A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am single and am no spring chicken anymore, although Im not exactly geriatric either. In my life I havent really had many girlfriends and can count the number of sexual partners I've had on one hand.Im starting to feel that 'I've missed out' a bit and should have been with way more women than i have, if you get what i mean. Im thinking that guys my own age would have had a lot more sexual experience and fun with women. One or two women Ive spoken to, where their youth and activites when younger has come up (without actually going into the detail), have made me think that i need to try and 'catch up' a little, while I still can and am in a position to do so.These thoughts have made me think of seeing prostitutes, as this is probably the easiest and quickest (although possibly most expensive(?)) way of trying to increase my sexual experience and feel better about myself. Some of you will question this and most likely say that if I have sex with prostitutes i should feel worse, not better. That's possibly going to be true to an extent, as it isnt my first choice- id much rather have had sex with normal everyday girls when Im younger, but I can't bring back the past, and frankly Im a bit jealous of how much experience and the number of sexual partners some people have had. Sure I could still start trying to have relationships with women, and still plan to do so, but in view of my goal (to put it bluntly, increase the number of women Ive had sex with) other than the odd one night stand, if Im lucky, that isnt going to happen and will be a very slow process.Am I having a mid life crisis, and am I being stupid for being jealous at the number of people some of my friends have been with?Im sure there will be some interesting replies to this one, and thanks for taking the time to answer.Has any other man (or woman) felt like this and if so, what did you do about it?
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female
reader, Silverslick  +, writes (14 November 2011):
I personally think it's not about sex partners and jealously for your friends. I believe you have a hard time growing up. I caution you to stay away from any relationships because you will hurt others. You are not ready to have any sort of relationship...guys like you say your not ready for a relationship and tell girls others things to get in their pants. People have friendships with you that are suppost to be friendships that you get to share all, but you're full of envy. Stop and get help first for yourself, you are suffering from midlife crisis.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): My feeling that I get from your question is it's time to grow up, and I think you realize that and it scares you. I don't think it has to do with sexual partners, and buying prostitutes. You are only hurting yourself and others that you encounter with your selfish act. You will pay in the end. Also have you ever thought that people go through things in their life that they may have regret. Not everyone has good sexual experiences (raped,lie to, tricked) but you're looking to them as a if they scored! What are you thinking. You should never compare you experiences EVER to some one else's. Grow up and forget sex score this sexual experience that. If you meet someone that makes you happy there is nothing you would do didn't have that they would look down upon you on for. You are making a big mistake trust me!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right... and most people assume just because I'm single Im getting plenty of action. I'll let them go on thinking that ;) Thanks for all your comments! :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 October 2011):
 So if it's something that needs to change in your head, why not simply tell yourself you had a wild time sexually in your younger years and then behave as if you do? All you need to do is smile knowingly, as this woman apparently did, and you will create the illusion that you did.
I sincerely doubt that "most women" have had as wild a sex life as you seem to think. I think you are beating yourself up for no good reason.
I think you need to change your frame of thinking but then, I don't have to walk in your shoes. If you have to have a wild sex life now to make up for feeling inadequate somehow, well, then go do your best. But don't be surprised if your self-critical and internally judgmental inner voice doesn't ruin it for you after you try. That's your real issue, not some imaginary sexual history you've ascribed to a single woman who rolled her eyes at you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo you are measuring yourself by her yardstick? Is she your current arbiter of your worth as a sexual being?
Not really, I just think she (and probably most women) has had a way better sex life than me ;)
Would you feel better being able to say, "oh yeah...
It would be more in my head, probably. I caught her trying to hold back a grin when telling me of her 'wild times' I'd love to be in a position to do the same. But no I probably wouldnt be boasting of having been to a prositute.
Was there an absolute number that you thought of that would tip you over from the "not enough sex" category...
Probably at least double figures, I cant even say that the its been 'Quality over quantity' in my case- except maybe for one of the women.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
So you are measuring yourself by her yardstick? Is she your current arbiter of your worth as a sexual being?
Would you feel better being able to say, "oh yeah, I had some reeeeaaaaallllyyyy wild sexual escapades back in the day" when you are 60, if you don't have to add the disclaimer "that I felt I had to pay for"?
