A
female
age
36-40,
*atC
writes:Hi, I am 21 years old and think I may be in an unhealthy relationship.I have been with my partner for five years and love him to bits, in the time I have been with him both my parents have passed away and so as you can imagine I am very attached to him. However from day one he has been extremely controlling, when I met him I was 15 and by 16 my home problems had esculated to the point where I was practically homeless, I therefore moved in with him, he offered me protection love etc. He was also gave a lot of discipline (not violently) and I found this to be comforting at first but now I feel extremely trapped.To give examples when we have friends round he belittles me by explaining how I cannot load the dishwasher correctly or how wear too much makeup or I wear the wrong clothes - pretty much anything and he won't let it drop. If I have been shopping he will ask me if I saw anyone I knew or if any men spoke to me - which would not be likely as I do not know anyone since meeting him.The other day we had had a row and he told me to stay round my friends so I did, the next thing I know he turned up there, she lives 15 miles away and he cycled all the way to tell me I had go home or the relationship was over.I have tried leaving before but I am so scared for him and myself, I feel like an emotional wreck and I cannot continue like this but don't know what to do.Please help me !!!!Thanks
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (11 February 2007):
Well, if he loved you. He wouldnt belittle you in such a way. He sees really nasty. Yes this is unhealthy. He has no respect for you. You need to stand up to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): Hi Kat, you are very young and you got involved with this guy at a very very young age and during a vulnerable period in your life.
I think now that you are a legal adult, you are probably starting to change into an independent young woman. I gather this from the tone of your questions here. This is very good news for you, it is wondeful that you are beginning to come into your own and to feel that you are emotionally independent in spite of the trials that you have endured in your past. Your boyfriend senses this about you as well. What is troubling is that he does not like the changes in you and he is trying to control you by demeaning you and threatening you with abandonment.
I don't know if you can do anything to change where he is at mentally and emotionally right now. I think that you could try to talk to him and tell him what you want and what you expect out of this realtionship, but you may not get through to him. You may have simply outgrown this relationship and there is no where for it to go, and that happens, it is not your fault. My suggestion to you is to go with your gut, you feel the realtionship is unhealthy for you, so it is, you need to just tell him you need to break up. Be your own person and find the strength of character to go on and live your own life. You have been through a lot and you deserve to be happy and achieve your own goals.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 When he cycled 15 miles to tell you to come home or the relationship was over was an opportunity missed by you to lose this guy. He may think that he owns you, but he doesn't. You need to get out of his controlling grip and learn to live on your own. Move in with friends and try to become self-sufficient. I don't know if you work or go to school. Can you support yourself financially now?
Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 February 2007):
 Hi Kat,
I think you've both gotten into a rut. He probably felt very responsible for you in the beginning and I'm sure he's very fond of you and is even treating you like a sort of surrogate dad. (How old is he anyway?)
You're a fully grown woman now. You need to have a talk with him! Sit down with him and tell him your concerns. Tell him you don't like him belittling you in front of friends and you'd appreciate it if next time, he said nothing. Let him know, although he's your partner, you do have a mind of your own and you can make your own decision from time to time. Now if he loves you, he'll listen to your concerns and respect them and try harder. However, he does seem a bit possessive and that could be a bad thing.
Have a talk with him first and foremost and see how it goes. If he doesn't lighten up a bit tell him it might be a good idea if you look for somewhere else to live so you can have some space. See what reaction you get from that. He may calm down a lot if he thinks he's going to lose you but you'll never know if you don't try.
You really DO need to talk to him though and I suggest you do this as soon as you can. Let me know how it goes.
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): Hi There,
It's really hard to make sense of something when you're living through it, but from the outside it seems clear that you should leave this man as soon as you can.
It looks from what you've said that a pattern of contolling behaviour on his part has become established which sounds very unhealthy indeed.
You are bound to be a different girl now than the one you were when you began your relationship with him at 16 years old and a loving, caring partner would relish that growth.
You shouldn't be afraid and shouldn't be told what to do or made to feel uncomfortable and belittled in your own home.
My advice would be to make arrangement as soon as you can to stay with a friend and start building a life without him.
It may seen like a huge undertaking right now, but in a years time you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
I wish you lots of luck and hope that you are free of this controlling man very soon. xxx
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (11 February 2007):
 You don't need to be in a relationship where you're constantly being downtrodden. I know you feel you owe him after he's been there for you when your parents passed away etc but you don't owe anything to a man who wants to control you. Don't allow him to keep doing this to you. Finish it. You deserve someone better.
CD
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