A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy, who is new in the city 4 weeks ago through a dating site. He is 44 and divorced in another country nearly a year ago. On date one he told me that he wants a chance to date and meet women, but that he does not rule out a long term relationship. We have had 4 wonderful dates, including walking around town together doing couple things and we have had sex. He seems genuine when he says he wants to see me again and I have started to feel attached to him. On the down side I don't hear much from him in between dates and feel a bit managed as a result. I saw him mid week during our last date and we were both around this easter weekend but he did not ask me out over the weekend. I noticed he was using the dating website on Friday and I assume he has been out with someone else last night. Am I just wasting my time hoping for a long term relationship or should I give him the space to figure out what he wants. I don't know what to expect with the whole online dating thing these days.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 April 2015):
 "I'm not ruling out the possibility of an LTR"
is code for "No I'm not LOOKING for an LTR but if I meet 'the one' I won't say no"
BUT you are not "the one" (at least not yet) and he has every right to not call you for a weekend or not see you or go on the dating site to see what else is out there...
Are you wasting your time? Only if you sit back and wait for him to make up his mind.
at this point my advice:
see him when he calls
STOP Having sex with him
stop having casual 'house dates' (dinner and a movie at your place or his... or anything that we "stay in" for... to me that's the realm of committed serious relatioships)
put yourself back out on the dating site and don't say no to new dates...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2015): I've never dated online but I've read loads of stories about the confusion and misery it seems to cause.To me it seems that the downside of online dating is that the vast majority of the sites are set up to make money. People seem to forget this when they use them. This commercial aspect deliberately creates a sense of choice, as a consumer, to lure you in as with a shop and then to keep you coming back for more. Even in sites that are free, the principle is the same; people become products and are commodified in ways that are intended to maintain this sense of "shopping" and, above all else, choice. It's the sense of choice and being able to exert choice that gets people all excited. They don't really associate the person that they meet with any cost at all - they pay to sign up and might think about that from time to time, but they don't usually think of the person they are on a date with as a commodity that they've effectively purchased. The situation is not quite as 'up front' as normal shopping. This creates a situation in which, on the one hand, whoever is out looking on these sites, gets a sense of entitlement to choose because that's what they've signed up and paid for.But, at the same time, that feeling of commercial cost gets lost somewhere in the mix. The outcome, as far as I see it, is that those involved tend to start treating the other people partly like a product to be chosen and/or either kept or returned to the shop BUT also, partly like a human being in the traditional sense of that; today there is STILL some sense of how human relationships used to work (before online dating), so you will still get people making a pretense of maintaining those standards and those niceties.This is the mix that I think you are in. On the one hand the guy clearly doesn't want to lose that feeling of being in this great shopping experience where he can 'buy' these products (women) without really thinking much about them as products but also not having to really treat them quite like human beings in the "old fashioned" sense. He is loving the feeling of being able to keep his options wide open AND have a good product in reserve, for him to keep testing out whilst he waits to see if there are any other "hidden" bargains and possibly even a total blinder of a product, stashed away somewhere or waiting to come into the shop.He's got enough of a sense of how things used to be to say all of this to you in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings enough to make things uncomfortable FOR HIM. If he described things to you just like I've described them now he knows you'd run a mile. So he's just adjusting his language to make it seem like this is something like the "old fashioned" way of doing things - except it really isn't. If anything, it's just a commercial way of exploiting how things used to be and confusing a hell of a lot of people, particularly women, in the meantime.I think the only way to handle this is for you to be a bit more of a "shopper" yourself. I know of one couple who knew EXACTLY what they were looking for before even joining up. They'd sat down before they knew each other and been utterly honest and upfront with themselves, in a way that might even seem ruthless. But it was to avoid any pain and avoiding causing anyone else any pain.He was a struggling photographer, talented but little money. She was a fairly wealthy doctor, older and not really amazingly attractive. She'd been forced to become a doctor by her parents and had always wanted to explore her creative side. They only met with each other on that site and they both came off the site as soon as they met. It wasn't your typical "falling in love" experience - they are both old enough and wise enough to know that there was a practical side to it that other people might find upsetting - he needed a wealthier partner and wasn't bothered about looks, she wanted someone to guide her in her creative endeavours and was happy to share her wealth with a reasonably good looking partner. They work really well as a couple. It's not my "thing", I just wouldn't do it myself. But I do recognise and appreciate the way that they've gone about it. And they both fully acknowledge that it's a "shopping mall" experience that you have to handle with absolutely no illusions about what you are doing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2015):
 I tend to agree with Janniepeg. He told you, he's on the dating site to meet and date WOMEN ( plural ), although not excluding blah blah. Even supposing it was not just a PC statement in lieu of " I want just to kill some time and to get laid " still, it is very different to say : Today I am going window shopping , not excluding though that, if I chance into something absolutely fantastic, I might even make a purchase,- from saying : Today I am going out because I have decided to buy myself a new phone,( or new TV set etc.).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 April 2015):
 WIth the whole online dating thing, I would only put my heart into a guy who says he's looking for long term, and not just say not ruling out long term as a possibility. With wishy washy guys you need a lot of work convincing him and at the end he still has some excuse. Better to start with a guy who is sure. All my dating had been done online and the decision to be exclusive was quite early. If you don't feel he wants to do the effort of getting to know you better then it's a waste of time. Even if he has the space to "figure it out", then to date you again I suspect it's because he hasn't found anyone yet, rather than he really wants to be with you. Being an option is very unromantic.
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