Was there an absolute number that you thought of that would tip you over from the "not enough sex" category into the "right amount of sex" category? I'm thinking your logic is a little fuzzy on this point, could you please clarify that?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (6 October 2011):
To balance some of the female responses I would add that women tend to underestimate how much men reflect on sexual matters. Especially in midlife there is a reminder that you are not getting any younger. That being said I would suggest there are better ways to meet real women rather than paying for the pleasure. However, I am aware that western culture paints a grim picture of sex workers. I have often been teased for my prudishness by colleagues when in Singapore or HongKong etc and they come back beaming after a lunchtime "massage", made my sandwich feel a bit tame. So by all means, if you have the resources pay for some company, but try hard not to encourage the very abusive and probably criminal side of the sex industry. Best to find a mate with a similar idea and seek out a classy strip joint and take it from there. You will soon discover if you like the idea of it or not. Many guys, even happily married ones pay for sexual adventure!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, Many thanks thanks for your answers. Funnily enough, it wasnt so much my male friends who made me start thinking this way, but a female friend, who when indirectly talking about what she has been up to in her life when younger and single(although no detail given), started to make me look at myself and make comparisons, and think about how more exciting her sex life must have been.Yes, I have always been lacking in self confidence, and am working on this with some success so far.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Most men tend to overestimate the number of sex partners other men have had. In reality being able to count the number you've had on one hand is normal, with the average number of sex partners a man has had being between 5-7, which is no doubt driven up by the small group who spend their lives chasing conquests.
As someone else has said, one night stands just tend to be for the purpose of bragging rights as they mostly seem to be kind of boring disconnected sex and don't add much of anything to your sexual repertoire.
It sounds like basically you're suffering from low self-esteem and want to boost that by getting more notches in your bedpost. My guess is this will not do much to boost your confidence long-term, that has to come from yourself. There's nothing wrong with not having a lot of sex partners, and I think many women prefer a man who isn't out having a ton of one night stands.
As for sex with prostituted women, I cannot express to you how bad of an idea that is. Here are some statistics on prostituted women:
70-90% of prostituted women suffered sexual abuse prior to entering.
68% of prostituted women suffer PTSD.
1 in 500 prostituted women are murdered.
The majority of prostituted women report having been sexually assaulted within the past year.
Around 90% of prostituted women want to leave prostitution but lack the financial means.
You would have no way of knowing if the woman you were with was there "by choice" or from a complete lack of options (far more likely than because she likes it) or even if she was trafficked there. Unless you find one of the women in the small minority who wants to be there, you would essentially be raping her since sex by coercion is rape, and paying someone for sex is coercion.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): "Am I having a mid life crisis, and am I being stupid for being jealous at the number of people some of my friends have been with?"Yes, you are having a mid life crisis.No you are not stupid.Yes you are jealous.No, sleeping with more people will not make you feel better.Using prostitutes will make you feel worse about yourself.Look to a professional counselor for help, it will cost less, get you more return for your dollar, and help you see what is really going on with you.I'm around your age, I've had 3 sexual partners, but I've kept one of them satisfied for nearly 20 years, and she's had buku partners before me (like 200 or more).Quality...not quantity...of the experience is what really matters.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (6 October 2011):
Patronising a prostitute is not exactly having sex, but rather renting an aperture. Their job is simply to find you irresistible as long as your money lasts. You will not learn anything about the ways and means of seducing a woman this way, or even becoming more attractive to them. Your age is not that much of a problem as far as women are concerned as long as you take care of yourself, dress well, are of a weight proportionate to your height, and conduct yourself like a decent fellow. Set yourself the task of honing your conversational skills by striking up polite conversations with five women (late 30s and up) a day, every day, and see how things are going in two weeks. And remember you will have successes as well as failures.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
Catch up to whom, exactly? Is there some round number in your head that will make you feel better about yourself? What if you hear about the next guy who has been with hundreds of women? Will your next goal be to get a comma into your number?
If you are asking if prostitutes count towards your number, I guess they do. Will having sex with prostitutes make you feel better about yourself, by getting the number up? Or will it defeat the purpose and will your inner critical voice start saying "prostitutes don't count as part of the casual sex number, because you have to pay"?
