A
male
age
36-40,
*uywithquestions
writes:My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with me. We've been in a long distance relationship for almost the entire time, although I've bought plane tickets to visit her several times, and she came to stay with me for 8 weeks over summer where we had an absolutely amazing time. We made each other really happy and I would say we had a good relationship considering. I did so much for her, and she always told me I had saved her from a bad place, I was perfect for her and she couldn't trust anyone else but she felt comfortable around me. Her family and friends adored me too.The distance was sometimes an issue, more for her than for me. A couple of times she came close to wanting a break but we always managed to work things out, and then a few weeks back she actually followed through and split up with me. She said one day we may work things out and she cannot see herself settling down in the long term with anyone but me, but she was too young to commit herself, wants to be single, and can't handle the long distance anymore.I really didn't want to lose this girl, so I gave her the space she wanted, she got upset because she wanted to remain best friends and stay in constant contact with me but I said I needed some time as it wasn't fair on me to carry on talking with her. Two weeks after our break up we were talking again, she seemed to be quite happy, she made what I thought at the time were a few subtle hints about possibly getting back together. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her, she was my entire world, so I spoke to her family and some mutual friends for advice, and decided to perform the ultimate romantic gesture, fly half way around the world and propose to her (if she wasn't prepared to do long distance, that was the only way we could be together anytime soon - living in different countries and both being quite young).I arranged it with her family and turned up on her doorstep on one knee. She rejected me, and was fairly honest with me straight away that she was already seeing someone else. I was shocked, it was exactly a week after we split that they went on their first date. I was visibly upset, and she at first comforted me and played down her new relationship ("just a friend", etc). As the week went on I stumbled across some messages I probably shouldn't have read, and it became apparent they were already more serious than she was letting on to me. They were calling each other 'babe' and she had confided in a friend that she couldn't get him out of her mind. It seems they'd actually started flirting before we broke up. In fact, I don't think it's any coincidence that my ex girlfriend broke up with me on the same day this new guy broke up with his ex girlfriend.As the week went on (I should have booked a shorter vacation had I anticipated any of these events!) I felt her getting more distant from me. At the beginning of the week she had decided we should spend one final "goodbye" week acting as a couple. When I was visibly upset about our relationship coming to an end, she was spending time messaging her new guy rather than comforting me. I couldn't believe after just 2 weeks I was second in her thoughts and feelings to someone else. She was making excuses to go and call her 'Dad' and then I knew she was talking with the new guy.We said goodbye at the airport. I have very strong reasons to believe she broke up with me to get with this new guy, although she absolutely will not admit to it no matter how much I prompt her. In fact she goes out of her way to lie to me rather than admit the truth. She still wants to be friends but I said because of the way she hurt me it's going to be a long time before I'm ready to talk.That was a week ago. We haven't talked since. I have since heard that the new guy she was seeing has gotten 'cold feet' about the relationship and hasn't spoken to her. At the moment I'm hanging out with friends and trying to get her out of my mind. It's very hard, but I'm handling the situation surprisingly well. At first I was very upset but after realizing how she got with someone else so fast, and all the lying, I am just angry at being duped by someone that I was so close to, that I loved. It almost feels as though the person I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.That said, I don't know what I would do if she contacted me again - if she does of course. I'd like to think I had the strength to confront her about everything and tell her to get out of my life because she's lost me for good. Secretly though I miss her like crazy.Does anyone have any experience/advice of similar situations? How long should I wait for to contact my ex - should I ever contact her? Secretly I want her to come back to me some day. I don't know if I stand a better chance of that happening if I contact her after a month, a year, or never? Perhaps I should wait for her to initiate contact? What do you guys think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, guywithquestions +, writes (1 November 2011):
guywithquestions is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both very much. I am trying to move on, and get her out of my mind. I think I'm still in shock that our relationship went from being so good (she would text me constantly and it was always "I love you" non-stop) to ending in disaster. She was a very difficult person to be in a relationship with (her mum warned me of this when we started dating) but I was nothing but a loving boyfriend. I think I miss the relationship we spared together, it's incredibly difficult to go from having someone there for you - even if not physically - to being alone. I'm trying to put some meaning back in my life, as she really was everything I was looking for, and now I need to start over. Thanks again for your advice I'll follow it through.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 OUCH what a romantic gesture you made... LDRS suck...
I agree with KC... move on... do not contact her.
I have to tell you at least she broke up with you before she hooked up with this other guy... she could have just faded away. You have your closure.
Move on. do not give her the time of day.
it will take a while... be kind to yourself.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 November 2011):
 NEVER contact her ever again. Simple as that. This girl lied to you, dumped you for another man, strings you along knowing full well how you feel about her, rejects your proposal and yet wants to be 'friends' so she can keep you on the sidelines just in case she gets bored of new man and needs someone to pick up the pieces.
She has well and truly walked all over you, you have been a doormat for way too long - now is the time to be a man and cut her out of your life once and for all.
Yes you are still in the phase that you secretly would like her to come crawling back, but ask yourself this - do you want another man's seconds? She chose him over you, could you really take her back knowing you were second best to someone else? You would never be able to be happy with her again because you would constantly be afraid that she would leave you again for someone else. Which would be a very strong possiblity - she doesnt have strong enough feelings for you to stop her looking elsewhere, so if it happened once it will happen again.
I promise you this - you can do a lot better than her, and you deserve better. You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them - dont you want to meet a girl who would fly half way around the world for you? Your ex is not that girl, your ex is a girl that would leave you for another man and reject your proposal, she isnt the one for you I'm afraid.
I know it is hard to accept when you love her so much, but you have a one-sided relationship where you feel a lot stronger for her than she does for you. This is not a good recipe for the future, the relationship will simply never work. Relationships are a two way street, and all you have is a one-way road.
So what do you do next? Ring up your mobile phone operator and block her ever contacting you again. Delete her number from your phone, delete her from Facebook, delete her email....any possible way of contacting her - delete it.
She is simply not good enough for you, she has treated you like crap and you cant allow yourself to continue treating you so badly. Dont be a doormat anymore, be a man and realise that you can do so much better - she is your past now, start looking to the future when you will meet an amazing girl who will love you as much as you love her.
You have to move on now, no more hoping she will come back, because you cant ever take her back after what she has done to you. Cut her out of your life once and for all, and then with no way of contacting her you will finally start the painful process of moving on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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