A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think my husband is in love with his female friend of 2 years. I think I should be worried.I check the phone bill and her number is almost the only one on it that he calls and he calls often. They talk for hours every day. This is strange because my husband never likes to talk on the phone to anyone. Even me when we were dating.They have the same interest in cooking and decided to start a catering company together last year. They have managed to make it a success. They also started a community garden in our neighborhood to grow organic fruits and veggie. I am very proud of him. I know this was a dream for him, but he will not let me get involved in any of the business. I have not even met her.Also, he is not as afectionate as he was before. He is also not very patient with me. He gets annoyed by me easily.When I asked him if he was cheating on me with her he said no. He said she's not that kind of woman to do that. What does that mean?We do have children. I don't want to lose my husband but I think I already did.Should I be worried? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 September 2013):
 Well then you have something to discuss, either with the marriage counselor or your really great divorce attorney.
You need some help in communicating with him, obviously. So your choice is which option will be the most useful to you.
If you have children then make sure they are kept safe and happy. Sorry you have this worry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha, i know that he talks to her from the phone bill and there are hours spent per call.
We never talked for hours about anything.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 September 2013):
 Reading everything you have written and looking at it overall, one thing is clear...
If you were in a loving supportive marriage, you should have trust of eachother and that should mean that you should be able to talk about anything and ask anything of eachother.
A lot of what you are saying is guess work...I dont think you are in full ownership of all the facts.
On the face of it, it does seem that he is diverting his attentions away from you and focussing on this other woman and the fact you arn't having sex and he is edgy with you, suggests all isn't well.
You should be able to ask him for reassurance, but if he is 'covering something up' he may just lie to you. He could also be 'off' sex because he is under stress with his job.
The fact that he is there with the kids is something but again it means little about how he feels with you.
You almost seem afraid of upsetting him, like if you ask, he may run away!!
But knowing what you are dealing with is far better than guessing.
Find a time to sit down with him and have a conversation. Choose a time when the kids arn't there and when he isn't rushing out the door for work...
Then tell him exactly how you feel and ask him to give you some reassurance that he still loves you.
If he gets annoyed when you ask, there HAS to be a reason for that and it could just be that with everything going on, he doesn't think your needs are important.
It's fair to say that if you divorce him, his business will take a massive hit financially so that is food for thought, but he cannot keep you in the dark forever, but you must stand your ground for those specific answers that you seek.
None of us here can give you an accurate judgement of what is going on. He is being evasive and not fulfilling all his marital duties and for that alone, he owes you an explanation!!
Talk to him!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2013):
You sound a bit detached from this worry.
Should you be worried? Well, um, yes, it does sound like you have a valid concern.
"I want him to talk to me like he talks to her. I never had that with him."
You haven't even met her? So how do you know how he talks to her?
Hire a great divorce lawyer who has an awesome PI and let them sort it out.
Focus on what is best for the children and the rest should fall in place. If not, then get some professional guidance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I am always supportive and encouraging. He seems annoyed by that too. We also have not had sex in months.
I try to look good for him. I even dyed my hair black because he's been paying attention to dark haired girls with that Betty Page hairdo. His partner does have very dark hair.
Sometimes i feel like hes changing but because he was never open with me maybe he is just being who he is?
I dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone and thank you for your kind words. It makes me smile.To answer questions. Yes he leaves the room when he talks to her and texts. They do go away to trade shows and seminars once in a while. But he doesnt go often because he also is the one most responsible for our children because I work a regular 40 hour week. So he does spend lots of time with us. I dont really have to complain because hepays all of the bills and he gives me whatever I want.I want him to talk to me like he talks to her. I never had that with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is just cruel- Shoving it in your face but at the same time stringing you along! He pretty much has done everything to indicate he has or will cheat on you with this woman, other than saying it out loud. He's a creep. Neglecting you, saying nasty things like "she wouldn't do that"... Otherwise what would happen? How is that supposed to make you feel? And the fact he's completely barring any access to his Work project, you his life partner, what a nasty, uncaring man. If it was me I'd be crying my eyes out, not just because my husband has turned out to be a cheater, but also a cruel and cowardly man... If he's met someone and cant be bothered with his family, he should face up to it, sort out financial support for his FAMILY, not just string you along... Like Aunty B said, your world now is your kids and your esteem. Don't let this jerk tread over you like a doormat everyday, just to keep a cosy, easy life and have her on the side. Try and get some money together, put it aside and lean on any family/ friends you have during this difficult time. No decent person would treat someone like this, he's knowingly putting you through pain just for a cosy life. You need to tell him to stick it cos you don't wan2 be with a t**t like this, at least you got 2 beautiful kids out of it. I'm sorry and take care xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): I don't think his behaviour is completely indicitive of an affair unless there are certain details you've omitted.
