A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 21 years. The last three years have been quite challenging as my wife, who is 3 year older than me, is going through menopause and hormonal changes. I am empathetic and offer my support and encouragement as she goes through this physiological and biological challenge. Truly, we males can count our lucky stars that we don't get to go through this kind of biological torment.Here is my dilemma........ok,ok, ok.... it's not all about me, I get it. I am and do want to be that supportive husband to my wife of 21 plus years. I have remained faithful throughout the last 3 years of going through this. I can count on one the number of sex we've had within those 3 years. You can do the math. Not much numbers crunching needed. I enjoy sex and the intimacy. I enjoy foreplay more than the average guy because I savor the intimacy as it draws us closer to one another. The point is my wife is not interested in sex. Period. Even when we are intimate, she just wants to get it done. She doesn't like her neck kissed, does not like her breasts/nipples kissed; and refused to let me go down on her or even touch her down there. All she wants is Wham-Bam Thank You, Maam. Here is the kicker......a few days ago I initiate a dialogue to schedule our "time together". She blatantly told me to don't ask her (for sex) and that she will let me know when. Furthermore, she exclaimed, it "stresses" her out when I ask or initiate (for sex). And when I try to delve deeper to see why she feels that way. After all, isn't that what we should do to have open and honest communication? The response I get is it's because that she does not feel like it right now; and that she does not expect me to understand. But I do want to understand!!!! Help me out here.I truly want to be an understanding and supportive husband, but I am getting very frustrated.....both emotionally and sexually. Perhaps the next three years I can count on my other hand the number of times we will have sex. Am I asking too much for more?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017): I am right in the middle of this situation myself. My wife had a hysterectomy a number of years ago. Our sex life has trailed down steadily for the last five years, during 25 years of marriage.I have done tons of research and together we have taken multiple steps, including adjustments to her supplemental hormonal prescriptions, counseling, etc. We are about to undertake another round of counseling. Everyone has their own definition of the right amount/frequency of sex. We have had sex 50 times over the last 18 months. Some months 5 times, others just once. That's an average of 2.8 times a month. That's also an average of 1.44 times a week. I realize that's not exactly a "sexless marriage". It is though, far less than we used to. While I would prefer twice a week, there's more to it than that. Many of these 50 times have been my wife accommodating me, and I can tell she doesn't truly enjoy it. She mostly will do it out of love - because she knows that it is not just a physical need for me, but something I need to feel connected and loved. It often will leave me feeling hollow and guilty, because I want her to truly enjoy it, like we used to. Still, I am grateful.Based on my own experience, research, and struggles, I have a few comments for your situation:1. It is great that you are trying to be understanding and supportive. This is mandatory for there to be any hope. This is very difficult for your wife, I'm sure. At the same, you are not being selfish by being disappointed, frustrated, and feeling unfilled. Do not deny yourself of those very real feelings.2. It is a real problem that your wife is taking the recent approach that she doesn't want you to ask, and that she seems to be shutting down on any communication on the matter. It's a difficult enough situation to deal with, but communication aversion on the matter will be the kiss of death. I empathize with her from one perspective. When someone isn't motivated to remedy a problem, they will often dismiss it. Your wife may not be motivated to address it, simply because she no longer desires sex. Why would she be incented to fix something that she doesn't desire? I know with my wife, I have to gently push her to do her part in seeking a solution, rather than just settling for "this is the way it is". Because her physical desire has subsided, she has said to me that she "would be fine if she didn't have sex for the rest of her life". You must encourage your wife to reach outside of her physical state of feeling and reluctance, and work with you to seek solutions, out of respect and love for you. This will require you getting her to understand that this is a need you have that goes beyond just a physical one. Just like men often have a hard time understanding women's needs, you must get her to recognize that sex is also a way of a man feeling a love connection to his wife. Getting her to a place mentally where she is willing to partner with you in seeking a solution or improvement is essential. Be patient and loving, but be on task to getting her to understand this. 3. You need to recognize that there may ultimately not be a way to improve this for her. Sexual disparity (and sexless marriages) is a huge and pervasive condition in society today. And, it is a complex problem with a host of different reasons as the cause. No professionals or pharmaceutical company has yet figured out a clear and consistent fix to these challenges. While there are remedies and approaches that do provide improvement for couples, a majority of situations never get to a place of betterment. This undertaking will likely be a long one and even after a lengthy effort, you may find yourself in a place where it hasn't provided what you and her need. There may come a point where you determine simply that you will either live with it, or that you need to move on.Not trying to be gloomy here. In my case, I am determined to keep trying on multiple fronts. It is a worthy cause! I refuse to accept that this is the way it has to be (even though one of my wife's occasional comments is that many of her friends have no interest in sex with their husbands either). While this is a continuing source of frustration and unfulfillment for me, and it pressures our marriage, I will not leave my wife. I love her and although there are days I feel differently in the heat of emotion, I will stay committed to her and our marriage. No judgment on my part of you or anyone else in this type of situation who takes a different route.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 March 2017):
