A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. We always have fights and disagreements and we quarrel sometimes. I must admit we are both strong characters and when we get angry we both hit the roof. I am now feeling drained about the relationship. The more we spend time together the more we fight and he ends up saying the hurtful things.Yesterday I felt bashed and battered by what he said. I cried and vomittedHe is the kind of a person who doesn't want to be asked anything and he feels I ask or talk too much. He won't tell me stuff like "how old is his sister" (which I recently met) or why is he 30 years younger than his brother.....If I ask him any question (like I constantly do) he closes up and never responds. We recently had a fight about a place he now stays in. He has relocated to an hours drive distance place so I had to drive him there yesterday.That place he lives in is very weird, the caretaker didn't paint the walls for him and there is no shower nor a bath tub but he is going to pay a lot of money for rent. I was suggesting that he should maybe look for the same place in the neighbourhood, where at least they will respect him enough to paint walls of his room.... He then got very defensive, telling me I like dictating and where he stays is the place he chooses and "I should keep quite because I do not pay his rent...Well I asked him how different would it be if I was paying his rent as that was out of question... I understand he recently got that job after staying without a job for a year but I think he is verbally abusive.... Last weekend I went to pick him up at the club, so when I got in he was with these other guys, so I told him I was in a hurry and he said "if I want to leave I should do just that" so I left him and went to sleep... he came later on his feet... A week before that.I thought I was helping him out to at least consider that the owner of that house must work on trying to fix the room or he should then look for accommodation elsewhere....I was telling him it's not a nice place for me to visit, and it's also lowering his standard and mine....When we have such arguments he always wants to close by telling me to back off and saying I don't pay for his things so I have no right to question him...Am I missing something here?
View related questions:
money, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 Hi
The fact that you keep arguing and rubbing each other up the wrong way and unable to sort this, probably indicates that you should walk way with a heavy heart and admit that this relationship wont work. Had to do it recently myself, and have done it 4 yrs ago with someone else. Leaving someone you love is a killer, but sometimes you have to draw the line and admit enough is enough if you argue the way you do. Ive got 2 children so its possibly a bit easier for me, im not prepared to keep arguing with someone when we cant change things.
Personalities clash, thats life. Its better if you realise that when you first meet them, but sometimes we get a bit carried away and it makes life more difficult!
The rest of the problems are just relative to the stubborness of you both as a couple TOGETHER.
Good luck.
C xxxxu
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 February 2008):
Hmmm he sounds like he has some unresolved issues. I think it is odd that he got defensive when you asked simple things like how old his sister was and wouldnt answer you. There must be something more to do it that hes not letting on. However I think I may know why he got upset when you questioned why he is 30 years younger then his brother- maybe they have a different mother/father or something which he might not like to talk about. Either way though, no matter why hes hiding things, he should be opening up to you- your his gf after all.
I think you should ask him why he doesnt like to answer your questions and give him specific examples of when he does this. If you get a typical "response" where he doesnt answer your question then you may have to question whether or not being in this relationship is right for you? If he cant be open and tell you why its hard for him to answer your questions then there is nothing you can do to help him and make him open up. If he doesnt open up and continues to give you negative reponses when you talk then this will lead to a very un happy relationship for you.
As for the whole painting the wall situation...I think maybe he was offended with what you said, which is understandable I think. Maybe he took what you said the wrong way and thoguht sometime like maybe you woudlnt want to see him at all if he lived there? However having said that, I do understand you had the best intentions, its just sometimes other people dont always see that.
I think your gut is telling you something isnt right in this relationship as its making you physically ill. I think you should pay attention to this. Speaking from personal experience, ive had a similar thing happen before and ignored it...which I later regreted so badly.
Something doesnt seem right with him, so I really think you should figure it out and if you cant get answers then I think its best for you to leave. Hope this has helped.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): You seem very very tied up in thoughts of how to please him, help him, get him to talk etc. If I were you, before you lose your soul completely I would spend some time on yourself or perhaps by yourself. Clearly this emotional rollercoaster you are living is beginning to affect your mental and physical health so it is time for some self preservation. Start being a little cooler with him - maybe less visits / calls etc and don't make suggestions on what to do - just let things roll for a while. This will help you to analyse the situation more clearly because at the moment its like you are creating more and more negativity (not saying it is your fault but you are the one that cares more than he) and so it bears no fruit for you. At some point you are going to have to ask yourself "Is this a relationship I actually want?" and answer that question with honesty and courage. You will know when you are ready to but don't waste too much time unhappy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 February 2008):
 I think redecorating his new home is a NO! NO!. He wont appreciate your involvement with his things. Don't ever touch his things or he would rave like mad. You won't be appreciated for tidying or decorating his place. Better to keep your hands off and let him do anyway he likes.
I think his love for you has cooled.The way he treated you shows his lack of care and respect for you.He does not appreciate or think highly of you anymore.
Maybe , you need to call a time out in your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (11 February 2008):
 I don't think you are being opinionated at all. If he wants to waste his money on the hovel he lives in, then so be it. I would ditch this nasty, manipulating jerk and find a guy who values your opinion. Why should you care about his living condtions? Sure you don't pay his rent, but he totally under values your views period.
Don't let him bully you and tell him that he makes you feel small by his tactless remarks. Be strong. Dusky xxx.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
The sisters age hunny he may have bad memorys of that somewere along the line, Bad childhood memorys. Im a bit worryied if you are getting into this kind of mess .i.e crying and vomiting this is no good for you at all, You are going to end up very ill.
Your b/f seems to be different to you he is happy living with no paint on the walls, your nurturing insticts tell you you want to help that this is messy and not a nice place without the shower and bath, And you feel he is paying to much money as you care for him, But its been said in the wrong way and he is defending his choice and sticking to his guns, He may feel your trying to control him love were as your worried, First if he is being abusive in his tone then you have to take a few days break and breath, This at the moment is not doing you any good. You want to help he wants to do it himself no matter what the situation, He wants to feel in control of his life his own personal space. He just got a job and is now using that independence, It may not be great to start with but I guess in his mind you have to start somewere and taking money from you is a big no no as this is the first time he has done this for himself for a year...
He does say and act nasty but this may be out of pure frustration but you cant be around someone 24/7 with a anger issue, So hunny you need some you time, relaxing you time and then see how it goes after a few day break. See if he has calmed down abit, But hunny dont let the situation get so bad that you end up crying and been sick again as this is not good at all. If in the future you feel like its going to get out of control then leave and dont let it get any were like that again dont allow yourself to be controlled, you have the power to walk away always remember that.. TAKE CARE SWEETHEART WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
|
