A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This may be a long description but you have to get the whole story. My boyfriend of 5 months and I met at work. He had a girlfriend at the time. We always flirted and had a good time when working together and we made each other laugh. One night he got my phone number off of the worker's chart and texted me. That night he came over and we had sex. We continued seeing each other and after about 2 weeks he said I love you to me. He said he couldn't really put any other words to the feelings he was having about me. And by the way he'd been acting with me I believed his words were genuine. (I know its a short period of time but in all honesty I believe he really did love me only after 2 weeks.) Anyway, things were good and have been good. Really good. He stopped having sex with his gf the day before he said I love you to me and although he never told her that he cheated on her they broke up soon after. He cheated on her because she hurt him. (He says he's only ever cheated when he's hurt i.e. asking his ex to marry him only to have her say go to hell or this ex getting an abortion and running away and not letting him go with her. she just abandoned him). he tells me that if i never hurt him, he won't hurt me (that's how i am too) and that if something ever happened he would tell me because he felt so guilty about not telling his ex and it ate him up inside. my paranoia will always be there because i've been cheated on before and i've gone a little psycho on him: examples: he visited me in sf and one of his friends was telling someone that he went to sf with someone else. so in my mind, i thought that he came up on the greyhound with another person. i wouldn't let it go. he told me he paid $96 for the ticket and that he only had to pay an extra dollar because he didn't know what day he was coming back. when i called greyhound to confirm this they said that they would have charged him $15, not just $1. so i thought that he got 2 one-way tickets. One for him, and one for the girl i thought he came with. So when i went home i dragged him to the greyhound station so that the people that worked there could confirm it for me. and to my surprise, he confirmed the $1 fee and the fact that it was round-trip for ONE PERSON. so as sure as i was about it, i was wrong. I've spent every day at his place for about a month and we spend all our time together. one day i noticed some stickers on the mirror in the hallway from victorias secret that i'd never noticed before. I was CONVINCED that another girl had put them there and I didn't believe him when he told me they'd been there since his ex still lived there. I never noticed them before and i walked past the mirror EVERY DAY and never saw them so i thought he was lying. But when he left for work i asked his housemates who just recently moved in and they told me they'd been there since they first went to check out the apartment; they'd been there since before they had moved in. I was irritated that i'd never noticed them. Also, i looked through his trash and found a phone number and when i asked him about it he said it was an athletic club in our city. i was like yeah right and was convinced it was a girl's number. and when i called it was indeed the athletic club. ok so the most recent one is that he got off of work one day and told me that he was going to a sports mart to sell some of his ex's snowboard gear. then he called to tell me he was going to a shop to buy weed for a friend. he had gotten off of work at 6 and didn't pick me up until 8. when i got to his place i went to take a shower (neither one of us had taken a shower that morning) and i saw a hair on the wall. indeed it was my color but i have never washed my hair at his place. i rinsed it once a few days before but i usually I put it in a ponytail and just wash my body. so i was wondering how it had gotten there since i hadn't noticed it before. also, the pillow smelled of shampoo and as i said, i don't wash my hair there. I asked if he had come home that day and he said no. he said that it has to be mine because nobody else has been in that house but us. i have the key to his house too. but how would it get there? he said it is either mine just because, or it could have been on him (which actually seems to happen a lot, my hair will get into his -- his hair is buzzed) or maybe it was on my towel and just rubbed off on the wall or he says it just could have been there since his ex left. all i can say is that i never noticed it but then again i never noticed the stickers either and i've constantly been proved wrong about these things. so what do you think?
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abortion, at work, broke up, flirt, his ex, I love you, moved in, period, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. I think you should sort out your issues before thinking about dating again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongod, i know. i know you're right. it just sucks that i never thought about it before. and seriously, this was what seemed to me one of the most honest people. obviously not with his ex but with me i thought it was different. i know i'm stupid for thinking that..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): What i mean is, he cheated on his girlfriend to be with you and i'm betting you never thought about her feelings when you were sleeping with her boyfriend. The relationship started with dihonesty and ended with it. What goes around comes around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow is this my karma? :( i know, i should have known but he told me he wouldn't do anything if i didn't hurt him so i thought that if i didn't do anything i would be fine. he told me what i did with my ex didn't bother him and that i hadn't done anything to hurt him so why would he do anything to me... i know i'm stupid...
