A
female
age
51-59,
*OST AND CONFUSED
writes:I've only been married a month and a half and I have learned my husband tried calling his ex girlfriend the other day (anonymously). I know this because I looked at his calls on his cell phone. Let me go back a bit to explain why I did this... When we were dating he cheated on me with two to three other females, he broke up with me before I found out,his reason for breaking up with me was that he just found out his ex gf was pregnant and he had to be there for the baby. He moved her here to texas from flordia..well a day later I found out that she was not pregnant never was and basicly was an excuse to get away from this area to get away from us 3 woman he did wrong. I forgave him and we got back together after he sent FL woman back to FL. Things were better he moved in with me, I decided after christmas to ask him to marry me... He said yes, the next day I noticed he fell asleep with his phone in the bed so I looked, he had texted his ex gf (one of the ones he cheated on me with) he texted her asking if she still loved him... she said yes and he told her good cause he still loved her... Well I never said anything hoping he'd change, I love him so much. We did marry and thought things were good.. till the other day. I do love this man I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. My kids love him and so does my family, they think he's the greatest... what do I do? He doesn't know that I know any of this.. and now we're married and my kids are attached..What do i do? Does he even love me? or does he have mental issues?
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broke up, cheated on me, christmas, ex girlfriend, got back together, his ex, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Good for you for recognizing what you need to do, and I'm really happy to hear the finances are separate, that should make things easier.
The strength you need you'll have to pull from deep inside yourself, maybe think about protecting your children. Your sister sounds like she could be of help too...
Why not make an appointment with a divorce attorney before giving your cheater the news? You might feel stronger if you knew all your ducks were in a row first. Also, a therapist might not be a bad idea, just for short term help too...
All the best, you WILL live through this, I know.
A
female
reader, LOST AND CONFUSED +, writes (28 March 2008):
LOST AND CONFUSED is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You All... When I wrote this I knew what I needed to do I've known along time. First thing would be to confront him and quit pretending everything is ok... Now all I have to do is find the nerve to do it, you see no one has ever had this kind of hold on me. Maybe it's like the old saying "You want what you can't have", but up until him I've never had a problem speaking my mind... But with him I just can't open my mouth. You know I still haven't changed my name, I haven't done anything. Our finances are totally separate, he pays his bills, and I pay mine... Usually I'm the type of person that takes over in the relationship, I just haven't with him... I just can't even bring myself to change my name.. So I know, just doing anything about it WELL.. Guess I just don't want to give up hope that one day he will love me enough to change. Though I know in his past he's cheated on ever female that I'm aware of, this is his 3rd marrage. Don't know why I thought I would be different... he's a charmer or as I told my sister... Don't believe anything he tells you he should have been a "used car salesman" Where am I ganna find the nerve? :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2008):
Oh dear, I'm afraid you won't like to hear this, but I think you know the answer or you wouldn't be here asking this question...
You married a cheater, I think. A cheater can be a lovely, caring, interesting man, and when he's with you, the world around you may just evaporate for a bit. But he still can find the time to meet up with other women, keep them strung along, and always be looking for the next conquest.
In my working life, I had the chance to see some of these guys in action. There was something called the 50 mile rule, which essentially meant that once they were outside a certain radius from their families, no fidelity rules applied. These guys were handsome, charming, and self-confident that they attracted women. I always wondered what their wives were doing while thee men were behaving like single men.
Sorry, to get back to your question, I think you know he's not going to stay faithful to you. My question to you is would it be better to end things sooner rather than later? Before your finances and children and friends are so intertwined that ending it will be a huge nightmare?
Go forward 2 or 3 or 5 or 10 years from now, do you think he'll stop now? Do you still want to be checking his cell phone for texts and his email for messages?
Sorry to be so gloomy and negative about this, but I don't think he's going to change all of a sudden unless he really wants to.
Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): You know, you've only been married a month and half. Yet, you're already doubting his faithfulness. I don't think you did the right thing marrying a man that you have had such a.. rocky past with. Especially since you asked HIM to marry you, instead of the other way round. This hints to me that maybe he wasn't thinking about marriage but was taken a bit by surprise. This is why I think in a lot of cases, it's easier if the man asks the woman..
I can't say whether he loves you or not - I don't know enough information and haven't seen the two of you together! But it sounds as though he does.. Personally, I have no idea what he's playing at. But you guys need to sort this out by asking him straight out why the hell he's texting his girlfriend. He's a married man now, and needs to realise that this behavior can't go on. Tell him if he actually does love his ex, then your marriage can't go on. And if he truly does love you, he'll stop all this nonsense and put back the pieces, because you deserve more.
Good luck, honestly, all the luck in the world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Well hun this is a toughie....:( I'm going to be honest here ok. please don't get mad . honestly I don't think he loves you as much as you love him..... He may love you but he may also love that other girl (or even more then that)too. Because you have kids I urge to try to work it out. but the constant cheating isn't good for you or your kids. I say to straight up ask him " R you cheating ?" if he says no then he's either lying or isn't cheating but still loves that other girl . Then ask him if he loves this girl and if he says yes then tell him to take a hike ! DO you really want him there if he doesn't love you ? or if he loves you AND somebody else . It's not right! You can hope like everything and try and wait til things get better but 9 times out of ten they don't ..... it's sad but true and I'm sorry . I urge you again to try your best to stay together for the kids and yourselves ...
I hope I helped in some way.....
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you
*~VG~*
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