A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in two long-term relationships for most of my adult life. In my first marriage, I was pretty much starved for conversation, as my husband wasn't much of a talker. When he got home at night I'd ask how his day went, he'd grunt without really saying a thing, so I'd fill in the silence with my own stories, which I suppose he never minded, but certainly wasn't "conversation" by any means. After year 7, I found myself attracted to men who would talk to me, and I met several which I formed friendships with over the years. The fact that they'd actually open up and tell me things about themselves, about their job, or their life experiences impressed me since my husband never said more than two words to me on a daily basis. Eventually one of those friendships led to other things so I ended the marriage. It was clear that my husband and I were compatible and I ddn't want to cheat on him. Now years later I have gotten re-married and my current husband talks to me. Granted he never wants to hear anyone's opinion but his own, but he does talk. So yes we do have conversations,but most of them end in screaming matches because unlike my first husband, this one insists on having a robot who was raised in the 40's who lets her husband do all the thinking, planning, problem-solving and decision-making while she remained busy in the kitchen with her little white apron and being basicaly clueless about life beyond her kitchen. What is wrong with me? I had an amazing husband before, why was "conversation" so important and how I would love to have someone to come home to that isn't going to constantly order me around and act like I am not capable a thinking on my own. I have a college degree. I am in upper management. I am quite capable of knowing what to do. Not only that, but my current husband has a hard time showing affection. He rarely hugs me, kisses me, holds my hand; and sex is rare. I think we're too young to become stale so quickly (only married 2 years). Am I just suffering from the 'grass-is-greener' syndrome? I am so disappointed with myself for not being able to find a man that fits me. Why is it so hard to find someone who is kind, sweet, romantic AND knows how to talk to me? I just feel like a huge failure right now. I don't want to get divorced. But I really thought my life would be different by now. I really thought I'd be with someone who understood me, a real partner, who talks to me and listens to my ideas without shutting me down. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm too old to start over with someone and I'm scared to be alone. I just don't know how to make this work.
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female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (25 September 2012):
Ok, so life is trial and error. And your life is by no means over. I don't think you need to beat yourself up over this, but I do think you could be "third time lucky" eventually.
That husband of yours (currently) is unlikely to change his outdated opinions and ways. So if it's not for you, it's time to split up.
You sound intelligent and independant. Given time, I think you could find yourself someone who is a good match but don't rush into anything.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Hi
Did you actually take time to get to know either of your husbands before you married them?
The first didnt make you happy, you chose to seek out MEN who talked to you, so, you were looking to replace your husband really.Conversation or mental stimulation can be had with other women or via outside interests.
The current husband talks down to you and starves you of affection,you row constantly. Not a recipe for happy ever after or a good match.He needs a housekeeper not a wife.
You've never mentioned being in love with either of them.
You need to be brave, let him go, live alone and discover yourself and what you want in a man.Compramise as well, a man is only human and comes with different foibles just as we do, if you truly love the man you won't worry about the little things.
Dont be disappointed in yourself plenty don't get it right 1,2,3 sometimes more times..
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 I don't think you're suffering from the grass is greener syndrome. It is hard to understand the true nature of a person in a short time. you have focused too much on one issue and need to consider the bigger picture. most men like to talk and listen. you must take each relationship slowly and see if the person has everything you want. saying that though you can't have everything, there will be compromises. good luck. also spend a bit of time by yourself too. a partner cannot provide you with everything.
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