A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,When I first started a relationship with my boyfriend, he told me that he had dated before. Like any other couple starting out, we tried to be honest about what happened in the past. Of course, being younger then, we didn't really do much, so there's not much to confess to each other. Anyways, this is a bit complicated, so let me try to explain.We had been good friends for a long time. When we first met, we had little crushes on each other, but we never started because we never told each other how we felt because we were too young to begin. I confessed to liking him, but he did not respond to me. After a while, I began to think he did not fancy me as I did, so I decided to give up on him. Unfortunately, I did not know that he DID love me, but couldn't tell me because his family forbaded him to date because of his studies. In the last year of high school, I dated another person, but wasn't really attracted to him. Although my boyfriend and I kept up an Instant Messaging friendship, we avoided conversations about my confession and I wanted to be loyal to my ex. I always thought of my (current) boyfriend as "the one who got away". Eventually, my ex and I broke up and I immediately called my boyfriend and told him what had happened. Two weeks after my break up, my boyfriend showed signs of affection, but never directly told me he liked/loved me. You have to understand that my boyfriend is very shy and quiet. Still, I believed that if he could not tell me his affections, he did not truly care for me. So even though we were would have started something, I did not pursue it, worried that he might be using me because of my confession years ago. To keep myself from thinking about it, I ended all conversation. It was two years later that we started talking to each other again and finally began a relationship.Before we started, my boyfriend told me he had dated a girl who lived in his residence. He said that he was attracted to her because she could be kind and caring, but had a mutual break up because he couldn't stand the way she was so superficial and materialistic. He went on to tell me stories about how she could be inconsiderate and how she always wanted him to spend money on her. As a student, he said he did not have money to spend, and that his ex always wanted designer brands. The stories were detailed and I even found pictures of her stored on a USB key. At first I believed he still had feelings for her and was peeved that he still had the pictures. He later said that she had left the pictures on the USB when she used it to transfer them to her computer and that he hadn't used the key in a long time. But I digress.What I couldn't understand was why sometimes his stories didn't match up with what he said before. He always said "I forget". And at first, this did not bother me. There was also a period where we had been in contact while he was in the relationship and the way he talked to me did not seem like he was in one. The timelines simply did not match what he was saying (when it started, when in ended). I pressed for information because I felt something was amiss and how somethings that he said he didn't like doing for her (buying [expensive or useless] things, helping out with chores, etc..), he didn't mind doing for me.Recently, in-mid argument, he revealed that his ex was all a lie. That he had never had a girlfriend, and that the girl he had been describing, was actually the girlfriend of his friend. I don't know why, but instead of it being reassuring, I feel he said this to get me off his back about it. I questioned him, as to why he felt it necessary to lie and to choose THIS particular girl. He said that he lied because he wanted to use an example to tell me the things he didn't like in a girl and the girl he had described had been doing all those things to his friend. I think that his reasoning is faulty and if he wanted to tell me what he wanted in a girlfriend, he could have done it hypothetically or used his friend AS the example. I feel hurt because I don't know what to believe. He said that he was sorry and stupid to have done it. My boyfriend cares for me, he does all the things he said he didn't enjoy doing for the "pretend" girlfriend, and he always talks about a future. He said he didn't tell me about her because he wanted me to be jealous or to make himself seem attractive or experienced, but I'm confused, almost sad about his telling me. My question... as obvious as it seems, is, how do you see this? Would you believe him? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I right in having doubts about what he said?
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broke up, crush, his ex, jealous, money, my ex, never had a girlfriend, period, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Luaris  +, writes (4 January 2009):
 It was weird but if he really hasnt had a gf before I can 100% see why he would have such a maverick way of going about those kinds of things. Also, guys do worry about seeming attractive or experienced in relationships so I can also see why he would make up a gf to match the boyfriend you had before him just to level the playing field. He seems cool and while the things he does is weird you have to remember being in a relationship is, in itself, a weird thing to him yet.
A
male
reader, dasonras +, writes (3 January 2009):
I have a feeling you may be making a big deal out of nothing. However, the mature thing to do is to approach him directly. Tell him you feel uncomfortable about something and explain clearly what it is. If he loves you he will listen and respect your feelings. Talking it out will take the load off your shoulders and you will feel more connected to him emotionally.
It is important that you build your relationship on trust and good communication.
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