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): He cheated on his girlfriend with you. That should have told you what kind of guy he was. I think karma is biting you on the ass.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 November 2010):
 How considerate of him to wait to cheat on you. You didn't really know who he was, or you did and just ignored it, living in denial.
My point is it happens...learn from this experience and move on. From now on don't dare date a man that cheats on his girlfriend with you, because he's most likely going to do the same to you. There are respectable guys out there, it's just that you have to stop going after the jerk, they're the ones who will treat you like crap. Go after a guy who is single, sweet, and will treat you like a princess. Change your dating pattern.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe were happy. he made me dinner every night. we went to LA and had fun drinking at my place. we went to parties together, i met his family. we were exactly the same in our humor. we got each other. i've never been so happy in a relationship before but i guess it's because i didn't know what was really going on. i know i was stupid for starting like that in the first place. i just hate that i feel like it's my fault because the reason he said he cheated on me was because i told him i went to my ex boyfriend's house and he gave me a massage and took off my shirt. i told him though because i wanted to start off honestly and not hide shit from each other. i know it was stupid of me but really he didn't have to take it that far. especially because he waited almost a month and a half to cheat on me...
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (9 November 2010):
Well OP I'm sorry to hear that..but what do you expect from a guy who cheated on his gf with you..then proceeds to have a relationship with you starting off with NO TRUST. Why did you get in a relationship with someone you couldn't trust at all? Have to have trust in order for a relationship to work, case and point. You drove yourself mad looking for hard evidence, and he finally cracks under your interrogation. I guess it's what you needed for him to actually tell you what you suspected all along. He said you guys were happy? How the hell were you happy? I see a cheating, liar..what you should have avoided from the get go. But hey sometimes you have to take the rocky road in order to learn a valuable lessons. If the warning signs are there don't avoid them next time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso after 5 days of drilling him to no end he admitted to cheating on me with his ex who he was still living with at the time. He cheated on me when i left to go see my parents. this was 3 months ago. he has REPEATEDLY said that he hasn't done anything and that he "doesn't deserve the disrespect that i was giving him and that he doesn't deserve to be treated this way" because he "hasn't done shit to me". he said that he wasn't a piece of shit like all my exs had been and that he got in this relationship to "save" me. he wanted to be the one person that didn't do anything to hurt me. also, he kept repeating, "the one time that i actually haven't done anything you don't believe me". and it came to this. he told me last night that he was still sleeping with his ex after he said i love you to me. then when i kept pushing and saying that i knew he still had more to tell me he told me that they kissed before he came to visit me in san francisco when i was with family. and then finally when i said that i knew he still had more he told me that they had sex twice when we were together. and all this time, for 5 months he's been lying to me in my face. i am all cried out, he said he didn't want to tell me because we were so happy and he couldn't find a way to tell me. i don't believe in trust anymore. i knew i had a reason to suspect shit. even if it wasnt about the hair, or the greyhound ticket, it came to this. now i don't know what to do with myself....
