A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay; I'll try to keep a long story short. I have a friend who I've known for about a year and a half who I'll refer to as M; we'd speak every single day, talking for hours on end. We'd talk about really deep things as well as just genuinely enjoying each other's company. She is a person who I have never felt so at ease with before. Now, the third person in this friendship is her gf who I'll refer to as F, a person M has been involved with for roughly three years. I know F too, but I don't get on with her as well and we rarely speak. F is sometimes very callous and verbally abusive to M sometimes, and when she knows she has gone too far, she is as sweet as pie to M and all is forgotten until F is horrible once more. Their relationship has been like this for years and this continous circle drives me up the wall as M is very dear to me.About a week ago, things came to a standstill. F had been especially horrid, and I said to M that she was worth ten of F and could do so much better, etc. They broke up, had a furious row, then about an hour later F sent me a nasty message and so on. In this message, F said that, according to M, I had been pestering M to get the two to break up, even though M agreed with me at the time that she was fed up of the continuous circle. Within the next hour, they had gotten back together, and have now completely excluded me. Neither have spoken to me once and my stubborness is getting the better of me; I refuse to speak to them first, either.But since that week it's coming to the point that I am missing M terribly, yet I have no idea if/how I should speak with her again. I'm starting to question myself; was I in the wrong? If so, I certainly didn't mean to be. I had her best interests at heart.Advice etc would be appreciated, as I really do not want to lose M from my life. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Well, it was wrong that you interfered in their relationship.A friendship is different than a love affair. You have to keep your distance.Would you like it if M was your girlfriend and F did what you did?They are probably thinking that YOU are the third person in their relationship hence, they wanna stay away.Its okay.You can talk to M and tell her that you are sorry and you were just worried for her and that you'll not interfere between them again.Because they broke up because you "encouraged" her.Well if they wanted to break up, they would have long time back. Maybe its that phase in their relationship.Let M realize it herself.For now, appologize to M and try to be in good terms with F. Not so good, just slowly.Say good about F to her sometimes and say that you were wrong about it.Because honestly, she wants F.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 M obviously wasn't ready to leave F yet. She probably figures that you, being a more reasonable person, can be reconciled with later. For now being against you brings her closer to F. They're both united against a common foe.
M wasn't confident enough to express her own anger with F and so hid behind yours. She wanted F to treat her better without incurring F's wrath in the process.
In a situation like this it is best to be supportive without getting involved. It is not unheard of for people worn down by abuse to lash out at those trying to help them. There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that the 'abused' already thinks much of their personal power has been torn from them (by the abuser) and well intentioned friends seem to be trying to tear away what little they have left. The other is that those helpful friends are much safer outlets for pent up anger than is the abuser.
This relationship is toxic, but it is up to M take action to change it.
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