A
female
age
36-40,
*momMmady
writes:Okay I have been married for ten years to a military member. Moved around many times and recently moved to California 5 months ago. I am a stay at home mom for my autistic daughter and have had a hard time finding work due to limited schedule. My husband has gained a new female friend from work who he says are "just friends". After being married for ten years you know who your husband likes and doesn't like. Well I know he likes her and he says that he is not her type so she doesn't like him that way just as a friend. But it makes it hard for me to believe because he has gone out with her (just the two of them) to clubs and happy hour bars, etc... And few days ago I found an email confirmation for a pair of tickets to EDC in Las Vegas. He had mentioned a few months ago that he wanted us to go. Well last week he said he only bought one ticket for himself. So I asked him about the ticket cause I just felt like he bought two one for him and his coworker, well he got mad at me and said it was a Christmas present for me and I ruined the surprise and what not. This morning I read his text messages(yes I snooped through his phone) and I was right, he bought them for him and her. She basically got mad cause he told her he gave her ticket to me and that he would buy a third ticket so we can all go together. What should I do here? Is there something going on between them? Should I confront him even though he tries to back fire it in my face? Or am I being paranoid and crazy wife? Any advice would help. Thanks.
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am I being paranoid, christmas, co-worker, military, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2014):
 I agree with 'hold your friends close and your enemies closer"
as much as it may raise the bile in your throat Make this woman your BEST friend if you can. Make sure she sees you and hubby together and knows that the family unit is intact.
And yes his reaction is over the top which to me also indicates he's hiding feelings if not actions.
You caught it probably early enough to nip it in the bud or force his hand.
KEEP calm Keep classy.
DO NOT yell or react. BE very proactive.
BE kind to both of them but WATCH him, he's up to something.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): You must be joking??? Of course heis cheating on you. Go together w/ her to Las Vegas? How crazy is it? Is he crazy? Totally? Going to clubs w/ woman where everyone drink and do who knows what??
He doesn't act like a family man, period. He acts like he wants to be out there w/ other women instead of giving you a break and take you out. I am sorry but you are letting him to get away with a lot of things. That's not right!. You as his wife can demand not request much more thatn you do.
You need to stand up for yourself and stop this nonsense!!
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (13 December 2014):
I'm sorry to say this but you already know and don't want to say it yourself. He is cheating on you with his co worker. You are turning a blind eye to it.
You need to make a decision that this is ok that he is doing this or tell him he needs to make a decision.
You are the one that has to be happy with your decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2014):
 I so agree with Auntie Bim Bim
Invite her over, "kill" her with kindness. It will put them BOTH on notice. But it will also be a REMINDER to this woman that he ACTUALLY HAS a wife and kid.
AND I do think there is something going on. YOU do NOT go to VEGAS with a female co-worker. The Army is not very strict on fraternization these days, but... this doesn't sound like a typical work-friendship. Don't confront him again right now. YOU know what he is doing is shady.
The whole EDC thing, is that something you SHARE with your husband or is it not really your cup of tea?
And yes, I would NOT stay home while the 2 of them bugger off to Vegas.
Take the advice and put money aside. Contact ACS and see if you can get some daycare help so you can get back to work, because if you keep staying home it will be a LOT harder IF you at some point will have to be on your own. Is your daughter registered as a EFMP (http://efmp.amedd.army.mil/) if not consider getting her screening done. It CAN provide you with additional help.
There is also http://www.militaryonesource.mil/efmp
Now if this stuff KEEPS going on, you can contact:
http://www.militaryonesource.mil/
And find legal help.
And I would ALSO consider going OVER your husband head in his chain of command (not yet though give the two of them some rope to hang themselves).
Not all commands actually give a fart about how military members treat their wives or if they cheat (and IMHO it's NOT the military's JOB to monitor the morals of their soldiers) but SOME DO care.
JUST be aware if you DO decide enough is enough, I'm leaving, that you MAKE sure you have contact info for his ENTIRE chain of command. Because there have been MANY cases where soldiers have NOT helped their spouses out financially until the divorce is final. Some units WILL help out a spouse, some don't.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 December 2014):
 He's CHEATING, CHEATING, CHEATING on you - with this girl. HOW MUCH MORE confirmation do you need to "see" in order to convince you?????
YOUR decision is to decide how/when/where you will make the split with him.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 December 2014):
 Listen to your gut here, the fact he messaged her about the tickets and she got mad sure says a lot.
Don't try and confront him yet. Maybe nothing has happened between them but her reaction to the tickets was way out of line ........
Confrontation is not needed, he is aware that you are suspicious and that should give him fair warning to make sure nothing is happening. Continue to snoop and ask questions, if he gets mad put on your innocent face and ask him why he is getting angry over questions that should have simple answers.
Invite his friend to dinner a few times, paste on the smile, make sure she is fully aware that your husband has responsibilities. Be friendly, ask questions about HER family, tell her how lovely it would be to meet them :)
Hold your friends close and your enemies closer, hold her really close.
In the meantime it is time for you to take stock. Put away some cash that he doesn't know about, make sure he cannot clean out bank accounts, get your ducks all in a row and make sure you and your daughter will be safe and sound and able to live a decent life no matter what happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): I think you need to try your hardest to address him withit emotion getting in the way. Perhaps say you know there is more going on, whether he's "with" her or not yet what he is doing is taken her out and treating her as he should actually be treating you.
Sometimes you have to go with that gut instinct, the way you have described things I would be certain he was wanting more or getting more from her than friendship and I would ask him to leave to decide what's more important. But you have lots to consider and everyone is different but don't ignore the evidence you found xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 December 2014):
 I think something is going on because getting mad is a way to control you and to stop you from questioning him. So what a surprise is busted? He could have just smiled with you and give you another surprise. You should not let that go even if his plan with her was foiled because he has the desire to be alone with her. He will just learn to be more discreet about it.
She was mad too. That means her friendship with him meant more than the surface. I wonder if she's mad because she had planned to go to Vegas and now she has to cancel or because she felt like she was lied to, and was treated like an idiot. Or both.
Before you confront with him, you have to think about your future. You have to decide whether it is better to stay in a loveless marriage while being financially supported or you want to start a new life or possibly a career too and be single.
I feel you have enough justification to suspect him. The most obvious of all is that when he has free time he chooses to spend it with her, instead of you.
When I read back on the timeline about the tickets, I feel he was lying. If he had mentioned about it before it wouldn't be a surprise Christmas present. It made perfect sense for you to ask about the other ticket. Maybe he forget he mentioned it to you. Maybe he meant to mention it to his coworker but also told you about it. Maybe he felt arranging child care for your daughter is a hassle so he chose his coworker. At the end his reaction to your question was inappropriate and he did not show you how he wanted to spend Christmas with the family instead.
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