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 November 2010):
Not to be harsh but did it ever occur to you he's not cheating? That this paranoia has taken you completely over and you are imagining shit? You have this constant fear that he's cheating so you're playing CSI combing thru his carpet with a fine tooth comb. Stop it, you need to break off this relationship and seek counseling for this anxiety. It's not normal...You've lost your marbles.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, it's been almost three weeks and I'm still freaking out about this. Also, yesterday I was on the phone with him and he had the day off and I could have sworn that I heard someone else on his end of the phone. He said nobody was there but I thought I heard something. The last 4 days I have straight out said that I felt like he was cheating on me. That I feel it in my gut. I have never in my life seen my boyfriend cry the way he has been for this whole weekend. He is a wreck. This morning he woke up and actually jumped on me crying saying that he didn't do anything. Last night I said I just couldn't deal with it anymore, I can't take the stress that I'm putting myself through. I told him that I couldn't be in this relationship anymore and the only way to repair it or at least still give us a chance is to tell me the truth, to tell me that he cheated on me and we could talk shit out. But even then, even after giving him the chance to tell me he still says he didn't do anything. I've told him that we would still be ok if he would just tell me and we could talk about it, that way he wouldn't have it on his conscience and we could move on and just work it out but he still says nothing has happened. His brother came to visit over the weekend and him and his wife are happily married but they were telling me that he cheated on her and she gave him the chance before they got married to tell her if he did anything. He said no because he was scared that she would say no if he asked her to marry him. He told her two years later what happened. This is my biggest fear. I always tell my boyfriend that if he wants to marry me he can only ask me if he hasn't done anything but after talking to his brother I freaked out like 100X more than I already was. I could prove the other craziness wrong like greyhound, the stickers, the phone numbers and everything else but since I can't prove where that hair came from I can't get over this. What do I do???
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 October 2010):
I take a shower and lay down..especially if I'm dreading work, and want to pull back the covers go back to sleep.
Look, this obsessive, paranoia behavior is going to come to an end one day when he breaks up with you. I'm very surprised he's putting up with it as long as has..most guys would have dumped your ass at the Greyhound incident. If you can't trust this guy then why are you in a relationship with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok but then why did the pillow smell like shampoo if neither one of us had taken a shower that morning and I dont wash my hair at his place. He usually takes morning showers and then leaves straight away to work. I mean, he usually doesn't just take a shower and lay back down...
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 October 2010):
Really OP? Women shed 50 to 100 hair follicles a day. And we all know hair gets everywhere, on your boyfriend, on his bed, in the bathroom..so could that hair gain some wind by your boyfriend walking to the shower? Hell yes. Stop being paranoid, or he will dump you soon. Do you want that to happen?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut i never wash my hair in that shower! i put it up in a ponytail or a bun before i go in and i wash my body. how would that strand of hair get there then?
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (27 October 2010):
 I think you're driving yourself (and your boyfriend) crazy with these suspicions. Lighten up, or to all your future ex-boyfriends you'll be known as the 'bunny boiler'!
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 October 2010):
A little psycho? A lotta psycho!
In the beginning of your post, it was a red flag he cheated on his girlfriend with you (you were retaliation sex), and telling you he loves you after 2 weeks (you know very well that loves takes time to blossom)..He could very well be telling the truth, he only cheats to get revenge. But that's not a great quality to have, he's just as bad as his now ex girlfriend. What's the point in cheating on her out of spite if she doesn't even know?
What exactly are you trying to prove by being overly observant, dragging him to the greyhound station, digging through his trash, and analyzing a hair follicle? That he's cheating on you? Every piece of evidence you think you have, your theory gets disproved. I'm very surprised he's still with you..you think he would have dropped you after the Greyhound incident. This tells me he's not cheating on you, because if he is he would have already dumped you out of the fear of being caught. So stop playing detective before you lose your boyfriend...You're letting your relationship history get the best of you. Or break up with him because it's clear that you don't trust him, not one bit. You have to have trust in order for this relationship to survive.
You need to work on giving guys trust..only until they give you a reason not to trust them is when you question them. I understand you have been cheated on the past, who hasn't these days? But not every guy is out there to cheat on you, there are actually guys out there who won't..you just have to use your best judgement. This dumpster diving, hanging out every day nonstop, combing through their apartments, smelling their pillows to make sure your scent is on them isn't going to fly with any future boyfriends. They won't be as kind and put up with that paranoid behavior..If you continue as your, you will be one lonely girl.
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reader, snooperella +, writes (27 October 2010):
Coming from someone who is currently suspectful of cheating, you may be pushing him away with all of your suspicions. To look at things like hairs on the wall is obsessive. If he has proven to you that you were wrong more than once why are you still looking for it? Why not enjoy him and trust him while you can. The things you have noticed are because you are inspecting things with a magnifying glass. If you have a gut instinct or have actually seen him acting suspiciously is one thing but doesn't sound like you have much too worry about.
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