A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 27. I am in a bad situation and I need to find an answer right now. My wedding is in less than 1 month. Me and my bf had been together for 6 years. I love him a lot and he loves me too. But there are too many problems in our relationship. I am his 1st gf, so he thinks he hasn't had his share of fun. We had trust issues earlier since I have had a couple of bfs before him. He has been out of work for a while now and he feels a routine job will bore him and tie him down so he thinks he needs to do something on his own. But he is not up to it. He is less than committed to find a job or earn money. He wants to go out with his friends (mostly girls) and have a good time. I am suppose to let him do all that since he is the one with problems, no job, etc., and that if he doesn't go out and have fun, it will effect him mentally. I have tried to discuss matters with him and show him I'm not comfortable with what he does with his friends but he gets very angry and brings up my past each time. So, now I have stopped questioning altogether. Somedays when I'm at work, he spends 5-6 hours outside home doing whatever he does which I have no idea. He has no drug abusing habits or anything of that sort. I know that for sure.He never gives a straight answer if i ask. I earn money and it is more than enough for a family. But I also do ALL the housework which includes cooking, cleaning, managing finances, etc. He helps occasionally. We have a good sex life and he seem quite satisfied with me. Well, he SHOULD BE! I'm what people would call a perfect girl with looks, brains, money, good upbringing, social class...you name it. Don't get me wrong...i'm not boasting, but I know what I've got! Now as the wedding is approaching i get more and more nervous. Wondering whether I'm doing the right thing. Or is it because I'm having pre-marital jitters? We have had so many good times. I can't leave him now. Besides, the wedding is so near. These thoughts are killing me. He is very affectionate at times and I love those times. I guess most often he is lazy and that is why he doesn't help me much with finances, around house, etc. Am I getting into big trouble, or is there hope for us in future. I don't want to break up with him. Will things get better in future...and how can I help in this situation to make this marriage work? Please please please help! I need answers Now!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): 1. At some point in the future, you will get tired of working so hard. It happens to any type of person or machine ... you can only work something so hard before it burns out. Unfortunately, from the history of behaviors that your future husband has exhibited, it does not sound like he will either (a) be willing to, or (b) be able to ... pick up the slack once you get burned out. Honestly, it sounds like you are already burned out and I understand why. Furthermore, burn-out can cause feelings of doubt, such as the ones you are feeling about getting married. I always tell women to trust their intuition because we were designed that way for a reason. 2. I have seen this time and time again: significant others have relationship problems (one example in your relationship = he hangs out with other women) that they think will disappear once they get married. Solid research exists that proves relationship problems only get worse if both people are not consciously working towards resolving them. Therefore, relationship problems only escalate causing more negativity once people get married. 3. If I was a friend of yours, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with you. I would want to ask you, 'if you are so hard-working and successful in an array of life areas, why are you dragging yourself down by carrying around dead weight?' Imagine how awesome your life would be if you would seek out and/or wait for another man who put forth as much effort as you!4. In situations such as these it is very easy for you to blame the relationship problems on him because it seems you are doing all of the work. The truth is that there is some type of character flaw within you that is 'needing' for this man to be dependent on you. Most likely, it provides you with the sense of control ... which to be honest, is an illusion. You may feel like you control him and the relationship, but in reality you are not around him for large portions of time so you really don't know what he is doing - even though you think you do. 5. All choices have consequences. Bottom line ... you are setting yourself up for a lifetime full of pain. If that is what you want, then continue making the same choices you have been with this man. If you are ready for life to get better and to feel good, set this "little boy" free and YOU SET YOURSELF FREE and get some counseling for yourself because of your dependency issues. 6. Build a relationship with God, who will help you to feel the void that already exists in your life and which will feel deeper once you end your current unhealthy patterns of relating. Peace and Blessings,Ri
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): The fact that you're having doubts whether he's the right one is a good warning sign that you're not quite prepared for a wedding. Perhaps you should just post-pone it for a while and deal with matters thoroughly. You do not want to walk into a marriage knowing that it will be a mistake. Ask him why is he so worked up about ur exes. Maybe he's feeling insecure because you have more experience than him. You need to reassure him that you're committed to him and no matter how many bfs you had in the past, he's all that matter to you now. However for him to make you feel guilty about your past and use that as an excuse to have his way with you is wrong. Give him some time to grow up and mature or else he won't be ready to get married.
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