A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear aunts and uncles, Here's a background on my relationship:I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. Currently we are having a long distance relationship (it has been ongoing for half a year and I have made plans to move over to his country permanently once I have graduated from university. Prior to embarking on our long distance relationship, I was in his country for an exchange program (that's how I met him). Thus far, he has visited me once during summer (12 hours flight apart!) and we skype at least once a week. We text everyday. For the record, he doesn't have any female friends. He thinks men and women cannot be friends. He replies my texts really fast even when he hangs out with his friends. So here's the problem: Since I have returned home though, I feel like he doesn't like it when I go for volunteer sessions. I help out once a week for the needy. Before I met him, I volunteered regularly. He would make comments like "don't you have to study?" "maybe you shouldn't go given how busy you are" etc. This made me feel guilty about volunteering.Secondly, he felt insecure when I meet my friends regularly for lunch (twice a week). It has always been this way for my friends and I. Just our regular lunch during our common breaks in school, even before I met him. It has never been with a guy alone as well. Usually it's just my girlfriends and I but sometimes male friends join in as well. He voiced his insecurities to me and gradually, I've stopped hanging out with them for lunch. Thirdly, my two best friends (both girls) returned from overseas recently. I haven't seen them in a year and I was really excited to meet them. But my boyfriend said things like "I don't understand why you still have things in common with them after not seeing them for a year.", "I feel really insecure about you seeing them.". I felt so terrible when I had my catchup with them because he was constantly texting me when I met them. If I didn't reply, he'd start asking why I was replying so slowly. It really felt like he didn't want me to see them at all. I feel like since I've returned, I've felt pretty lonely. These were activities I used to do before I met him, I had an active social life. Sure I knew a good number of guys and girls, I was always closer to the girls and I am never flirty with any of my male friends. Things are platonic between us. But him feeling insecure about me even hanging out with my female friends has made me feel like a terrible girlfriend. I don't even hang out with my other friends anymore because they're in a group of guys and girls and my boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable about it. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong here, but he somehow feels replaced. Am I going crazy here? Or is he possessive?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): From your description, he seems insecure by nature. Most people are not cutout for long-distance relationships. We all need the closeness and intimacy of being in a person-to-person/interactive connection. Bonding is more secure when it is both emotional and physical. That's what long-distance relationships lack, intimacy and connection. I don't care how much preaching and advocacy I hear and read about such relationships; they are stressful. I know that circumstance may force you into them; but you do have a choice whether to maintain them if you're not married.
In all honesty, if you were living together; he'd be no different.
Even if you're not needy, it would only be a matter of time before the strongest of people will feel the stress of the distance in an LDR. Thus your post.
If marriages can't withstand them, lesser bonds between people stand little chance. It takes a lot of determination and willpower. To stay faithful and hopeful. More than just love.
The technology of Skype and social media only satisfies the sense of sight, not touch. It doesn't fulfill the human need of emotional and intimate bonding. LDR's are especially tough on insecure people. If you ask me, insecure people shouldn't even try to be in adult relationships until they deal with their insecurities.
That's not usually the case. They need someone to lean on and often smother people to death with dependency. That's why their relationships fail.
Talk to him and tell him that you wish to maintain your relationships with those you care about, aside from himself.
He has no right to monitor, nor dictate, your activities or connections you've made with other people. When you are once again together, he will try to control your every move. You will probably get smothered by his insecurities as aforementioned. This is where the baby has to be weaned and taught that whining and crying will not always get you your way. Nor will tantrums. Set some guidelines now; before you uproot your life and become a part of his domain. Where your friends and other contacts will be remote and distant; and he will be all you can depend on. Trust me, you don't want that. You'll feel isolated.
Get him straight before you move anywhere. If it's tough on you now, it will be worse when you get there. You dated a year, and you must have spoiled him with attention when you were together. It's one thing moving from city to city; but you will be changing your citizenship and overlapping cultures. A romance is one thing, but once you live together in a full-fledged relationship; that's when you will become cornered and resentful. He will have taken everything from you, and will allow you no freedom or independence. Not even allow you to help others? No one on this planet will ever make me stop helping others. No one!
That is a generous and kind part of yourself you should never give up!
Possessiveness comes from past abandonment and the insecurity grows from many losses. Being needy, he has forced people to pull away. Just as he's doing to you now.
You really need to think carefully about moving your life to another country to be with someone who has these kind of issues. They are very serious and simple talk will not change them.
It takes a lot of effort on his part, and time in order to change the mindset; and to build self-confidence and trust in other people.
Are you sure you can handle that in your relationship?
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