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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is this abuse ?I’ve been with my husband for 18 years (married for 15).He has some great qualities (doesn’t lie, cheat, is hardworking…), but he has major issues with his moods/temper/ADHD/depression/anxiety. Over the years he has seen a couple of shrinks and put on different therapies. I have always been there for him, supporting him and tolerating outbursts of anger and aggression. He would always apologize, but it started to mean little, since he never changed his patterns of behavior. I must say that in the mast couple of years he learned how to manage certain triggers, but overall our lives haven’t changed much and I prefer to keep things simple in order to avoid any potential outbursts. For him anything can be a trigger and his reaction is almost never proportionate to a problem. If we get an electricity bill that is high, he will explode. If we have a flat, he will explode. If he forgets his keys/phone, he will explode and find a way to pin it on me or someone or something else. And yes, most often than not he would apologize at some point, but at the moment he cannot or refuses to control himself.Here are a few episodes I’d like you to take a look at and tell me what you think, if his behavior could be defines as abuse.1. PhoneWhen we were leaving the hotel, he left his phone in the bathroom. An hour and over 60 miles later, he asked me what I did with his phone. He didn’t believe me that I hadn’t touch it (I never do), he blamed me and kept screaming at me, calling me names, hitting the wheel of the car and the dashboard, driving recklessly. He wouldn’t stop. He broke plastic parts of the dashboard in few places.He wouldn’t apologize even after he had found a phone, having remembered that he was the one who had put it there.He apologized much, MUCH later. And now, when we talk about it he realizes that he acted unfairly (but he doesn’t accept that he was violent).2. BicycleEven though I am not comfortable with riding a bike on the roads, he would sometimes insist. I ride too slowly and too carefully for his taste. He calls me names when I do. On this particular occasion, he was dissatisfied by my speed (I was hitting the brakes when I was going down the hill because I didn’t have a clear visibility of cars that were parked on both sides) and he pushed so hard that I almost fell and got almost hit by a guy, who was leaving his parking space and hadn’t bothered to check if there was anybody coming. My husband freaked out blaming both me and the driver.3. KeysOver the years, my husband has lost all sorts of things (ADHD problems): keys, phones, bags… When he does, it’s always someone else’s fault for distracting him, or putting so much pressure on him (work) or generally his life that sucks.A few months ago I lost the keys to our apartment. I was so stressed, because I couldn’t remember what I had done. Had I lost them someplace random or had I left them in our door for someone to find. My husband was surprisingly relaxed. He was not happy, but he said that we would find a solution. The moment I had to pay to make a copy (and I managed to find the cheapest option) he exploded. Reasoning with him is pointless. I thought that he would understand what it is like to lose something (my first time btw), since over the years we had paid and paid for new copies of car keys, apartment keys, mobile phones… He said that I cannot compare myself to him and continued to rage on.4. I don’t remember what this was aboutI just know that my husband yelled, called me names, took a drying rack with tons of clothes on it (very heavy) and swirled it into the wall, breaking a lamp that was next to it.Wow. Now when I wrote it down, it really looks bad. He has never hit me, but he has grabbed my arm a couple of times and threatened me ”Shut up, you don’t want to see what I can do”…When he apologizes he says that he understands what he had done. He knows that he has problems with his moods and anger, but so far has done nothing major to deal with it. I’m not sure he has explained to his shrinks how big a problem he really has. They are mostly focused on his ADHD depression and anxiety issues.So… am I a spoilt person for thinking that this kind of behavior is abuse? I keep telling myself that abuse always comes from “bad people”. People who wish you harm, which is not case with my husband. He really is in my corner and has proved himself over the years. There are things that he cannot do, because of his problems (he’s not good with dealing with anything that requires focus and attention, like papers, administration; he’s avoiding social interaction due to his social anxiety etc.) so I have to pick up the slack, including taking care of our home, (btw I have a fulltime job). But what he can do, he does and then some. He has managed to hold a steady job despite his issues. His responsible with money and wants to help people around him (financially and otherwise). He wants to build, be constructive… we are repairing together a small house in the country. And more often than not he is caring, sweet, funny…I’m not a battered woman.He doesn’t control me financially or physically.He has never hit me or forced me to have sex.My shrink has never told me that this is abuse. She acknowledges