A
male
age
30-35,
*rax
writes:i would like to know if i am just being a big baby or if i should be as frustrated (i guess would be the right word) as i am..my and my girlfriend decided to make the step to engagement on new years FINALLY but like everything there is a problem. her "best friend" (male and ex bf" moved back in town and now lives up the street and they hung out and talked one day when i was at work, but she told me that she didn't tell him that she was now engaged. when i first asked her why it made sense, there was someone with him that she didn't know and didn't want everyone in her business (she's kind of a private person) but then the next day just for kicks i asked her if she planned on telling him and she said no, when i asked why, she replied "i'm afraid of how he'll react because i told him i would marry him when im 25" she also said a few minutes later "i also dont want him to get pissed and hit you"which is when i said that how she describes him as such a good friend and almost a "big brother" why would he get pissed that you found someone you want to spend your life with? and she had no answer and i left it at that.after a few months went by she still hadn't told him and i asked again and it turned into a big argument and her story changed, she swears that she never told me she wasn't planning on telling him and it was just because of the company. of course i got pissed and cue the fight.now every time i bring it up she gets super defensive and that just urks me and another fight occurs. and all of a sudden she is refusing to tell another one of her ex boyfriends about our engagement saying "he's not important enough to know, it's not like he's coming to the wedding" but the thing that gets me is she hangs out with him almost every other day, and only when i'm working. i just wanted to know if i'm overreacting. ~trax~
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (10 March 2009):
Your gf, or should I say fiance's behaviour is questionable to say the very least.
So she doesnt tell her her ex bf shes engaged because there was some other person around at the time. She doesnt want her 'private business' spread around...hmmm well its not like being engaged is something to be ashamed of!! Most people are so excited and would tell anyone about it. And its not really something that is private- I mean when you get married you will have wedding rings- is she not goni towear that either because she wants to keep her 'private busienss private'- sounds ridiculous doesnt it? well so does her reasoning.
However, that that excuse of hers, that she didnt tell him because someone else was there, is obviously wrong because like you said, she sees him quite often now, and still has not managed to tell him. Her new reason?
Because she made some promise to him when they were dating she would marry him? It seems she is caring more about hurting his feeligns, than hurting yours! This is not right. She needs to be putting you first, not him. However, she then claims that she is doing it for you- (yeah right), as she is afraid he might get angry with you. You dont need her protection like that, and you and I both knwo, that that is a lame reason for not telling him.
Obviously your gf knows her ex isnt over her. Maybe she has hopes that they might get together one day? I dont know...but what I do know for sure is that her ACTIONS are not showing a great deal of commitment to you.
So she has finally now realised that her excuses she previously told, are not justifiable, so shes pretending she never said them.
I can understand why you would be very hurt and angry, and to be honest, if I was you, I would be having doubts about whether or not I would want to still marry her.
She is nto treating you very well, her actions are show a huge lack of respect for you, and the relationship you are both in.
You need to talk to her about how this makes you feel, in a calm manner. If she cant understand, then you have to wonder what a marriage life with her will be like in the long run. Is this the sort of thing you are looking forward too? She clearly lacks empathy and respect for you. You deserve a relationship with so much more.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Getting engaged is a huge and very exciting step in the circle of life... why not tell everybody? Unless she is not sure about marrying you in the first place. From what I understand, she didnt tell any of her ex's maybe because she still has feelings for them?? Your girlfriend is clearly not telling you everything, and trust is very important in a relationship. Think that its time to sit down with her and have a serious talk, if need be, go to a relationship counsellor.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Well you are not making a big deal of this, you have every right to be worried and annoyed; if she no longer had any feelings for this guy she would find it easy to tell him and if they were just friends, then he would be happy for her.
So I guess it looks like there are still some feelings between the two of them and perhaps she is not ready to be getting married just yet. I'm guessing she is the same age as you - you are both very young to be making such a huge decision. When she promised herself to this ex saying she would marry him at 25, now that is about the right age.
I know it is not what you want to hear but you are both too immature to make this commitment, and you both are still in such an early stage of life to decide on your future. What is the rush to get married? Why not just enjoy being young and being together, and then get married when you are both settled in your lives and have grown up together. If you feel an urgency to get married then this raises warning signs - marriage should come as a natural progression in a long term relationship rather than as a need to tie someone down.
I think you need to slow this down a bit. Dont rush into marriage when your girlfriend clearly isnt ready - when a girl gets engaged (no matter how private they are), if they are happy about it they will want to tell all the people close to them. If she cannot tell this guy, then she is trying to keep him close to her as a back-up option if things dont work out between the two of you. She knows that if she tells this guy he will be angry and wont want anything more to do with her - she clearly still wants him in her life.I think you need to make her choose here -either she tells him you are engaged or you call off the engagement. Calling off the engagement anyway is the sensible thing to do until you are older and ready for marriage.
Marriage is not taken seriously anymore - it is for the rest of your life. You are taking vows with that person, and there will be some really bad times as well as the good. It will affect all aspects of your life, and all your decisions will be made around each other instead of you doing what you want to do. Divorce is not a way out - dont use this as a back-up plan. When you get married you should see it as something for life, not a fun thing to do with an escape route in case it gets too much. This is why maturity really helps here, at your age you wont have stopped developing mentally and you dont know where you life is leading (work wise, education etc). Dont try and settle down too soon as over the next few years, lots of things will change and you could end up growing apart.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, Chelz247  +, writes (10 March 2009):
No your not overreacting to be honest. You need to sit your fiance down and talk to her. if i were you i'd be flipping out. You got some questions she needs to answer before you guys get married and have to live with this forever. Or if it bothers you so much and she wont do it . Either you go and tell them youself or if she doesn't have the guts cuz its her "exs" then i advise you to rethink this marriage . But then again follow your heart on what is best for you:) ... Hope everything goes great. xx
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