional pain he puts you through.
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