that he has anger issues and always asks me if I am concerned for my safety. She advises me to leave the house when his yelling, which is not always an option (middle of the night, locked in the speeding car…).Trouble is, if it were my sister asking what I am asking you I would tell her to leave him immediately, despite the fact that my brother-in-law might otherwise be a good guy.After almost two decades of this, I’m tired and empty. I just don’t care anymore. This morning he was stressed because things are not going the way he wanted them too and he took it out on me (the stores don’t open when he would like them too). I didn’t want to “shut up” so he started yelling and I told him that the time when I cared about what our neighbors thought is long gone and that he can yell until someone calls the police, that I wouldn’t let him shut me up by blackmailing me with his outbursts of anger (he never behaves like this when someone is around, apart from his mother, since he doesn’t care what she thinks). Then he sat by me, grabbed me by my shoulder and my arm. Squeezed, not too hard and told me not to make me show what he really can do. I told him calmly that I would call the police. And I meant it. So… what am I doing/thinking that is wrong? Is THIS abuse? Or is it complicated… what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2020): Thank you all for your replies.Yes, I did post at some point about the « bike episode ». (Thank you Honeypie for remembering and for your advice !)Why am I resurrecting the question now? I decided to change my life (applied for a demanding job in another country) and to push my helping my husband to a more constructive level – write down how I feel and how I define his behavior and show it to him. That is why I need your input. Thank you Anonymous for your support and asking why I stayed for this long. The answer is simple: 1. I thought abuse only came from “bad people”2. I had a predisposition for tolerating this kind of behavior3. Things seemed to get better (although always too little and way late)I have grown up in a neighborhood where family abuse was not uncommon. Fathers beat their kids and sometimes even their wives. Yelling at family members was something that “just happened”. Even the victims didn’t make such a big fuss over it. They just went on with their lives (and shame).The fathers and husbands I mentioned had already had a variety of problems, alcohol, being out of work or earning low wages… but whatever the reasons, they acted like really bad guys. They were extremely controlling, violent, and prone to undermining whatever their kids or wives wanted to do. Hence my problem with identifying abuse coming from someone who supports me.I grew up with a single mom and my aunt. They both worked hard, but my mom worked all the time and in hindsight I think she had taken on the role men usually had in our society, whereas my aunt was more of a mother figure. My mother never beat me or insulted me, but it happened from time to time, when she was very stressed at work (and her work was stressful), that she would come home and find something I hadn’t done right so that she could tell how I could get better and how tired she had been working for both of us… The truth is, I was an A student who never stayed out late. I had friends (including a bf) my mother liked. I took care of our home (including cooking dinner for her). So, I learned that when someone loves you, he/she does the best she can and if that person sometimes behaves unfairly, well it is just the way it is.Now, as an adult, I understand that my mother did the best she could, but that these episodes were entirely about her and not me. And I know that it is the same thing with my husband. When he explodes, it is not because I did something awful, intentionally hurtful; it’s about his inability to deal with any kid of stress ( thank you Youcannotbeserious for your support, you are so right when you say that my husband’s stress comes from the idea of “how world should be”, and it’s a beautiful and just idea, but it’s not the way it is).I needed to take these episodes out of the context to have some perspective. Thank you CindyCares, for the metaphor of a blind shooter staying away from the guns. It pretty much sums up the “not his fault for being sick, but being sick nevertheless” angle. Over the years, my husband got more perspective and in some aspects learned to control himself (therapy, meditation, exercises, our conversations…), BUT, I feel the need to do what WiseOwlE had done with his partner (thank you so much for telling me your story! How brave you were and still are!), show him in no uncertain terms what his behavior really is and then either leave or start living a life I know I deserve. When I said I didn’t care, I also meant that I stopped caring if he would be able to understand what I have to say or not… I need to say it (or in my case write it down).Thank you all once again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): Over a long period of time, people in abusive-situations start to feel it's the "normal-routine;" and that is what defines the kind of relationship they have with their partner, or a relative. Some even go so far as to be submissive and apologetic; telling everyone, that's how our relationship is! Oh hell no!!! HELL NO!!!