 I don't think you are asking for to much at all. I can see both sides off the story and off course it is frustrating when she will not open up to you so you could at least try and understand. I think you should seek therapy. I know it might sound drastic but I think it would benefit you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): That is fine to say I don't know what menopause is like- you are right I don't. But you know what else? You don't know what it is like for HIM either, so I think it is presumptuous to "snort" at his proclamation that he has remained faithful. That's more than a little condescending and unnecessary when he is trying to understand his wife as best he can. I mean no disrespect to you or to the poster's wife, but I do think my previous advice still stands. The poster cannot possibly be expected to live indefinitely in a sexless marriage! Yes I do have friends and parents who have made it through the hurdle of menopause without shutting off their relationship completely. What the poster's wife is doing is extreme. She could still find ways to pleasure him at least SOMETIMES, at least OCCASIONALLY, if she wanted to work on the marriage. Again I mean no disrespect, but there are women who suffer worse things than menopause, there are women going through cancer who lose one or both breasts and have to find ways to rediscover their sexuality again. There are women who suffer that along with menopause. And, without going into my personal or family history, I have seen it happen with great emotional effort to rebuild and remain close with a partner. I understand that menopause is physical AND emotional, but so are many many things, depression, serious illness...there will be many things that life throws at us at every stage. You have to find ways to cope as a couple, if you plan to remain a couple. I am not advocating that this man become insensitive to his wife's struggle, what I am saying is that they need to work on it TOGETHER. It isn't an easy thing for either of them. But she CAN get physical help (doctor's prescriptions) and counselling for emotional issues. If she truly does not plan on having sex again in this marriage then it WILL become a sham as the decades go by. In order for the desire to come back, she has to want to find ways to rebuild intimacy as well. The poster sits and waits patiently for "3, 4 and 5 months" hoping that his wife will desire him again. He HAS to have a talk with her and get help or this is going nowhere good. Less than 2% of all marriages are sexless (which is defined as no sex or ALMOST no sex- so this man's case). SO, what this man is dealing with is rare even for the menopausal stage of life. I think we can respect that he is going through a real struggle and needs to get help with a trained counsellor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): As a woman who suffered endometriosis and is now experiencing menopause I can tell you there is NO comparison . Menopause is a combination of EXTREME physical and emotional changes on a level that I could never have even imagined in my younger years so yes I can understand why someone who has t yet experienced menopause would fail to understand how it is for your wife
I think you are best off listening to women who have actually been where she is now as they are the only ones who truly know what it's like
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Wow I do feel for you. I think the previous posters are being way too harsh on you.Everything you say shows you are trying to be empathetic and understanding. Marriage is a two way street and just because your wife is going through a really tough time doesn't mean she has the right to close off to you completely, refuse to communicate and shut down sex almost completely (you say you can count the number of times in 3 years on one hand, so that is about sex 1-2 times a year)Sorry but a marriage relationship involves sexual elements, otherwise it is just a friendship. The other women on here can deny this all they want, but you know what if the shoe was on the other foot and their husbands would only make love to them once a year they would be singing a different tune. It is incredibly difficult for a male OR female when the other partner suddenly goes frigid. I don't think this is all about menopause either...I understand sex becomes painful, but you two could find other ways to be sexual, she could pleasure you with hand jobs or in other ways if penetration is too painful. If you love your partner you try to compromise and fulfill their needs, just like they would for you. Don't let anyone on here tell you any different. Besides, if sex is that painful and/or she has completely no drive, she should be seeking medical advice. There are things that can make it more comfortable, such as lubricant cream with some hormones in it. Her sex drive may not be the same but she can build up desire with the right mindset...she has to WANT to find ways to feel sexual...you two can explore together and find new adventurous sides...Before the women on here say I am too young to understand, I DO understand sexual difficulties...it is not just menopause, but other medical conditions can make sex painful and uninviting such as endometriosis....so YES I have been there, but unlike your wife who just shuts you down completely, I have found ways to make it work because guess what I love my partner. You two need to go to marriage counselling. Sit your wife down and say you realize she is going through