A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I'm hoping for some insights. I've been dating a guy since around the middle of February. He broke up with his long term ex about a year ago but they spoke every day on the phone. He is still angry with her which suggests to me he still loves her and is not indifferent. Also, he hasn't removed her from his email list and he hasn't removed her number from his phone. When I asked him why he still leaves open ways for her to contact him he makes excuses saying maybe one of her daughters might need to get in touch about something but I pointed out they have his home number and they are in constant touch with his son so why does he need to keep open so many ways for her to get in touch. Also, he got a new phone recently and all other people have the number but he has an old nokia which she still has the number for and he refuses to get rid of it (makes feeble excuses). Nobody phones him on it except her. He says he told her 'f*ck off' and leave him alone so why has he kept that phone and why does he act shifty when I mention it. He said it is none of my business as he was with her for 7 years and only just knows me. On the one hand he slags her off calling her a 'b*tch' (he talks about his first wife like this too) and then on the other hand he talks about how educated she was and how beautiful she was etc. He himself is plain looking, 50 years old and seems to constantly criticise women. I have low self esteem and I'm not sure if I am reading him right. Is my low self esteem making me miss vital signs? Do you think he still loves this ex in some way? Also, does his behaviour suggest he might be abusive? I'm feeling down about all this especially his refusal to cut contact with the ex and even moreseo his seeming determination to keep OPEN channels where she can contact him. Re his ex, he seems to say one thing and do another! Apparently he gave her a card last year telling her he loved her but she was tquite cool about it cos he had dumped her earlier in the year. It sounds like he tried to go back to her earlier last year but she just kept him on as an FWB so he kind of hates her. ALso he was angry that was on dating sites and had met up with one of the guys. Apparently she loves him a lot and didn't want him to leave but just went dating because he had walked out and she was so upset but it's him she wants. HE says he wants a new start without her but then his actions say different. Oh I am so confused. I'm scared I've either started dating another loser or another one with complicated ex troubles! If they split up last Spring but were talking most days since then and saw each other over Xmas (but no sex apparently) what does all this mean. Also why is he so cagey about it all. Help! Thanks very much for reading this.
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broke up, his ex, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): you have self esteme problems yet is quick to label people losers. you are the better than nothing option for this man? if she changes her mind he`s out of your life anyway. who is the real loser here?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 February 2010):
I'm sorry to say that you do seem to have picked a man who has a serious problem with women in general, and certainly still has feelings for his ex one way or another. His outlook on women and the way he treats them and speaks of them leads me to suspect that he can be abusive. And certainly there is no reason at all for him to have a separate phone and all those ways of contact. If I were in your shoes I would end this now. You have admitted that you have low self esteem, and this will be what attracts you to him. Women with low self esteem have a terrible habit of dating guys who are beneath them. So end it with this guy, focus on your own life and really build your esteem up, then when you're ready, find a nice guy instead.
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