You don't have to be hit upside the head or punched in the face to be abused! If they threaten you, if they scare you, if they break things around you, if they yell in your face...THAT IS ABUSE! If your therapist wont call it that; let me give you my unprofessional, but informed-opinion. YOU HAVE AN ABUSIVE-HUSBAND, AND I DON'T CARE WHAT MAKES HIM DO IT!!! He can stick his ADHD and anxiety-disorder where the sun don't shine, and stick a cork up it!
Let me relate to your situation. I had a very loving-relationship for nearly 30 years. My first and long-term life-partner was a successful attorney. He was brilliant, and had an enormous ego. May he rest in peace! He could be generous, he was kind, very protective, he won big cases for little people; and he was devoted to his family and his parents. He loved me deeply, and was very protective of me. He had a serious dark-side. He would get very aggressive. He took-out fits of rage on me, verbally. He demeaned and mocked me. He would turn every argument into a court-case, and condescend to me. Often speaking over me, using a very nasty and sneering tone in his voice. I put-up with it, because I'm lay back. I don't like to argue, and not worried about my physical-safety; because I can take care of myself. Oh, he even smashed expensive pieces of art; and hand-painted Japanese porcelain I bought, to emphasize just how pissed he was. I took this from him, writing it off as being "high-strung" or "under-pressure." It went-on for years!
Know what? He yelled at me and threw a tantrum just one too many times. I told him in no uncertain terms; I don't care how much he loves me, or I love him. I will kick his arrogant ass into the street (through legal-means of course!); and if he even so much as breathed another word above a decibel the human ear can pickup; I would call the police, and charge him with assault. I kept pictures of everything he broke. I couldn't even file claims on the insurance to replace them; because they were purposely destroyed in a fit! I told him either he leaves, or I'll leave. It was his ego and conceit, his sheer gall! The hell with anger-management! That wasn't even going to be negotiated, an ultimatum, or even on the table! He was full of himself; and looking down his snotty-nose at me! I would not even so much as look or speak to him; unless it was about business, the dog, or is was important. I told him I really wanted him gone! I did not like him, and called him out on an ego that made him a total sociopath...yes, I used that term! I looked it up!
Needless to say, he knew I was serious. I wouldn't budge. I went cold as ice. I did not use silent-treatment, I just refused pleasant conversation, spoke when spoken to, and went about my life. If he got angry, I demanded he calm-down; and I left the room. I locked the door when I went into the next room; and I promised to call the police, if I heard him yelling. I would put the phone to the door; so they could hear it. When we couldn't argue without yelling, I stood silent; and stared him straight in the eyes. I insisted we revisit the issue later; and we will discuss it until it was resolved, but not when he's angry. It took a while, but it payed-off. He stopped yelling, purchased me very beautiful works of art, and we had calm and compromising-discussions like two adults. We still argued, and either of us got pissed-off; but I was going to call the police when he raged, or had a tantrum. I'm not perfect, I can be a handful too. I have my ways. I didn't rage on him, I didn't break stuff, and yelling isn't my thing. He saw it as weakness, passivity, submissive, and calling himself being the Alpha-male!
He could not afford to have his reputation with his firm destroyed; and I was not going to be a victim of abuse and rage. I was damned serious. I'm a man, so it was easier perhaps; but it takes resolve. I meant it, when I said I would leave! I also contemplated whether I would just rather throw him out. He could bring-on all the legal-crap he wanted; he would embarrass himself. I had every intention of bringing charges, and issuing a restraining order; which I reminded him time and time again. We regained peace and harmony in our home. He was still a proud-egotist; but he became an even better-man. He always called me his rock of Gibraltar, and a human-sedative. I simply got tired of his bull$h!t!!! Anyone who knows me, knows I mean what I say; and say what I mean! You have to be that way!
If your hubby doesn't get himself into anger-management therapy, and stay there! Leave him. If he starts tossing things or grabbing you... SHOW HIM WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING!!! Call the police! Levy charges for assault or threatening; if he grabs you, or makes that threat about "showing you what he can really do!" It's not an idle-threat, eventually he will show you!
