A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:A few months agoI have asked help on how to deal with a man i have been chatting online with for 18 months as he had seemed to have pulled away.I found out later that he had met a girl and that he had been looking at houses in my country to move in with this girl and his son from previous marriage.It had hurt me very much to realise that while he was making plans with me about the future,he has someone else in mind...I have to to find it out accidentally as he had been ignoring all my mails and calls.When i found out about it, i had decided to drop him. deleted him on my list etc. but then his son started talking to me. He is 9, and he was telling me how he hates this lady.How she keep his dad away from him.and was asking me for help to talk to his dad.I did wrote a short letter to him about his son's feeling and after that I had stayed away and taught myself to move on even tho' it was really really hard. It had been more than six months now but the other day, he had added me again on messenger and we started chatting again. chatted with his young sons and i felt really happy.I felt we had picked up where we had left.He gave me the impression that the relationship with the other girl isn't working because his kids dont like her and she does not like kids.and she had gone back to her country.Although he didnt ask me back, he told me he misses me and that he had been thinking of me a lot and that he should have really asked me to come.He said if it was me and not her with him, his 9 yr old son woould still be staying with him as the boy apparently loves me and had kept asking him why he had not chosen me instead.I realised I still have strong feelings for him and now my hope is renewed but i have so many questions in my head about what happened when he pulled away from me without a word. I wanted to ask why? why? and what was I lacking for him to drop me for someone he had just met when all the time he was telling me I am the best ...but I am worried that if i start questioning , he will pull away again. Last night i have recieved an e-mail from the girl asking me if it was him or his son who had given me his e-mail.And that apparently they are having a fight online becos of me.I dont know what their situation is and i dont want to be in the middle of their dispute either but at the same time I do not want to lose this new chance of getting close to him again..but also thinking what if i get used again? Am i just setting myself up for another painful episode? My best friend didnt like the idea of me talking to him again. She thinks he is just going to hurt me again .My sister says the same.. but i want to believe that maybe this man had realised what he had lost.. I dont know..How am i suppose to deal with it.. How am i suppose to keep him talking to me (and i will be honest, i want to win him back)? Do tell me how to play it cool...thank you for any advice..
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for both your replies both of which makes perfect sense and advice which I myself would give had it not been me who is in the situation.I have asked myself over and over why am I doing this?I consider myself sensible and quite strong when it comes to dealing with situations like these.I have dropped and rejected men who i feel will not respect and will hurt me.And online,when anyone who chats me up disappears without a word ,the next time they try and talk to me, I at once put them in their place and will not give them the chance to string me along.Let me say also that I am not short of attention from guys both online and in "real life" as I am considered attractive and fun to be with.When I go out with friends ,guys do approach me and chats me up.Have a few guys proposing marriage but (and I do beat myself up for it) no one seem to capture my heart like this man whom I have not even met in person. And there are several answers that myself, give myself ie:
a)since I have spent a considerable amount of my time and effort( 18 months)trying to build up an online relationship with this man and had put all my hopes and dreams for the future with him, even stopped talking and accepting interests from other men ( cos he told me that he is very big on honesty and would not want to find out that I am also talking to other men)He told me he love me and cannot imagine me with other men. so I heed his wishes and had become very very very loyal to him and only him.and when he suddenly pulled away in the manner that he did and without even giving me the reason why.. i think my pride was hurt and maybe .. it is now my pride and bruised ego who is wanting to capture him again so that this time I am going to drop him as he did me..
b)I am a naturally cautious person when it comes to men and dating.. I am not one to be taken easily. Have never had one night stands and never had a relationship that did not last for years. I have always acted with pride and dignity.As I know i am attractive, i have never acted nor become desperate..and had never fought with any woman for any man's attention.. even my husband's.When I caught him in bed with a girl i had known for 6 years.. it was ,okay..you cheated on me big time, you two can have each other.I knew from that time there is no way my husband will ever be accepted in my life again no matter if he ask for forgiveness or not.but perhaps it was because, catching my husband in bed with another woman,had given me the necessary closure I needed to drop him from mine and our son's life.Forgiven him and her for it but never to get back with him ever.With this man, I have not had a closure. yes I found out what he had done.. but maybeit is the masochist in me, I want to see him in person , meet him and have the chance to reject him in person, myself..again maybe it is my pride and ego.. I reject men, and not the other way around.One mistake from them and they are gone but I have to be the one to do it.( I know, I do sound confused..lol!!)
c)maybe it is the not wanting the " what ifs" questions hanging around my head.. The "what if" he had met me in person , he would feel that I am the one he was looking for after all.. We all know that whatever online feelings developed can only be validated once you met each other physically.I really really want him to see me in person and vice versa. The "whatif" like my step aunt,who had married her online bf two years ago, and my american flatmate and his Malaysian girlfriend, our online story will end up the same..yes.. the same thing had happened to my step aunt.. the guy she eventually married had been chatting up and had met at least 5 ladies before he had gone back to my step aunt and eventually married her.And now they are both happy and so much inlove.My american flatmate,( he was actually one of my online friends before) and his Malaysian fiancee had lost contact for more than a year,and she have had an online relationship with other people for a year. According to both of them.. one day they saw each other online and started talking again...and realised that it is each other they wanted after all. He had decided to find a job here in Asia and moved here a year ago ,met up with her and now they are engaged.."what if" the same thing is to happen to me and this man?" what if? If I dont get the answers, even tho a heartache is a big possibility, I will forever be thinking of the "what ifs" that has never been answered..
d)or maybe I really am in love with this man that my heart is set to love him heartbreak or no heartbreak that even when my mind says "stupid girl" my heart wont hear it.
In conclusion tho,I think I do want to have the chance for us to meet in person.I want to be able to know wether I am in love with the person or just his online persona.
I am sorry for this long letter.. I do want someone to see this thing objectively being an outsider because admittedly I am already confusing myself.hahahah! It is not depressing me at all but my objectivity in life seem to be clouded.. so I needed others point of view.I just hate" what ifs"
A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (19 December 2007):
 Yes, I beleive this guy is playing a game stringing you along. I agree with your sister and bestfriend. I would stay away. This other woman contacting you was definately a sign that she is still very much involved in his life and whether his kids like her or not the decision is ultimately up to him. It is Ok to send a friendly hello every now and again, but if I were you I would move on and forget about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): If you really want to "win" him back in the sense that you would love him to really look up to you and respect you and perhaps even genuinely grow fond of you, maybe even realise that he loves you and get to the point where he truly regrets what he did, then DO NOT by any means get back with him or forgive him for what he's done. You can keep talking to him and his son amicably, but truly move on and do not even think about getting back with him or make him think that it has even crossed your mind. No matter if he begs, just say "I'm sorry it didn't work I wish you all the best." Show him that you have DIGNITY and that you do not forgive mistakes like that.
ON THE OTHER HAND, if you want to "win" him back in the sense that you want to start sleeping with him or dating him again, then just keep talking to him and accept all of his advances and just be at his beck and call and hopefully he will come around. If you choose to do this, he will have NO respect for you and WILL end up hurting you again. So maybe in the short term you will "win" but in the long term you will LOSE big time.
It's up to you. I personally would ALWAYS choose my dignity over any man.
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