A
female
age
36-40,
*estlessAntics
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He's 4 years younger than me, with us meeting when I was 22 and when he was 18. He is my first love and we had an amazing dynamic relationship.8 months into our relationship, he started flirting with other girls. I didn't know about this until our 18 months, where I caught him seriously falling for another girl he was flirting with. I gave him chances to stop seeing her, but he didn't and after a week of the lies we broke up.However, my being still stupid in love told myself that it was because of his age and that he needed to sow his wild oats. From the moment we broke up he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted me back. I refused, but after 2 months of being broken up, I took him back because he dumped all the girls he was with and promised he could change because I'm the only girl for him.I took him back and for the past 6 months we've been dating again. Being cheated on once already, I was paranoid and looked through his phone and IMs and for those 6 months he did nothing bad, didn't stray and really was sincere about changing. However, this month, I caught him flirting again. I let it go as a small slip up because I felt like we did so much work to get to where we were. However, a few weeks later, I found out he had kissed her. I was beginning to contemplate maybe I should end the relationship. I confronted him about the kiss thing, we had a huge argument where I cried and cried...and he admitted that he had a problem and should probably see a therapist. I spoke with his best friend, and it seems that he really has no remorse for any of the cheating that he did. And the day after our argument he did "everything but sex with her". Although in front of my face he says he regrets it and cries, according to his best friend he says he was glad that he "hit it" (referring to the other girls). Also, during the 6 months we tried dating again I really got into his head and found out that he has a sick problem with liking it when girls cry.I decided that this relationship had become abusive in its own way. My emotions were constantly being pulled here and there, I felt constantly manipulated, and there is no remorse for how much he hurts me. My problem is leaving him when I know he needs me most. He knows he needs to see a psychologist and we were already planning therapy when he cheated on me again. Now that I'm leaving, he refuses to go to therapy, went ahead and slept with the new girl, and has been abusing alcohol and drugs. I know people are going to say that he doesn't love me, but I know he does and everyone else knows he loves me too...which is the sad part... I feel that there just is a character/personality disorder and there is something mentally wrong where he lacks empathy and can't control himself.Despite everything, I still love him very much and although I have made the decision to not be his girlfriend anymore, I can't help but be worried about his problem and destructive behavior. Is there nothing that I can do? Is this the right thing to do? Will breaking up with him help him finally learn in the long run how to treat a girl properly? Or will he always be bitter? I already contacted his older brother about his problem, hoping he could get him help.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Is there nothing you can do?
Nope, nothing you can do.
Is this the right thing to do?
Absolutely! He may claim to love you, and you may think he does, but his BEHAVIOR is not that of someone who loves you. He may have problems, but those don't excuse what he's doing. He's a liar, a cheat, and a manipulative asshole. He belongs in your rear view mirror.
Will breaking up with him help him learn how to treat a girl?
Maybe, but most likely not. The reason is he has no desire to treat a woman properly. He has to want to change for any real change to happen. He has no desire to change.
Will he always be bitter?
Most likely.
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (9 March 2011):
 I can see how much you care for this guy, and I completely understand. I don't know how he feels, but what is obvious is that he needs help. He sounds like he has several addictions, love, sex, drugs, and alcohol, going on. He definitely does need therapy. You must understand that it is not your job to fix him. It will always be his. You yourself, as well as this boy, are pressuring you to be the one to fix him. That won't work. Not with someone who is depressed, and not with someone with addictions. He has to want to fix himself. He can ask for help from his loved ones and therapists, but you absolutely cannot be the driving force. He won't heal that way, and you will be drained and sucked into that hole with him. Make yourself available to him as a friend, and encourage him to get help for himself and the people he loves. In the end, it is his choice, so don't let it eat you up inside. You have to let yourself live your own life. I think you made a good choice by breaking up with him. Now you've got to make the choice of not emotionally entangling yourself in his struggle. Best of Luck
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