a difficult time, but that this is a very serious issue for you as well. Explain that you are not sure your marriage could survive another 3 years of having your needs shut down and feeling like she doesn't love you. Ask her to please go to marriage counselling with you. Here you can explore the psychological and physiological problems and try to find solutions. If she is not willing to do this, I would think she really isn't invested in this marriage. And you SHOULD be proud that you have remained faithful for 3 years of no sex. That is a huge accomplishment, so I don't know why those women are snorting at you. It would be one thing to ask someone to go without sex for a couple of months, but THREE YEARS?!?!? A loving partner doesn't do that to their spouse, unless they are literally on their death bed OR really old age. You are not a priest, you need your wife to step up to the plate and meet your needs at least SOME of the time. Menopause is something that all women go through, it is not a disease. I guarantee you that most continue to have sex with their husbands, even if less frequently. If she is too sensitive in places to be touched, that is fine, but at least she could touch you. Surely that is not asking for too much. No, I think she is taking this menopause way too far. Maybe she IS suffering from depression from the change, but she honestly has to TRY to resolve the issues or this will become a sham marriage if you go ...6...10... years without sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Thank you for your responses. Your insight is most appreciate. Life is more than about sex. There is emotional connectivity and affirmation. Sex is the icing on the proverbial cake when things click. It is the enjoyment of our union. I do enjoying dating my wife and holding hands; and all the non-sexual things. It is what keeps us connected and balanced when the sex is not there. From your response it sounds like I was demanding sex each and every day. I do not demand; I politely ask.........and will defer for a long period of time so that I do not give the appearance of being overzealous. And when 3, 4, or 5 months lapse, I will take a chance to politely ask again.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 March 2017):
 You're asking for too much. It's not your fault, but it's not hers either. I understand that it's difficult to go through for you, but it is *so* much worse for her.
You married her, so you either go through this and bear it, or give up. I know you don't want to give up, but she can't change how she feels right now and menopause can go on for years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Oh boy yes I'm another woman in your wife's exact position. I too snorted about the credit that you gave yourself for staying faithful . If only our husbands understood how hard it is for US to stay faithful when going through the this menopause thing . Not because of the sex , God knows my sex drive is low at times but the desire for emotional affair and affirmation that I'm still an attractive desirable woman is overwhelming.My husband wanting to have sex with me does not confirm my desirability as I see him looking at younger women and he likely imagines them if having sex with me as he also lives porn with them So no I feel totally undesirable . I need to hear him actually say it . I'm seriously considering leaving my husband after 25 years of marriage just so I can feel alive again Menopause is hell !!!! Men have no idea
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 March 2017):
 I know you say you are trying to understand but you clearly do NOT understand what your wife is going through. Trust me, menopause is no walk in the park. It can be HELL for some women. Not only do they have to come to terms with losing their fertility (which can make them feel old, unattractive and useless), the hormonal changes often completely kill their sex drive. And let's not even start with the hot flushes. (Try walking into a freezer for 5 mins, then straight into a sauna for 5 mins, then back into the freezer and you will get half a clue what it feels like.)You are clearly one of those men who sees sex as affirmation that your wife loves you. She DOES love you. Her body just cannot enjoy sex at the moment. This has NOTHING to do with YOU. The fact she just wants to get sex over with as quickly as possible shows she is just doing it for you and that she is not enjoying it. You say you miss the intimacy but wearing her down until she agrees to have sex is not real intimacy, is it? How can it be when she is just lying there, waiting for you to finish? Show her you love her by cuddling her without pushing for sex. Now more than ever she needs you to support her in a NON-SEXUAL way. Understand that consenting sex is off the menu for the time being. You married your wife for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Although this is not "sickness" as such, it is a medical condition which prevents her feeling sexual. I snorted when I read that you are giving yourself credit for staying faithful during these 3 years. Sir, you are an adult. If you feel frustrated, sort yourself out. Find new ways to feel close to your wife that do not include having sex. Understand she CANNOT feel sexually at the moment. This will probably pass (takes different lengths of time for different women) but the memory of you cajoling, blackmailing or coercing her into sex will NOT pass. I suggest you sit down with your wife, tell her you are not going to pressure her into having sex until she wants it (and actually mean that!) and say you don't want to lose the intimacy between you so ask her for lots of cuddle time (in bed and out). Show her you care by helping her round the house (many women feel very tired during menopause). Take her out for dinner occasionally so she has reason to dress up. Tell her she looks beautiful (without pawing her and expecting sex in return). I promise you, in time your support will pay dividends. Play the long game.
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