A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 30 year-old man confused about his sexual orientation.This is a looong question, but I request you, PLEASE do read it is entirity. MY GAY PHASE:As a kid I was a sissy. I used to always be scared of things, used to cry easily etc. I was always teased for it. It was implicitly assumed that I would grow up to be a gay man.As a teenager, I began to feel sexual stimulation/attraction when I saw pictures of muscular men. I could not feel it for all men, but only men with muscles. At this point I realized (like anyone would) that I am gay. To this date, I am sexually aroused anytime I see a picture or video of a muscular man. MY STRAIGHT PHASE:At age 19, while in college, I encountered a beautiful woman in college. Something about her fascinated me. I wanted to get to know her intimately. And for some inexplicable reason, I felt physically attracted to her. To this date, when I come across a specific type of woman (cannot really put my finger on it, I guess a beautiful, warm, gracious woman), I feel something inside in me and feel the need to get to know her more intimately. I presume this is some kind of attraction, because it is very difficult from the way I feel towards a friend. I don't think I have ever felt this kind of attraction for a man, even a muscular man whom I feel sexually stimulated by. And once I begin to "like" a woman I begin to feel physically attracted to her. At the age of 21, I met a wonderful woman. She was beautiful, affectionate, and liked spending time with me. The first year, I merely saw her as a good friend. After that, my feelings changed. I wanted to hold hands with her, kiss her. Soon, I was madly in love. I was very confused about my sexual identity at this point, and I presumed that I might be "bisexual". I had to ask her out though (I felt I had no choice). I asked her out, and she refused. She said saw me as a friend, and couldn't date me. I was heartbroken, and I assumed that I was not "man" enough for her. I eventually confessed about my sexual identity crisis, and told her that I was probably bisexual. She refused to believe me, and said that I showed no signs of being a gay or even bisexual man (this is contrast to my school friends who saw me as a sissy). She nevertheless said that I was an attractive man who will definitely find a partner. After this, I asked out a few more women that I liked. The response was the same. They saw me as a friend, and did not feel attracted to me. By this time, I was sure that I had to be gay, because these women were clearly not feeling my vibes and could not sense any masculinity in me. At the age of 26, I stopped asking out women. THE SITUATION TODAY:And here I am at the age of 30, still not sure what I am. My close friends are straight men, who have laughed at my physical attraction of muscular men, and claim that I am just a straight man "wanting" to be gay because of my bad luck with women. After a lot of insistence they are opening up to the prospect of me being a bisexual, and have asked me to try going to a dating website and date men. I am making every effort to be open-minded to dating men, but once I log on to the site and see profiles of gay/bisexual men, I feel no excitement in me whatsoever (in contrast to seeing profiles of some women). Something about it does not seem organically exciting, and I have no clue what's going on. I am open to the fact that social conditioning is suppressing my attraction towards men, but I have tried my best to remove any blocks, but it doesn't seem to be working.How have I reached the age of 30 without sexual contact? Well I do browse pictures and videos of muscular men (always turns me on), soft-core pornography (straight porn, I don't like gay porn), and visiting strip clubs (although I am usually not physically attracted to a girl until I like her, I do find these women attractive). Which brings me to today. I have been at my workplace for 2.5 years, and have made no mention of a partner (because there isn't any!). I overheard a colleague telling another colleague that I am a 'closeted' gay man, who is either in denial or hiding it. My is guess is that they thought so because I haven't made any mention of a girlfriend, and to be honest, I guess everyone in my workplace thinks that I am hiding my gay sexual orientation. I felt bad that they thought that I was 'hiding' something, when I am really not! I want to be honest, and convey the reality to them, but don't know how!QUESTIONS:Q1. How do I know for sure whether I am gay or bisexual (I'm 30, and I have to find out)? If I am a gay man, what should I do remove these subconscious barriers and start feeling non-physical attraction to men? I see SO many interviews where gay celebrities say they believed they were straight/bisexual, but then accepted they were gay. WHAT could I possibly do, to remove the subconscious barriers of social conditioning, and develop the desire to date and live with a man?Q2. Related to the previous point, I currently feel no attraction, and have no desire whatsoever (for whatever reasons) to date a man. Should I still force myself to date men to see if anything happens? Q3. What can I do about these water cooler discussions where people claim that I am trying to 'hide' something and doing a bad job about it? Should I a)let them continue b) Openly claim that I am gay or bisexual and be done with it c) Openly claim that I am genuinely confused at the age of 30?Q4. If I decide that I should continue dating women, should I tell her that I feel physically attracted to muscular men?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 From what I read at the beginning of your post you put a LOT of emphasis on what OTHERS believe you to be. Despite what you yourself feel like or who you yourself are attracted to.
