A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i'm in a bit of a dilema, about 4yrs ago i met this guy (A)...he was married going through a divorce and i was in a very unhealthy relationship with guy (B). guy(A) and i became friends working together and he was like a shoulder to lean on....one night my bf,guy(B) and i got into a huge fight and temporary separated which drove me into the arms of guy (A)...it wasn't planned..it just happened, i thought it would be awkward at first because we work together, but actually we never mentioned it..as if it didn't happen, i figured i just needed to feel loved and he provided, and i guess he got what he wanted out the deal. i eventually went back to my bf guy(B), and confessed about the affair which he forgave me for. anyway guy (A) left town and i have not seen or heard from him in a year...in that time me and my bf guy (b) had a baby and still ongoing problems (mainly he has a really bad temper and can be very disrespectful at times) but after a year guy (A) comes back into town, locates me and says he needs to speak with me..so i agree to meet him, as we talk he tells me he never forgot about me and could not stop thinking about me and wants nothing more than to be with me..he said i deserve better and he wants to be the one to give me better...i was speechless, at this time guy B and i were broken up again..so i decided to give guy A a shot..and things were great except the fact he lived 6hrs away from me, but we spoke on the phone everyday and saw each other when we could..that newyears he confessed he loved me..about a month later he told me he got an apartment already paid for and wants me and my kids to move where he was and if i would marry him..(i never answered) instead i changed my phone #,email address, and moved away without explanation...i also went back to guy B. for the sake of our child....i figured after a stunt like that guy A. probably hates me,but 2 yrs go by and guy A. locates me and of course demands an explanation. i do tell him the truth which i was afraid and i thought things were moving too fast...i didn't think he was ready for all i had going on...to my surprise he understood, said he never stopped loving me and asked if we can pick up where we left off...the problem is ...i don't know what to do...i did love him and still do, but i am still with my bf guy B. (very unhappily) plus this guy A is 7 yrs younger than me, which i did not know at first..i have 3 kids total..he has none ..i just dont know what to do!(by the way he's 22, i'm 29)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni kind of agree to both responses, but let me clarify a few things so u all understand my reason of thoughts...my bf , guy B. and i only have one child 2gether. (the last child) we have been 2gether 5yrs total now, and as for a safety net..um i don't think so!..see 90% of our relationship, i have worked and covered about 90% of the bills...i've even at times worked 2 jobs just to aford my bills and be able to still have money left over, which keeps me from spending time with my kids...the only time i did not work was when i was pregnant, because i couldn't...but i was still bringing money in from unemployment...he did work throughout my pregnancy (i'll give him that much) which he was layed off shortly after the birth, which forced me to rush back to work when the baby was 6 weeks...now i am very understanding and sometimes i know it can be very difficult to find a job, and i dont care about the money...if he was still working ,i would still work because i am very independent..i like to say everything i have..i know it's mine because i worked for it....but my unhappiness comes from the fact that even though i enjoy working i don't enjoy working as hard..and missing time from my children..and it does not seem he puts enough effort to find work..especially when he see's how bad i am struggling....then he is very insecure...he does not like me to visit friends or family..so i spend my free time at home(all the time...even if i want to take the kids to visit my mom ...he"ll get an attitude..now i wold be fine with carrying him until he gets on his feet if i had some support and help from him...for example ..he does not cook (AT ALL!) my free time is on my days off (1 day a week) which i spend cooking, cleaning ,and doing laundry, and washing the girls hair...etc!..i would just like some appreciation..you know flowers just because...i mean i know he loves me dearly...and he would give his life for me in a heart beat...but i think i took all i can take..for all i do he got nerve to be so demanding of me in every way...if he changed his way towards me i would consider staying because i do love him very much...but like i said ..it's been 5 yrs...as for guy A...yes he's young and childless, but he has a career in the military and a college degree...and really wants a future with me, i mean after all this time, i love him for the fact he has not given up on me..and always been good to me, and he does accept my kids..thats got to mean something right...the only issue with him is..i did not plan on having anymore kids and if we be together, he wants me to give him at least one...i just don't know!
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 May 2010):
 It sounds like you have more than one problem here so I think you should look at them individually. First, forget this other guy for right now (guy A). Forget him, his age, etc. Focus on your boyfriend (guy B). You say you are unhappy with him, you say he has a temper, etc, so why are you still with him? Because of your kids? 9 times out of 10, women in your position will ALWAYS stay in their unhappy relationship. Children may be an excuse, but it shouldn't be. The fact is you've kept going back to him and kept having children, which means most likely you will continue to stay with him no matter what. Even though you are "unhappy" you are also comfortable. He's somebody you will always run back to no matter what. He's a safety net.
You have to decide how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend. You either love him, or you don't. Don't consider leaving him only if you have another safety net with this other guy. It sounds like he loves you and is willing to do a lot for you. Forget whether or not the age difference is too great. You and your current boyfriend are most likely closer in age... and how's that working out for you? You owe it to guy A to be honest with yourself. If you have absolutely no intention of leaving your boyfriend, then don't string him along. Guy A keeps showing he's understanding and keeps coming back.
Choice 1: The easier choice... stay with your boyfriend and repeat the same cycle for the rest of your life. You already know what you are going to get because you've been living it for years.
Choice 2: The harder choice... take a chance with Guy A. You shouldn't just jump back into a serious relationship with marriage, but you leave your unhappy relationship with your boyfriend and start fresh with this other guy in your life. Start off slow with him and see if it turns into anything good.
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A
male
reader, tdh_immortal  +, writes (21 May 2010):
GUY a is having his adrenaline in full flow.after when u turn 45 and he would still be needing ,a happy sexual life would be bit difficult.u'd be on emotional side of things and he d b more on physical side.Children of A wont b so much acceptable as to BAppears on first sight that B does not keep u happy so y to waste life with him.If u think this way ure thinking normal dont worry.However do also give it a thought that uve always taken it this way" B is short tempered and short temper is something i dont like".Its natural.there is a more optimistic side of things however.Now develop ur thought process this way that"B is my man.See him with the feeling MY MAN IS WALKING ,MY MAN IS NUDE,MY MAN IS ANGRY ,MY MANIS HE." Always have admiration in ur eyes for him.Short temper is just a different shade type of emotion.Enjoy it as if ure having a tasty food and checking the sour side of it.sour is only sour.sour is not sweet.sour is not bad.but sour is needed in food to make it delicious.Not all food is that way.some are.and in ur dish u have all the tastes plus sour.Find root cause of short temper.what most times make him go angry.maybe hes needing a bit attention,a bit caress a bit space a bit malnutrioned/hungry.....find the root cause.ull have to reason it out a bit and on the first stance it might not go right.dont worry.let it take its time.Finally life is good.Dont struggle with it.Live all its shades.so that in the end u may say i have "enjoyed" living on earth.Ur man is ur man no matter how he is.For A,send him a clear message that he is good somewhat preferrably better.but he is not father of ur child and u do not intend him to be.it was a attraction and forever it will be.find better pasteaures.let me know how was it.
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