A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I seem to have developed an irrational second best feeling to my boyfriends ex. They were together several years and had a little boy together, he obviously sees her for contact with his little boy/ to pay maintanance, but I often find him doing things for her above and beyond that call of duty, pulling her out of holes and stuff. Although I don't mind this. I feel he should maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of his son and I know after being together for several years there is still that feeling of association with an ex, not love or anything close, just a sense of worry for them. I'm not normally irrational but increasingly on the subject everytime he says he is doing something for her I feel myself tense, particulary recently he was suppose to be seeing me and let me down for the sake of something daft she wanted him to accompany her for. I don't like feeling like this and I don't WANT to resent her or have any bad feelings towards her or him for their relationship as like I said I WANT him to maintain a good relationship with her, I see a future in our relationship and would like to be able to at minimum get on with her. But I keep finding myself resenting both him and her for how much he does for her. I feel almost second best. I know this is very likely not the case and would like to get out of this mind set but dont know where to start. I have tried explaining to my boyfriend how I feel but I can't seem to sum it up very well in a way he understands that theres nothing he can really do its my issue. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi in response she is not single, it took him forever to move on from her, we originally started a relationship 4 years ago but couldnt work it out because he was in love with her still, he has since moved on. She is engaged and has another child.
A
male
reader, peteruk +, writes (27 March 2008):
Hi
You are not being irrational you are being human and you are being vulnerable.
He's probably seemingly doing more for her because he's got guilt issues over the fact that he and his child's mother are apart and he's worried how the child will feel about this. He probably feels bad that he's moved on, especially if she's still single and he may be trying to show her that he is appreciative of what she does in raising the child. Like most men he probably can't verbalise this. You can't say how you feel because you know you are probably being unfair, how do I know? Done the same myself. You feel neglected, you feel second best, you feel like you shouldn't be with him, perhpas you feel guilty for keeping him a way from her even though they are long since split up?
Write a list of what frustrates you and then write a list of what he does that is wonderful for you. Then look at that first list and break it down, see how wonderful he is to show care to his child's mother, see how he's a man of honour, and see how that will benefit you as you move forward together. Don't push him a way, unless of course you don't want him.
May God be with you.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (27 March 2008):
 I don't think that you are necessarily 2nd best. The thing to remember always is that he had a life before he met you. And you are a reasonable person you don't want him to have a bad relationship with the mother of his child. This woman may be trying to get his attention on purpose... calling him out for daft things! Stand your ground. Talk to him and tell him that you may need a little more reassurance of his love for you till you get the feelings of insecurity out of your mind. Don't let his past ruin your future together. If it was all good I am sure that they would still be together.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 He comes with a baggage and if you get tired of carrying for
him ,you only need to let go and find a clean one with no
strings attached.
You will always be a 2nd class person.
Your glass can never be full but only half full.
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