What other people believe you to be, or get "vibes" off... well, it doesn't really matter, now does it? What makes you gay or straight isn't what others perceive you to be. It's about who you like and are attracted to.
I don't think you should label yourself at all, to be honest. Just go with this instead: sexuality is fleeting. And, whatever label you put on yourself will never truly describe you and who you are and what you are attracted to. Example, a heterosexual man is not attracted to ALL women. He will have a preferred taste, for sure. A gay man will also have a preferred taste. Maybe one man likes tons of different women... And then another only likes one specific type of woman, but none of the others. Should that one man with the very specific taste really be called a heterosexual, even if he only likes, say, women who have big buts, and doesn't care about anything else about their bodies?
We call him a heterosexual still, because he still likes women over men. No matter if he's only interested in butts, and both men and women have butts. Even so, with his taste so very different from another "straight" man, we still call it heterosexual.
So why say you can't be homosexual, just because you "only" get turned on by muscular men? I have to agree with you, I only get turned on by muscular men as well, hehe. A turn on is still a turn on, though. I think whether or not you'd want the real deal is what really defines whether or not you.. well, like it. As opposed to liking the fantasy of it.
So sexuality is fleeting, and it varies, and then there's the third point. People are individuals. You might be gay 90% of the time, then you meet a girl! And that 10% of you that likes girls kick in, because she's just that amazingly awesome. Doesn't mean you're suddenly straight (or gay, if it's the other way around). Just means that this particular person is so awesome you can't stand being without them, and this particular person makes you feel this way. Maybe no other girl (or guy) can make that happen.
Hence, labels are pointless. But if you really feel a need for the labels, just say bisexual. You clearly have a thing for both genders, and why not allow yourself to go for whomever you want and whomever you heart desires? It's really not that difficult. If you fall in love with a man then be with him. If you fall in love with a girl then be with her. Be happy. Don't deny yourself that happiness just because of a stupid label you placed on yourself.
Q1: How do you find out what you are? The question is pointless, because you don't need to label yourself, and you already know who you are. You're a guy who finds it difficult to make approaches and get intimate with people, so you watch porn instead. Both hetero- and homosexual porn That's who you are. No offense, just making a summary of what you wrote.
Q2: No, you shouldn't force yourself to do anything you genuinely don't want to. But if you actually do want a relationship, then yes, you need to get out of the comfort zone and put in some effort, or else you wont get a partner in life. A relationship rarely happens with no effort. People rarely feel attraction on the first date when they don't even know each other. So don't confuse a lacking sexual interest in a stranger with plain old fear of rejection.
Q3: You need to tell people at the water cooler that your personal business is YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS, and not a topic for public discussion. Don't be intimidated by your "inexperience" in the area. Your sexual life is still private, whether you are sexually active or not.
Q4: I'm always honest about my bisexuality with my partners. Not because I plan on running off with someone else, or because I want an open relationship, or because I want threesomes or whatever. But just because it is a part of who I am, and that does happen to colour my view on some things. I don't announce it, but when the topic comes up or there's a good timing for it, I will not hide it. So I think you should say it, whether you are dating a man or a woman. When you enter a relationship you'd want the person closest to you to know who you are.. and your sexuality is part of that.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (7 May 2014):
Dear OP,
I am just going to share some of my thoughts about what you wrote (about me: I have now made peace with the idea that I'm bisexual and don't want another label anymore :)).