I think the problem for you is that you are second-guessing your past in a very negative and self-demeaning way. No one can erase the tape and start over. All you can do is live in the moment. If you believe that having sex with prostitutes is the only way you will ever feel good about yourself, then you are free to go test that belief.
My guess though is that your negative thinking about yourself comes from someplace else and just ratcheting up the number isn't going to actually fix your issue. There'll always be men and women who have had more sex and WAY more interesting sex lives. There will also be men and women who have had less sex and more boring sex lives.
Your negativity and self-consciousness about your past sex life isn't going to be magically cured by sleeping with 5, or 10, or 20, or even 50 prostitutes. That'll just add something else to regret, later, I think. And having sex with prostitutes now doesn't change the fact that you didn't have the sex life you wanted in your youth.
Check out some therapies that might help you change your thinking process and possibly re-align your brain so that you feel better about yourself. That's generally when people are most attractive, when they believe in themselves and in their innate value. That would probably benefit you more in the long term, 10 or 20 years down the road, as you'll be attracting people to yourself, rather than having to pay people to have sex with you. I think it would be a better way to spend your money.
Did you post here to be talked out of it? Sometimes the easy road isn't the right path to take. Sometimes it is. If you are having doubts about it, there are ways to re-adjust your thinking patterns and look at it from a different frame.
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A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (6 October 2011):
It's a shame in our overly sexualized society that the amount of flesh pounding a man has accomplished in his life equates to some sort of "value"! We, as a civilization, seem far too interested in the numbers- number of partners, penis size, breast cup size, number of zero's in your income, etc. Why do we do this to ourselves? Whose value system are you trying to meassure up to? What value do you think paid sexual encounters with professional sex workers will bring to your life and reputation? Do you believe that such encounters will make you happy and more satisfied with yourself? If so you don't value yourself or your time and money too much and that's the root of your negative feelings towards yourself and sexual history. When you value yourself you don't care what others may think and you don't believe that you've missed anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2011):
 You should be old enough to know by now that is the the quality, not the quantity that makes life better.
How is having sex with as many women as possible makes you more of a man?
It's not what a woman looks for in a man.
If I were to ever date again, I would stay VERY clear of man-whores. Men who will sleep with anything as long as it has a pulse and a temperature, even if they have to pay for it.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (6 October 2011):
 I can only express how I would feel about it, as a "nice" girl I'd much rather find a man who has had less women in his life, believe me men who have slept with hundreds of women are not appealing, add in prostitutes and I'd be running for the hills - I would not want to ever sleep with a man who had seen a prostitue, and I'm fairly open minded sexually.I think it's likely to be more related to how you feel about yourself and how confident you feel. When I split up with my long term partner, he had been my first and only for 14 years. I felt very insecure about myself and felt that I would be rubbish and inexperienced when it came to sex. Had a one night stand, met someone had sex a few times, few one night stands, then met my new boyfriend.One night stands really don't add to experience, been in my experience very vanilla sex, and experience doesn't really count for huge amounts as to get the most and best sex you need to almost "re-learn" what to do with every new partner, as everyone likes different things. I think it really is quality rather than quantity!I'm not sure if that helps, but please don't see prostitutes I think it will do more harm than good, it's not "real" and won't give you real experience as your paying them to make you feel good so pretty much anything you do is going to make them scream with delight.I hope things work out for you!
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (6 October 2011):
I think all men go through these kind of phases where they look at their lives and wonder if they could have achieved more. Your message strikes me that you feel inferior to your friends because you haven't slept with as many people as them?If you think sleeping with more people will help you feel better, give it a try. You only have to arrange meeting 1 escort and you'll quickly see if it is right for you or not.But I think there is a deeper issue here than your sexual experience and number of women you've slept with. It's to do with a lack in confidence, and to be honest, I don't think shagging around is going to fix that.Being confident in yourself comes from something deeper - something whereby you feel good about yourself no matter how many people you've slept with, how much money you've earnt, what kind of car you drive or how attractive you look.I think you should look at working on your confidence at this deeper level, and you will probably find that you no longer need to sleep with more people to validate yourself with your peers. Sleeping with a higher number of women does not make you a better or more successful man.. and this is something you should believe.
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