A
female
age
36-40,
*lr85
writes:I started hanging out with a guy I know. I love spending time with him. I would love very much to be in a relationship with him. I thought that was the way he was headed too. After hanging out for a while we slept together. We text every day (or at least every other day.. I try to make sure he initiates so I don't seem needy) We hang out once or twice a week. The thing is.. He never initiates hanging out. I always do. He always hints around to figure out what my plans are but he'll never ask me if I want to hang out. I have to ask him. After I ask him, he comes over. I'm worried that he's letting me take the lead so that he doesn't have to feel guilty or responsible for having sex without being committed. When we sleep together, he's sweet and concerned about me. Whenever we go anywhere, he holds the door for me, kisses me on the head, holds my hand, laughs at my jokes, stands close to me etc. The other night, I feel like I really messed things up. I think he's attracted to how independent I am. After he left we texted for a while and I told him "I kinda miss ya already." It was a clutzy move but he didn't respond.. We've still talked this week but we haven't hung out and our conversation has been limited. Did I mess up? Does he like me the way I like him? He definitely doesn't use endearing terms or make me feel overly confident in his feelings for me. Am I a friend with benefits or are we just moving slowly. His mouth is clamped shut. He does not discuss feelings openly.
View related questions:
friend with benefits, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 January 2011):
Even after all the disappointment, you must feel at least a little smidge better. You're not guessing how he feels and you're not wondering if you're not showing enough interest and that he's just not getting it. It's out there in the open: he knows how you feel and you know how he feels. So in a way, it'll make it easier to move on.
Don't feel needy or clingy. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn't mean that you are; you just want something different than he does, and that's okay! If anything, it's the more mature thing to be out in the open, especially after seeing him for some time, and not have to waste his time or your time.
He does probably feel bad. I doubt he's completely cold and heartless. He's avoiding you probably because he's a typical guy and has trouble handling emotions and confrontation. Don't take it personally, it's his problem not yours. But obviously, it makes it look like he doens't give a crap about your feelings and is giving you the cold shoulder, but it's probably because he doesn't know how to make you feel better so he just runs away. Not very mature of him and pretty jerk off-ish.
It's okay to still like him, you won't be over him overnight. I would delete him from your friends on Facebook and just back off for a while. He may come around again, but don't expect anything. It's best to start dating other people ASAP!
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (18 January 2011):
so sorry it turned out the way it did.
You did nothing wrong. You were NOT needy or clingy or co-dependent so don't feel like you have to play games with him. You have to let your feelings be known at least a little bit, in order to gauge if there is potential for a relationship to develop. So you did that, and you got the information you needed which is that no there is no potential here at least not right now. and it's not because of you, it's because he has unresolved issues.
If you had continued to keep your feelings hidden, it wouldn't change this fact, instead you would be wasting more time in ambiguity. At least now you know the full facts so you can stop wasting time on him and start the process of moving on.
If you can't continue as friends (which is normal to feel that way) then just cut off contact, and un-friend him on facebook. it will hurt, but over time it will get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (18 January 2011):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I talked with him about it :( over the phone no less. He basically told me that he doesn't want a relationship and he said his last girlfriend messed him up. He's really independent and just wanted to be friends and then we both let it escalate into more. He said he thought maybe we could be more serious which is why he didn't stop it but that it started to feel wrong last week. I started to sniffle a little bit and I told him that I just don't have the heart to keep going knowing that it wouldn't be anything more. He did apologize.
AND THEN.. he said his mom was on the other line and he had to answer because she never calls and he said he would call me right back. An hour later, he texted saying he was still on the phone with her and he would call in a bit.. and lo and behold he never called me. My friend says he probably couldn't handle hearing me cry or he felt guilty.
I texted him a few days later just saying that I was disappointed and he said "Why?? What happened??" (was this just an act or do I really mean so little to him that he forgot our whole conversation) I said "Well, I didn't really get any closure the other night. What now?" and he said "I'm at work and it's pretty busy here. I'll text you later ok?" and I just said "Don't worry about it. Take care, you"
And that basically sums up my feelings. Disappointed. We worked so well together but like always, I let myself like him out loud. I will never understand why I have to play this game with an adult. I'm not needy and co-dependent so why do I have to pretend that I like him less than I really do. He is a grown-ass man.
Unfortunately, we are facebook friends and every time I log in, his status pops up on my screen and it kills me. I'm continuing life as normal. I can't help but hope he'll text me or message me apologizing my expectations are slim.
Do men feel bad when they let us down? Does he feel any guilt at all? Does he think about me?
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 January 2011):
This is what I did...given one drunken night I texted him (after another boring date with someone else and meeting up with friends) telling him that I liked him. His lame response the next day was, "Hey I got your message." I freaked out, felt like a complete dumbass, and didn't respond to him for a week.
