A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old female who has never had a desire to have sexual intercourse. When I had my first boyfriend when I was 14, we did everything sexual but intercourse. We both agreed we weren't ready for it yet. Then I had another boyfriend and I told him the same thing. He wanted sex but respected my desire to not do so. Now I'm in college and I feel like it's so much harder to meet someone who wants to wait. I had my fair share of hook ups freshman and sophomore year of college, but none of them included intercourse. I always felt super glad that I didn't later when things got awkward later. I just saw it as something special and was glad that no guy had any claims on me like that. I also just wished things were like they were back in high school, when you could make out with someone without it HAVING to lead to sex. I also never really got over the idea of having a penis inside me, that just always sounded super painful. I got close to having sex a couple times, but I think I was always subconsciously making it more painful than it really had to be by not relaxing my muscles. Then, last year around this time I got a boyfriend. I felt all this pressure to have sex with him within the first weeks of going out, and it was hard for me to convince myself that he actually liked me more than for just sex since I had past boyfriends who went years without doing it. I also think that since I have such a low sex drive that every time a guy wants to have sex with me I automatically assume they want to use me for sex, even if they are my boyfriend. So I ended up having sex with this boyfriend, partly because I felt a lot of pressure to do so, but we only did it a couple of times because I could never relax and it ended up hurting and I didn't ever want to attempt to do it again. I got it to not hurt a couple times, but the only way I could do that was to not think about was going on down there, as if I was putting in a tampon or something. I thought that once I had sex once, I would love it and all my weird feelings towards intercourse would go away and I would want to do it all the time and everything would be okay, but it wasn't really like that. And I was definitely very attracted and in love with him which makes it more confusing as to why that didn't happen. We broke up after two months (for multiple reasons) and I'm still single now. I haven't even felt like trying to get a boyfriend ever since then because I know if I do I will feel obliged to have sex with them all the time and I doubt I will feel like doing that. Am I still just not ready for sex or am I asexual? Do I just need to suck it up and do it a couple more times? I think maybe if I had had an orgasm before I would feel differently about all of these things. But I just feel like I would need to be so tight with someone before I ever felt like they weren't using me for sex for us to actually get to that point. If I were still with that guy and it was entirely my choice I probably still wouldn't have had sex with him, just cause I would feel like I wanted more time to get to know him. But we're not in high school anymore, and it's unlikely anyone wants to wait years and years to do that anymore. I wish I could just be like all my other friends and not overthink it so much.
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female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (26 March 2011):
At the moment I think it's impossible to be able to even guess at whether or not you're asexual as you have built up sex to be a very stressful almost negative thing. If you were pretty much indifferent to sex and just felt no desire for it then I would be more inclined to think you're asexual. My advice to you is to wait for someone you trust. You may feel pressured to have sex in the first few weeks but that doesn't mean you have to give into it. They are harder to find without a doubt but there are men out there who would wait for you to feel ready. Any who wouldn't surely aren't worth spending your time on. In my experience men who are just after sex won't wait for more than a year, especially without a date or promise of when you'll do the deed but I think you need to really wait until you're totally ready, or the sex won't be enjoyable and that will put you off even more. If you're nervous, your vagina will be tighter as the muscles are tense meaning sex is less comfortable, even painful.I agree that having an orgasm could help, it won't solve all your problems but getting to know your body, what you like and what you don't will probably make you less nervous and sex more enjoyable. So experiment with yourself, buy a vibrator or other toys if you want.If I were you I wouldn't rush into anything with any other guys for a while. I know what it's like to feel different from all your friends but you are who you are and you'll have to learn to accept it and find the ways that work for you in life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): Hey there, i'm 22 and until recently, I felt virtually the same, however, I lost my virginity at 14 because I was basically a door-mat. For 8 long years I never wanted to have sex, never got horny, never had it on my mind and when I knew it was immenent, I felt nervous, shaky and even sick. I had moments of enjoyment from it and small climaxes, but nothing compared to a real orgasm. I had given up all hope and simply accepted that I was broken in some way and unable to feel good about sex or enjoy it. But then, all that changed. I have been with my partner for 3 years, we are comfortable with each other and he understood how I felt about sex. He researched a lot about possible ways to help me, he was so determined to find a way to show me how sex was meant to feel. Then, he found it. Believe it or not, but the key is in massage. If he gives you a full body massage with 'Extra Virgin Oil' (Which is safe to use externally, internally and for consumption), working on your pressure points in your bum cheeks/upper inner thighs/above your pelvic bone, it eases all the tension and sets off the hormones the cause orgasm's. Once your relaxed and comfortable, that's when he should begin warming you up sexually. It is a long process, you'll need a good few hours of preparation. The result was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. An unprecedented release of every fear, worry and anxious thought I had ever had about sex. Moments after finishing, I burst into tears. He had done what I thought was impossible because it left me wanting more.I hope this helps. D.
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