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writes: hi there,i don't know what is going on with my girlfriend and i. i have been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for just over 8 months now, at first everything was so good and we laughed and had the best time but over the last few months she's really tried to distance herself from me. it all seems to centre around our ability to communicate properly when we encounter a problem. that and the fact by her own admission she is a commitment phobic!i still live at home with my folks and she has her own place, she is a very strong willed and independant girl and has been very hurt in the past by guys stealing from her and messing around so she is mega wary and these facts always get mentioned when we argue. (she wasnt in a relationship for over a year before she met me) the problem seems to be that she feels i'm pressuring her or as she puts it "the walls are closing in and she feels claustaphobic" but it wasnt always like that. over the course of the 1st part of our relationship up til a couple months ago i used to stay with her in her place sometimes for a whole week, and it was her that asked me to as often as it just happened, now i aint stayed at hers for nearly a month? the problem is that i give off the impression i'd like the relationship to move on a level, (i'm 32 she's 33) i know i want to be in the position that i know where our relationship is heading, whether its co-habitting or kids or wotever, but whenever i try to ask it just makes things worse. she thinks if its gonna happen it "just will" and she makes herself sick with worry wondering if i expect it when she doesnt really know if she'll ever want it! i cant do enough for her, i have decorated her entire house, i buy her gifts i clean and cook and do everything i can to make her happy but she just never seems to be. it wasnt always like this and i'm scared i'm loosing her which is causing me to walk on eggshells whenever i'm around her and its just getting worse, i just really dont know what to do, i've changed from the guy i was when we 1st met, the cheekiness and cockiness that attracted her to me is gone to be replaced by a spineless paranoid wreck, i've also lost a stone in weight with worry. i dont want to lose her but i just want things to go back to the way they were or am i fighting a losing battle.?
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (24 January 2006):
 Well it is possible you are not generating all the pressure here. From what you say it is likely that she is maybe thinking along the same tracks as you, in terms of thinking where the relaionship is going, and by doing this she is generating pressure on herself from herself.
I would say that in this situation you have to play a long game and cut back radically on any pressure that you maybe generating, adding to this process. 8 months is a long time and you are more than entitled to want to know where you stand in regard to these issues however the thing with relationship communication is that it is all about compromise. It also seems that worry about this is affecting you physically which will only increase the tendency of things to downward spiral.
I would, for the moment, drop the goal of finding out the answers to these questions and set yourself the goal of rediscovering the fun and positive aspects of your relationship. As this side grows you should, by decreaseing the pressure on her, increase you chances that given a little space she will open up to you and give you the answers you seek.
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