A
female
age
51-59,
*ani702
writes:Is it just me or is the man I'm married to really selfish? We've been married for almost 2 years and together for 3 years. Last year for Christmas I spent $2000 on him. He bought me $100 worth of junk that to this day I don't use. For his birthday last year I took him to a show and had a nice dinner. For my birthday last year he bought himself a phone watch and didn't have any money left over to buy me anything. We didn't go to dinner, have a cake, do ANYTHING for my birthday. Mind you, it's just the two of us. Neither of us have any family to speak of so if he doesn't do anything for me, I get nothing. If I don't do anything for him, he gets nothing. It's just me and him together in this world. That's why I try to make him happy on Christmas and especially on his birthday. So this year for Christmas we said we wouldn't get anything for each other except 1 thing. He told me what he wanted and I told him what I wanted. I said we'd get it for each other after the holidays when money wasn't so tight. Okay. But since I control the money he asked me for just a LITTLE BIT of money so he could get me something on Christmas day. He went on and on about how bad he'd feel if I didn't actually get anything on Christmas. So I gave him some money ($100) and I got off early on Christmas eve and went shopping for his grandma, his aunt, his uncle. Shopping was a nightmare but I did it. So I got home early and wanted to make dinner for us before he went to work but he was in a RUSH to get out the door because he still hadn't gotten my present yet. So dinner with him was out the door. I only saw him in passing as he left to go shopping before he went to work. I thought it was sweet. I asked him if he was going shopping and he said yes, so I gave him the gift card I got him, just so that he would have something on Christmas. I said, "Well, if you're going shopping, you might as well get yourself a little something!" and I gave him his gift card. Anyway, the next morning was Christmas and I woke up and couldn't wait to see what little thing he bought me. But he didn't get me anything. "The stores were packed!!" he said and he didn't want to be in the rush of everything. I told him that I braved the stores to shop for his grandma, his aunt, his uncle, but he couldn't be bothered to shop for me. And I just lost it. I started crying. The last Christmas of having rotten gifts, the last birthday of getting NOTHING and then this year of him making a big deal of making sure I got SOMETHING on Christmas day when I wasn't even worth going into a crowded store for. I didn't speak to him all day and wondered if I should leave him. Wondering why I was married to such a selfish man. Anyway, today is his birthday, I bought a helium balloon tank and was going to go to his job and decorate his office and bring pizza and cake for him and his co-workers. Now I just don't want to do anything for him. I want him to feel like I how feel on my birthday and Christmas. Anyway, as I was leaving this morning he said, "Are the stores open?" and I said, "I guess." And now he's probably going to get me something and I don't want it. It's after the fact and I don't want anything from him. He can keep his stupid gift. He didn't even apologize for yesterday. So, should I take the pizza and cake to his job? Should I get over not getting anything for Christmas? Should I not feel as sad as I do?
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female
reader, Lani702 +, writes (28 March 2013):
Lani702 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have a happy ending to my story! On January 10, 2013 - MY DIVORCE WAS FINAL. Almost throughout my entire 7-year relationship with him I felt un-cherished, un-loved, un-appreciated, and now I'm un-married. I wish him the best, he will always have a special place in my heart, but it's over.
A
female
reader, Whymethistime  +, writes (12 May 2010):
Give guys a break! After they spend so much time remembering while we date them, we gotta let them forget after they possess us for life right.?!?! If we ladies knew we were gonna be forgotten about in the beginning, we wouldn't bother marrying our men!!!!
I am right along with you in your boat ya'll and I do not think you should be griping. If you don't like the guy, stop doing nice things all the time, so they stop taking you for granted. I think ya'll are being used but your using yourselves! Hide the $$, do not buy anymore things, its a downward spiral, its a GAME OVER! Your married, move on. I have realized I can do nothing at all in my situation, so I just have to let it go.
I hope my kids pay more attention to me when they grow up. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I am reading this and seeing that this is very normal of men! I live with a man, who at one time remembered anniversaries, birthdays, valentines day, etc; BEFORE we were married. Yes, he remembered! So why do men suddenly forget after we get married!? As if we are now theirs for life and so it doesn't matter anymore, huh?! Funny eh!?