If a person uses intimidation, rage, and aggression to use your fear against you...THAT IS ABUSE! There is psychological-abuse, and there is physical-violence. Take your pick, either is abuse!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): Yes OP how your husband acts is abusive. Deep down inside you already know this. Abuse can take different forms, it doesn't have to be physical. In my opinion, mental abuse is just as hurtful as physical and can honestly be even more harmful because it just keeps building up over time. My question to you is why are you staying? It won't get better unless your husband decides to change and he needs anger management. I've lived with an abusive husband. It becomes pure hell walking around on eggshells trying desperately to control everything so that nothing will trigger that person. Its exhausting, stressful and can be quite frightening. I got out. I suggest you do the same. Who needs it? Yeah he might be a good guy but his anger issues are a real problem and again..who needs it?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 March 2020):
 Will it actually help you in any way to label your husband's behaviour?
Is the important thing not that you feel uncomfortable and, in your own words, "After almost two decades of this, I’m tired and empty. I just don’t care anymore."
For what it's worth (and I am no expert), your husband sounds like he is unable to handle stress of any kind. People who cannot handle stress have never truly accepted that the world is not as they want it to be. This can go back as far as them being babies.
I don't doubt for a minute that your husband is a good man with a good heart. However, his behaviour blights your life and makes you unhappy. If he cannot find a professional who can help him to learn to handle what he sees as stress in better ways than he does now, this is your life until/unless you choose to leave.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2020):
 Of course it is abuse, what else do you want to call it, when someone yells at you and call you names for no good reason, and tries to intimidate you, and threatens you with physical violence ? when any " trigger " can make him throw things at you, smash household items, grab your arm or shoulder ,and make you reasonably fear for your physical safety ? How do you call it when he recklessly endangers your life ?....
Now, maybe you want to argue that he is not °very ° abusive, or° constantly ° abusive, or ° excessively " abusive… and , on one hand, perhaps you could be right, surely there are much worse cases of spousal abuse around. Women who do get beaten up routinely, who regularly end up to the E.R. because of violent partners, women who can't have a moment of peace because the kind of disgusting scenes you describe happen every single day in their homes, rather than just once in a while… OTH, I guess it depends from personal tastes and personal sense of boundaries, - TBH if it were me, I would not have lasted 18 weeks like this, forget about 18 years !! pardon me but your husband acts bat -shit crazy , like a total madman, I'd be afraid to be in the same room with him for an afternoon, leave alone in the same car!,- now it is possible that his behaviour stems from his ADHD/ anxiety / depression ( although I am skeptical about it, because I have known tons of people with this kind of issues and none was so out-of-control explosive ) , but his mental health could be at most an explanation of his actions, not a justification; anxiety and depression, and least of all ADHD, are not a good reason to keep tormenting and terrorizing your partner ! There are different kind of therapies, there are meds, there is meditation, there is good old self control…. and if nothing, nothing whatsoever works , then, alas, this means unluckily he is just not fit to have a wife and live with one. Same as a blind man can't be the world champion of target shooting; it won't be his fault that he can't shoot straight- still, he must stay away from guns, period.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 March 2020):
 I think I remember this OP from way back (the bike scenario sounds familiar).
I'm pretty sure you got the advice that YES, this is abusive behavior and WHY are you still there? You CAN NOT change him by staying, you CAN NOT change him by loving him.
Calling the police will do what? They will show up, he will behave and nothing further will happen. They will write a report. Since YOU stay, what can they really do?
Yes, there will be a "paper trail" of treats, but how would that help you if he DOES decide to "show you what he really can do"? You could be dead.
Why not TAKE the advice you would give your sister?
To cut bait and leave?
Because it won't be easy to leave? It's scary? It's unknown? It's become the "norm" for you?
YOU are in charge (generally) of HOW you ""LET" people treat you. BY staying and "accepting" his insincere apologies and violent outburst you "tell" him it's OK to talk/yell/scream at you AS long as he give you platitudes in form of an apology.
Now I get that you feel numb, you are so USED to this treatment that you think staying will be easier and that eventually HE will stop, eventually learn to not be abusive, BUT he won't.
It will escalate. You involve the police? Do you think he will be OK with that? After they leave?
The police CAN NOT save you. You can.
You might not be a battered wife but you are systematically abused. So much so, that you write:" And more often than not he is caring, sweet, funny…"
Knowing that HE WILL NOT change, WHY do you stay?
And what kind of therapist do you have that worry about your safety but doesn't HELP you leave?
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