Anyway, once I did respond and told him that I did freak out a little I saw him later that week...at his place of course (because I was in the same position as you and he acted very similar as your guy). When he started getting touchy-feely and kissing I stopped it and told him something along the lines of, "Given that I've told you I'm interested in you and I still don't know how you feel, I really don't think we should sleep together." He was cool about it and even opened up to me. Was it in my favor? No, he "likes" me back but isn't in the right place for a relationship, according to him. But I spent the night anyway and didn't have sex with him. He continued to call me regularly but still no initiating getting together or anything.
In my case, it didn't really change anything. We still talk and I don't hook up with him anymore. But he knows I like him--I still do, but I don't make contact with him anymore. It's up to him to try. It's out in the open, I'm not guessing if he knows how I feel. So maybe what I told you will give you an idea of how to bring it up (not exactly the same way of course), but definitely bring it up before sleeping with him and don't have sex with him afterward unless he jumps for joy and tells you he's been waiting to tell you all along but was afraid (which is any woman's fantasy).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): well, when you are "together" (if you know what I mean), do either or you show more openness or vulnerability compared to when you're just talking on the phone? If so, why not wait until the next time when you're "together" in that sense and if he's feeling more relaxed and open then you can ask then.
or, you could send him an e-mail and tell him he doesn't need to reply immediately so he can think about it without the pressure of you watching him for a response.
it's funny how sometimes you can get completely different answers depending on how and when you bring up the issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (13 January 2011):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses! He texted me yesterday and we chatted a bit. I (against my better judgement) asked when he was free and he told me not until Sunday night because he has plans friday and saturday night. The fact that he only considers spending time with me on the weekend and at night pretty much solidifies the fact that I'm a bedtime buddy.
I do want to ask him where I stand.. How do I ask? He admires my "coolness" and "independence" so being vulnerable will take away some of my allure, lol.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): maybe he will only want to be in a relationship with you if he knows that you want to be in a relationship with him, if that makes sense.sort of like, maybe he does want a relationship with you but is too shy, insecure or afraid of rejection to initiate because bringing it up would 'rock the boat' if you're not on the same page and then you might run away and he might lose you as a FWB. And thus he's holding back so as to not let himself get too deep emotionally as a way of protecting himself from potential hurt.but if you made the first move to show you're interested in being a relationship then this could show him that it's "safe" for him to open himself to the idea of being in a relationship with you too.I know it sounds complicated, but I had a FWD like that. He was stoic and cool on the outside, but actually it was a mask to hide a deep insecurity and fear of rejection. I did not know this until much longer and after much confusion between the two of us about where we stood with each other. I'm talking, YEARS of playing games with each other. Unfortunately I misunderstood his insecurity and fear of rejection as genuine disinterest in me and thus I cut back on my emotional investment and I began to be more distant and it turned out that it really hurt him. thus it would really surprise me when months later out of the blue his passion would emerge in an over the top way, I thought he no longer felt anything for me. then I would start to warm back to him, but then his insecurity and fear of rejection would take over and he would go back to being aloof. Weeks (sometimes months) of coolness and aloofness followed by a sudden eruption of over-the-top passion, then back to aloofness....It was maddening. I eventually just distanced myself from him, we were technically still FWB but rarely did anything anymore cos I couldn't handle the confusion.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Sounds like FWB to me, and the only way you may be able to change this is if you're able to play it cooler than he is. Ignore him for a while and see what he does. If nothing else, he's going to miss the sex, and he will contact you eventually. Don't initiate anything. Right now he has the upper hand because he assumes (correctly) that you are way into him. So he's able to take you for granted. Once he realizes your interest in him is not a certainty, you will once again be a challenge to him and he will want you that much more... maybe enough to want a more concrete relationship. Try it... right now you have nothing to lose but a fuck buddy ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 January 2011):
mixed signals are always so frustrating aren't they!
As for his silence since your text. Perhaps he does feel uncomfortable because he doesn't know what you're getting at? it could be too soon to tell if you messed up or not. Why not give it more time and see if things go back to normal. then the next time you hang out you can bring it up casually to not make it seem like a big deal (lest it freaks him out), and you don't have to talk for a long time or anything, you can just say you're fine either way being FWB or something but you just want to know where you stand with each other so there's no confusion.
It could also be that he does want a relationship with you, but is lacks confidence to take the first step and might be waiting for you to make a move.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 January 2011):
You're friends with benefits. If he's not initiating getting together, you're right, he wants you to do it so that he doesn't come off like a jerk. Just because you are friends with benefits doesn't mean he has to treat you like garbage, but I can see how his affection toward you is confusing you (I've been there). He doesn't tell you he misses you back, he doesn't ask to see you, and he hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend--it all points to: FWB.
If it goes on long enough and you feel like either way it won't matter; talk to him about it. I'm not sure how long you've been seeing him...but if you're just wasting your time and want a legit answer (and be prepared for rejection) ask him and tell him how you feel.
...............................
|