My hubby is an awesome dude, but I will say, all the once a fore remembrance of my favorite days are over with.... strange! Its normal ladies its so normal, because this is how men work!!!!
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female
reader, tired82 +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Lani,I used to be like you a giver and not a receiver. Until one day after lots of complaining my husband told me that money isn't everything in the world and he is right as are the other commenters to your post. It feels nice to receive gifts on special occasions especially expensive ones. My husband tells me to buy myself whatever I want since he never gets something I want. You are in charge of the finances in your home so do the same. Yes, it doesn't feel the same to receive them than to get them for yourself but what can we do our husbands are not Romantics. You just have to accept the fact that they are how they are. Now, if it makes you feel good to buy him things and do special things for him then go ahead and continue doing it. Just know that you will not get the same in return because it's not who he is. He might show his love in other ways. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): you think your husband is selfish? here's some free perspective. my husband takes me out on special occasions but only to paces he likes. My first mothers day was spent at his favorite store and restaurant. my birthday was another of his favorite restaurants and lingerie that wouldnt fit my leg. christmas we drove 1200 miles to visit my family but he also pushed me to the floor when we got home. that's love honey :) The reality is that i am Christian and invested. No amount of stupidity or selfishness on his part will make me give up. unfortunately he knows this. But I maid this bed when I said I do so I will.
For added perspective. I once asked him if he would like to be married to someone like himself. he flat out told me "hell no". Said I was an idiot for not making myself happy. That day I took his car and drove straight to the airport. Months later I was home and asked him with tear streaked cheeks why he didn't go after me. he said "it's about time you did something for yourself". How's this for selfish and down right weird? feel better yet?
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female
reader, LuvinLife +, writes (15 February 2009):
I think I understand what she is going through. I am now with a man who bought me 3 unwanted gifts for Christmas. We are on a tight budget. In fact, I said specifically that I didn't use this brand of products and that I didn't like them. On Christmas Eve, he insisted that I open "his" gifts before my family came for Christmas, so here I am looking at exactly what I said NOT to get and now I didn't even have a gift to open with the family. I told him to take the gifts back so that I could get what I told him I wanted, but he told me, "No, I'll use them." His excuse was that he NEVER went to malls which is a lie. Very loving, very romantic! Yeah, right. (I hope you can feel the sarcasm) No, it's not about the money, it's about the respect in the relationship. Today, Valentine's Day, I got a Valentine's e-mail! After the big blow up at Christmas, I didn't even get a card. BTW, there is a wholesale florist right around the corner from the house and I had purchased flowers at $.40/a stem for a Valentine's conference. He went with me when I ordered the flowers, so he doesn't have any excuses. I would have been thrilled with a $.40 carnation!! Again, it is a respect issue. It's not right to let someone make you feel guilty for feeling hurt or angry because they have behaved like a butthead. I think it's dump city for this dude. He's not carrying his weight around here and I feel like I'm being taking advantage of and I see a pattern.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Wow.. 41-50 and crying because your guy dosen't get you expensive presents but gets you $100 dollars of junk. Spending $2,000 just to make him happy at christmas.... wow I must have things wrong. My ex picked up a stone from the beach and brought it home to me and I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world. mmmm... I didn't realise that expensive gifts and money were so important in a relationship. Probably that's why I'm single, I keep giving kisses, hugs and back massages and I thought that's all you needed in a relationship as well as good sex, kindness and love. I don't know, if it means so much to you dump him. Find a man with more money and more time to give to you, so you can count it all up and know that you are loved..
Alternatively, since he gives you all his money, why don't you spend it all on yourself, and then you won't have to cry any more and he can do what most men do, and avoid the shops.
You believe that cards mean you are loved, the words that are in a card prove that you are loved. Well buy all the birthday cards, christmas cards and anniversary cards and presents you will ever need, using his money. Sit him down in January and get him to sign them and wrap them all. Then when the time comes, his well prepared. All he will have to do is take a ready wrapped present and card and give them to you, something already preapred with love, to stop you from being so upset and crying and making yourself sick. Then you will feel loved and adored and you will have the evidence of the useless prepared junk to prove it. Problem solved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): No offence, but I think your post makes you sound a bit selfish or self centred. People do not / should not have to show how much they love or care for you by material things - whether it is a $5 present or a $2000 present. My husband and I dont even always buy each other presents on Valentine's Day or Anniversaries etc. But it doesnt matter - because you do not need one specific day to feel loved or show love. It is something that should be shown every single day.
