A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a woman about two months ago. After a couple of dates, it was obvious that I was attracted to her and she was attracted to me. We talked, kissed, got physical after a few more dates, saw each other almost every day, started doing full day things, etc. We spent the night a few times at each other's place. Eventually, she told me she loved me. And I told her the same thing.I don't know if it's love or infatuation, or both, but over the course of 6-7 weeks, I have become almost obsessed by her.Now, on to the issue: on our second date, I asked her when her last long relationship had ended. Apparently, that was quite recent: about a week or two ago, she had broken up with a guy, which she considered to be the rebound of a much longer and more serious 6-year relationship. She admitted the guy was a rebound, even though they were on and off together for about one year. I told her I had no intention of being the rebound of the rebound guy myself, and tried to make sure she was over this guy. She said yes, and we moved on with our own story.Rationally, I don't think she's in love with this guy; I don't even think she likes him. (His actions don't make him a likable person.) But over the course of one year, I imagine she developed some strong connection with him, emotional if not romantic. I don't know if this connection is gone. The guy sure is not making it easy for her to move on: he's texted, called, asked favors, even made scenes regarding the dog they bought together back then. He insulted her, and made her extremely upset by throwing things from her past at her face.Meanwhile, our own relationship which was initially fast-paced and intense, started to fade. One day she'd be happy to see me, the next day, she'd be quiet and spaced out. I told her we could take things slower, that she may need space during that emotional transition. That's what we're doing right now, we don't see each other as much as before, although almost as often; I'm still deeply attracted to her. She hasn't said she loved me since that "talk", even though I receive regular proofs that she thinks about us and cares for me. The swing mood behavior is also present. And just yesterday, I could see her ex was trying to call her again, which I have no doubt, torments and/or annoys her. Either way, it can't be good for us, although I'm not mentioning it: I think I said what I had to say about that, she knows where I stand, and she's the only one who can deal with that issue now. Me mentioning the ex over and over again can only be a bad thing.I was reading another thread yesterday ("She led me on for 2 months..."), and that story bore strange resemblances with mine. The commentaries were unanimous: classic case of rebound. And now, I wonder, despite my initial (feeble) attempt to clear it out: am I a rebound myself? I think she wants to make this work, but she's also very tormented. By the ex, by her own past (as I learned), by external events (job transition, for instance.)If it is a rebound, what is the best approach to get past that phase without breaking up? I can't imagine all rebounds are bound to fail, at least not if the rebounder is willing to give him a minimum shot. It seems to be her case. I really like this girl, I think it's rare to connect with somebody, and I just hope it's only a matter of bad timing. In your experience, is there anything I can say, do, or not do to improve the current situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFollow-up: she broke up with me last night.
We went out for food. It was ok but she was more silent than usual. When we came back to her place, we chilled a little bit and we started kissing. Eventually she told me she didn't feel very sexual at the moment. The conversation continued and she said she needed to be alone, be on her own, outside of a relationship for once, and she had enjoyed being on her own these last few days. I was feeling bad, and sexual tension started to build. We started to have sex but we stopped mid-way. The kissing continued. After a while she told me I should leave. I kissed her and then told her it wasn't over and left. Not once did she clearly say it was over, although it was a break-up. But she left a half-open door, and I don't know how to move on and what to do, since I love her :(
If you have any advice, I'll take it.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 Dude when women are emotionally stricken.. Stay away!! Let them calm down. That could be ten mins an hour a day ten days ten months. She has clearly brought in issues from her past rltshp into yours resulting in insecurity n well, drama. How do u tolerate drama man? Get out of it. Save urself the stress headache n worry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer.I am much in love with her, I am willing to be patient. As a borderline control freak myself, the situation is extremely stressful though. (Waiting being the opposite of controlling. I understand these are my own issues, and it complicates matters further. But I'm not showing her that the whole situation "is she happy? where does she stand? what does she think? does she really want to be in this relationship?" torments me greatly.)Your comment is positive, at least there are instances of rebounds turned around into lengthy and strong relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013):
My sister married her rebound guy Lol ... She had left a two year relationship and after two months being single met her to be hubby.. Clearly she wasn't over her ex and drive her ( to be hubby) mental by talking about her other guy all the time even getting upset at times ..
But her hubby had fallen very much in love and he let her whine and cry and get angry.. He was very laid back .. And he waited and with patience she stopped talking about her ex let go moved on and they've been married 25 years lol so my advice ..
Let her work this out for herself.. Make sure she know you care for her but your willing to wait and be overall patient with her..
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