Q1) If those "subconscious barriers" are so high that you are actually not feeling any attraction towards men, I suppose it's not the right time to tear them down (yet). Because it wouldn't bring you pleasure.
Q2) No. Why force yourself to do something you don't want to? If you randomly date a guy that you're not attracted to, what will happen is that you will spend an evening asking yourself "am I turned on yet? am I turned on yet? Do I find him attractive? If no, why not?" and you'll be too busy in your head to find out.
Q3) I don't know, but don't give in and claim you're gay just because you want to stop the gossip.
Q4) If that woman is worth keeping in your life. But first, focus on making this woman not only see you as a friend. Flirt with her and show her your genuine interest and desire in her, before you confess anything about muscular men.
My advice which best summarizes my life experiences:
1) Stop to give a flying f**k about what the random people in your work place, or even your friends and family, think about you! Really. There's nothing that kills desire more effectively than the constant worry about what others might think.
2) Broaden your inner horizon before you go out and explore. Read gay fiction, gay biographies, also straight love stories, watch gay movies, bisexual movies, straight movies, maybe even fetish movies, kinky movies, movies about asexuals, movies about porn stars etc. .. until you realize that all these wonderful people exist and found their own way. Until you know there's nothing to be ashamed of, because no matter how your desire is shaped, there are people similar as you. Feed yourself with knowledge of different lifestyles, so you know there are more possibilities than finding a girl and settling down.
3) Stop the overanalyzing and "what if..". Yeah, what if you find a good woman and she loves you and then you realize you're gay? Well, that's a possibility. But you know, 99% of the things you worry about will never happen. Maybe other terrible and beautiful things will, but you can't avoid the risks in your life by not doing and trying anything. Maybe in your scenario, you would leave that woman and she would find someone new she loves even more. Maybe she would cheat on you before you come out. There's a 1000 possibilities that could destroy a relationship once it's formed. But your worries and fears won't help that. Start living in the NOW and not in some imaginary future. Your problem is how to start a relationship, not how to end one. Focus on that.
4) Allow yourself to make some honest mistakes. You can't know what you like unless you try what interests you at the given moment. And maybe you will have to apologize sometime in your life. It can't be done any other way. All loving people in the world live with that risk and put other people into the same risky situation.
5) Stop stereotyping yourself. It's wrong to assume that men who are good friends with women or who were "sissies" as children are gay. You seem to be a sensitive and not overly muscular man. But that doesn't mean you can't have a girlfriend. It just means you need to start dating and look for the woman who will like you the way you are. And deal more constructively with rejection than giving up on everything and questioning your identity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo RevMick,
When I see a muscular man, I do have an involuntary sexual response. I get an erection. However, I have no desire to sleep with the man. I have repeatedly tried to watch gay porn to see if it can invoke the desire to sleep with a man. It doesn't seem to be working.
The only time I ever have a desire to sleep with someone is when I begin to 'like' (in a romantic way) a woman. Watching a woman I don't know in swimsuit does not sexually stimulate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello there, I am the one who wrote the questions. I appreciate the two posters who took time to respond to me.To be honest, I have been OK with not giving myself a label (for now at least), but it is people in general that want to label and categorize me. The fact is, most people like to categorize others, and put them in boxes. e.g. He/she is either gay or straight. If they suspect you are gay, and you don't say so, they categorize you as 'closeted', a person who is hiding something. I am tired of this "gossip" about me, and want to set things straight, but I don't know how. At multiple points of time I have just considered telling everyone that I am gay, and put the rumour mills to rest. Once you they can put you in a category, they stop gossiping about you. As for thinking long term, deep down, I feel like settling down with a woman, because I feel a woman will complete me. I don't know whether this is because of social conditioning, or a true biological desire. Regardless, the desire to be with a woman has persisted over the years. However, I am terrified of waking up one day, and realizing that I am gay and letting down that woman. More importantly, I am also afraid that the woman will not find me "man" enough and in the long run lose interest in me. I have kept putting these concerns off over the years, seeing where life takes me, but nothing has happend so far. I do not want to be 45, and in the same situation. I have to do something different, but I don't know what.Thank you again for your responses, and I would appreciate it is more people shared their perspectives.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 May 2014):
I think that LABELING yourself as gay, straight, bi, asexual, or pansexual is useless... I don't even think in this day and age it matters.