I would expect someone who was successfully running their own business would have to spend alot of time talking to their business partner so the fact thar he's frequently on the phone to her isn't suspicious on it's own. Does he always take the calls into another room or always lower his voice when he's talking to her? Have you heard him discussing things that definitely aren't business? Does he stop talking when you come into the room or become angry if you overhear some of the conversation or ask what it was about?
Any other signs? Recent absences or nights away from home at times that can't possibly be business related?
Then I think you should consider that he may be having an affair rather than just being a workaholic
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A
male
reader, Mr.Manimal77 +, writes (1 September 2013):
Check this out lady, it's over for the most part, but you have to realize that you have all the power. You're the wife! You can sit back and be the floor mat, or you can be key that opens the front door of a harmonious home. Granted I am no professional and by no means am I a relationship counselor. I'm just the real deal blue collared American hard worker. Anyway here's the deal. get yourself dolled up. Spend some of that money that him and the other chick is making on yourself. Go get yourself some cute outfits and some makeup or something like a makeover. "Go get your hair and nails did!" like them sister girls would say. In a nutshell GET YOUR ^^^^ TOGETHER! Now what you do is this. Start looking good around the house I mean real good and keep it up. Get a fitness club membership and work hard. Get you a babysitter more often and go have fun with your girlfriends. All in this process he will wonder what's really going on. You'll start catching his eye more often As for the other woman, you need to go and invite her coffee or brunch and have a heart to heart with her but you stay in control of the conversation and you demand the respect that you deserve as the wife. If she was any type woman she will respect that you kept it 100 with her and step back on the sideline and know her role. Now to Mr. I don't know what I'm doing. Get him squared away and tell him to get his head out of his a^^ or you're leaving and taking the children. These days it's not the time to be gallivanting around. All he's doing is creating a divide in you guys family unit, and damn it you're the lioness and you must be strong and do what's right for you and your cubs. Good luck and Stay Motivated!
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A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (1 September 2013):
 HI There I can understand your frustration totally as I too have been in a similar situation.First of all look at the positive side, your husband has made a success of his own business, and just so happens he has a lady business partner, making a success of a business is a real achievement.. remember men need to be appreciated.Loved and trusted... and if you are blaming him and accusing him of course hes going to be abrupt, annoyed and less affectionate. Secondly, why is there any need for you to meet the lady he is business with? You could visit his place of work to say and say lets do lunch ? or something like that.Thirdly the telephone calls, to me if I am in business with someone which I am or not my phone calls are a long time, but never would my partner accuse me of having an affair with them. Theres lots to talk about in business, whether its about competitors, how to make more money, hiring new people, internet design, etc etc... I know its hard but try and put yourself in his shoes, he has a successful business,hes doing what he loves, and men love supportive women, that appreciate them and even when they are tired or say no to your questions or demands then you should graciously accept that is no for now...Im sure hes not having an affair, have you told him you are proud of him ? have you told him how you appreciate hes made a success of his own business, have you said you are glad he has a business partner who can help him with the day to day running of the business? why dont you so something, and fill your time up with doing something that you have always wanted to do... ? then the tables would turn.Keep strong, be positive. Hope this helps good luck keep us posted. xxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 September 2013):
I think sometimes we cannot see what is blatantly staring us in the face because we get 'love blinded'
To be honest, all the signs are there and if he hasn't cheated yet, there is a good chance that he is thinking about it and the fact he is getting annoyed and edgy with you is the start of his escape plan.
When you confronted him, he immediately protected her! he didn't offer any words of comfort to reassure you and this is a HUGE red flag. I know you have kids with him, but you need to be smart and start making a 'B Plan' so that if the inevitable happens, you are prepared.
The 'B Plan' should be putting some money aside, which he is unaware of, maybe finding yourself a part time job and perhaps seeing where you stand legally if divorce happens. You will most likely be entitled to half his business share, unless he has it protected in the other womans name, but the house and assets should be divided. Confide in a close friend or family member who you can trust because sharing the burden often helps.
Make suggestions to him that you'd like to have more family time and 'you and him' time because you feel things are slipping in the marriage...see what his reaction is.
I know it's hard to make an accurate judgement when you don't have the full facts but I think you know deep down that something isn't right and unless you stand your ground and at least get your point across, things are just going to get worse and worse.
Be prepared for the worst, because you have cause to!
Good Luck
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