A
female
age
41-50,
*weett
writes:I have been seeing a man for the past 4 months...We usually spend time at his place.We eat together, and cook sometimes,watch movies,t.v., talk and spend quiet time.We are intimate, and have amazing sex.We truly enjoy each others company I believe.We spent Christmas and New Year alone together and exchanged gifts.He is lovely, but very hard to read.I am not good a deciphering the lingo.He is a self proclaimed commitaphobe, who is romantic and speaks of himself as married with children someday.We have known each other for 5 months and are both writers so we communicate in written word a lot too.No words of Love have been exchanged.Here is the situation...A friend of his who befriended me online, had gotten quite forward.I did not want it to get to him that we were "communicating".Because for my part the friend I took on because he was a close friend of his.Purely kind and innocent on my part.But the friend is smitten with me.And out of respect to my interests privacy, I told no stories about our relationship.One night recently, feeling uncomfortable about a letter his friend sent about giving me a massage.I told my guy, that his friend was kinda into me a bit.And that I didn't want any misunderstandings or confusion.Or to speak out of turn.I wanted to say something to the friend, but didn't know what to say.I told my guy, I told the friend he was "lovely and my friend".And what would be appropriate to say.He said, sweetly, not upset, that his friend was a great guy.I said I knew that and he was sweet just obviously wanting to get to know me intimately.And I am only interested in my guy.So he said if I told the friend we were "hanging out" he would probably stop that angle for me.What does that mean???Am I his girl?When a guy says we are "hanging out"...My guy, has since gotten much warmer to me too.Gave me a leather jacket of his the following week.seemed symbolic?!Help!Very sweetly perplexed...sweett
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male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (21 January 2009):
 First, to the concerns about you and your boyfriend. From here, it sounds like you two are "dating"... or "an item"... or "hanging out" together... it's really just jargon on how people (guys) phrase things. What's really important here is to not necessarily ignore the words, but pay stronger attention to the actions and how you feel when you're together... and that all sounds wonderful to me. What's that old saying? ...actions speak louder than words? He's speaking volumes without opening his mouth.
On that mutual friend that might be getting too close... while I agree that eventually he's going to figure that you're not interested in him. But, that's really dependent on how stubborn he is. So, you could wait him out and hope that he either backs off or simply disappears from your life. Then again, since he's a friend of your boyfriend's, he's probably not going to disappear. That said, I really think you should take a more direct approach (especially if his actions are building anxiety in you). Tell him the straight truth: dude, back off! ...or you could take a more indirect path: let him "catch" you and your boyfriend together being close and affectionate to each other... out to dinner together, or invite him along to some event (drinks, whatever) so he can see for himself that you are "taken" and aren't available to develop anything with him. Assuming that he can draw conclusions from the not-so-direct approach, then he should get the idea and back off on his own.
I hope this helped...
A
male
reader, Zim  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 You have had some very good advice here so far. I would say that yes, he is a part of your life. To say that you both are "hanging out" seems to bear the meaning of exclusive. The leather jacket also has this meaning. He wouldn't lend or give you his jacket if you both weren't exclusive. This experience could be exactly what Griffo says, a test for your relationship that you passed with flying colours. To tell your boyfriend about something like that and your concern about it shows him that he can trust you and that you want to be with him. As long as you tell his friend that you and your boyfriend are now "hanging out" or "going out" then he should respectfully leave you be and everything will be fine.:-)
Good luck!
ZIM
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (17 January 2009):
 I think your situation is good. He is the classic uncommitive male as you said. It sounds as if the only thing left for him to do is commit to the relationship. Also keep it in the back of your mind that he is extremely insecure and thats why he is keeping that one piece of the puzzle to a distance. You are most definitely his girl. He spent two special holidays with you, so there is no one else hanging around. I would say go ahead and play it cool and in an intimate situation tell him you decided to make him your boyfriend, and with a little smile. Kinda like you are joking but not really and see where it leads. If that doesnt go where you want it then I think you gotta ask him flat out, are you his one and only girl or not?
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (14 January 2009):
 Your definitely his girl! And that my friend could have very well been a good test, not that it was set up, but made your guy truly realised that you are a top woman who is committed to him and sincere about the relationship. This was demonstrated by your concern about his friend trying you.
Also, one of the most romantic things you can ever do is be a good friend with a woman (non sexual at first) and never tell her your love for her ever (even if she does not love you back). A good example of Forrest Gump and Banjamin Button movies. Those types of romances are the very best in life! Though, a lot of people get it very wrong and don't build the solid foundations of a good friendship first. Therefore, it likley fails and that person is forgotten. I can see you've build a good friendship with your guy.
"Hanging Out" is a way of saying "sorry, you are taken." So yes, It's more than likley, yes you are his girl. And he is your guy. I'd say its growing very well between you both.
Don't worry about the friend he will get the picture from your guy. They will talk and he will accept never bringing it up again. It could also simply be that your guy was being very private about your relationship and the friend guy thought you were available.
I wish you the best and it seems you've found a golden fish in the sea. Very rare!
Cheers :)
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A
female
reader, Ask JenniHearts  +, writes (14 January 2009):
 yes you are a major women in his world but you need to tell his friend to back off politly. you need to take the first move and ask if this is a commitment or a dating thig. not to be harsh but some men have 3 women.
1 the main woman
2 the women with just the fling
3 the botty call.
you need to make it clear to him that your not seeing anyone else and that he's the one in your mind.
hope this helps
jenni hearts
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