I think you need to "go with the flow" get out and meet people, men and women... and don't say NO to anything...
practice safe sex and safe practices.. be careful in judgement...but give yourself permission to explore and figure it out.
Sexuality is a spectrum... some of us are at ONE end...totally homosexual and some at the other totally 100% straight (although I think that there are those that INSIST that they do not find folks of the same sex attractive are in some denial)
Personally I believe 80% of the population has the ability to "love the one you're with" in terms of male/female....
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 Hi,I don't think there is any hard and fast rule about what makes you either straight/bi/gay sometimes it suddenly clicks when you meet your "type".I have a friend, who like you was effeminate growing up, yet he tried when he was in his late school life to have sex with a girl he knew. It turned out for him, that he began to feel he was female in a males body. He described situations similar to yours, and feelings similar you yours.The issue my now transsexual friend is facing is that she isn't attracted to men in a sexual way, but is attracted to females.I want to voice up that, you can be attracted to men or women physically but not sexually. It may be that you need to make that distinction.When you see a muscular man (though it gets you excited) do you have the urge to sleep with them? Or are you sort of 'I like his muscles mmmm'I'm sorry you are at this impasse, the truth is it's a mine field and there's no way to find out without dipping your toe in the water.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's not clear cut for everyone. I'm going to try and keep it as short and sweet for you, as I appreciate there was a lot of information on there, and you have thought about this and picked through your past with a fine-toothed comb to try and come to some sort of conclusion.Truthfully, I personally don't believe this is about labelling yourself as gay/straight/bi. It is about you being dissatisfied both sexually and in the sense of being unable to find a fulfilling, compatible relationship and therefore hoping that if you can answer this yourself, you'll be able to move on and find someone that ticks all those boxes.The truth is, I don't think you'll know until you find that someone, and then you will just know what feels right to you, be that a man or woman.My male friend, only came out in his late-20s. Similar to you he was effeminate growing up, but always thought he was straight. Luckily we have a very tolerant group of friends, many of whom are gay, and he has a supportive family, so it would never have been an issue if he'd come out gay in his late teens, when many people did; he never even considered he might be gay and happily dated women as an adult, until he met a certain man and something 'clicked' into place for him. He wasn't seeking the answer, but in that moment he knew he'd found what was missing for him.Myself, I'm straight, but have sexual desires outside the norm, I find myself attracted to certain fetishes, nothing extreme, just nothing I had experienced in real life. It sounds silly, but it took a long time for me to realise that was what I was missing from previous relationships, it took me meeting a man you accepted and let that side of me blossom to feel completely satisfied (not just sexually). I'm not comparing my plight to yours because it's very different and I can see you are in a very difficult and tumultuous situation. All I am trying to say it is not about sexuality and putting a label on it, it is about finding someone that makes you feel complete.It's easier said than done. But try not to obsess about this. Try new things, meet new people, be comfortable and safe. At some point, things will click into place for you and you won't worry about the 'journey' and putting a label on it, you will just be happy you found it, whatever 'it' might be.I know very few people that find a satisfying relationship by the time they're 30, even straight people that settle down. It is rare and wonderful to find someone that you are completely compatible withAlso if you enjoy reading, maybe read a book called How to Think More About Sex (School of Life) by Alain de Botton. I liked the perspective it gave me in what makes us happy and why we repress or are confused by our sexual and relationship desires. Good luck.
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