Clearly you are far more romantic with your gestures than he is. When I was 18 and I first met my hubby yes I would go overboard, and he didnt in the same manner, and it upset me. But of course over time I have grown older and wiser and at 27 I know I do not need overly romantic gestures or presents to see he loves me. I look at the little things he does for me in his actions every single day and it is enough to show me that he loves me a great deal. I do not need presents to know or extravagant gestures. A simple thing like making me a cup of tea when I get in and am tired, or looking after me when I am in bed with the flu. I think we live in an age where there is too much emphasis on money and material things it is quite tragic. I recall my grandad telling me as a boy he would get an apple for Xmas and how happy it made him! And you know what - I bet he appreciated that apple far more than some kid nowadays who gets the latest games, electronics, toys costing hundreds!
I mean, you clearly married him which means you would have seen some goodness in him. My advice is to start seeing that goodness in him and not putting a material value on things such as love & care.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): Hi
Yeah! take the pizza and cake to his job, and shove it in his mush.
Happy new year! hope you find happiness.
Via con dios.
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female
reader, Lani702 +, writes (26 December 2008):
Lani702 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I agree a little bit with all of you. I'm making myself out to the a martyr and I shouldn't. I DO go over the top and expect the same back and I shouldn't. And to comment on the last guy, even if we did fall on hard times, I would've gotten him a $5.00 gift and I still wouldn't have gotten anything. It's not about the gift it's about the thoughtlessness. It's about the fact that it's okay for him to see me go through a birthday with nothing. It's about the fact that it's okay with him to see me get nothing on Christmas. It's okay for him that I feel sad. I mean, not even a CARD for your wife on her birthday? Knowing that your wife has no family and if she doesn't get anything from you then she doesn't get anything at all? And I'm not talking gift wise. I'm talking event-wise. You're happy that I was born. You're happy that I'm in your life. You know no one else cares so me, as your husband, am going to make sure you know that I know it's your special day and I appreciate you. But I got nothing even though he just bought that $400.00 watch for himself the week before.
But that was last year, and I thought I got over it until Christmas rolls around and my husband didn't think I was worth the effort to walk into a crowded store.
It isn't about the gift, it's about not caring about my feelings. I feel sad because I am married to someone who doesn't CARE if I feel sad, obviously. Anyway, I've decided not to go to his office. I'll have a cake waiting for him when he comes home because I can't not do anything. I'm not like that. But anything other than that is not going to happen this year. And I guess I just have to buck up and face the fact that my husband is selfish. And to expect anything different from him will just lead to hurt feelings. So from this point on I will expect nothing and I won't get hurt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): So what happens if you hit hard times, say an illness or losing your jobs. 'What you going to do when the money runs out'?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): pvtguy how is this woman controlling? she's not forcing him go out and buy presents.
OP why do you bother buying your husband presents? do not go to his office and decorate. No wonder you feel so lost, if your doing things over the top on birthdays/christmas. Your just gonna have to accept this is the way he is. So to stop yourself from feeling sad, don't bother buying him many presents or any for his family from him.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 December 2008):
You can't make yourself out to be a martyr because you chose to spend far more money on him.
No one is forcing you to keep going to all this effort when he doesn't.
Yes the fact he doesn't put effort in is bad. It's not really an excuse to say the stores are busy, and he will have to get you something pretty spectacular now the sales are on as well to make up for it.
Get him something small for his birthday, do as much as you want, but don't think of it as credit that you are due to be paid for your birthday. And if you don't want to do all the shopping for his family then don't do it. Let him stress about it. Tell him it is his job.
If I were you then I would simply take him shopping before birthday and christmas and instruct him on what you want and expect.
You may have married a useless guy when it comes to gift buying. You have to just accept that and find a way around it.
I assume you have told him you are angry with him and he knows he has making up to do.
Let him put the effort in to make it up, and if he doesn't then you know where you stand and have to either put up with it or raise hell.
Good Luck!! xx
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