A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I doing the right thing or not? My boyfriend and I have been together about 15 months. He is so great in every aspect but one: we fight a lot, and when we fight he becomes someone I barely recognise. At the beginning of our relationship, it wasn't that bad. We had the occasional fight, and I thought it was good that we could fight and make up. We always made up and it used to bring us closer and we understood each other better. Then we had a period where I couldn't see him for 4 months. We talked on the phone a lot, and I saw him on webcamera, but it's like we slid apart, and the fights occuried more often. On routine almost, every two weeks. We had planned for a good while to move in together, and thats what we did. I guess I thought that the fighting was because we had been separated for 4 months, but that when we'd be together again it'd be the happiest times of our lives. We had so many plans. And again, on the good days he's all I ever wanted in a man. Kind, loving, handsome, fun and smart, charming, safe, sexy, trustworthy, all in all marriage material and I could see myself marrying him. We even talked about marriage and he felt the same way. But as soon as the second day after I moved in with him we had a major fight. And he turned his ugly side to me, and I thought to myself "how can I live with him forever.. I cant". After about a week I broke it off. But then when he calmed down, he's the loving man I love with all my heart again, and I forgave all. Now the fighting has spiralled and is every day. Every day I am in tears. So I ended it again. I guess I am asking: am I doing the right thing by leaving a man who has everything I ever wanted, but who has this one flaw? Or should I be patient, hope that we adjust to each other, hope that he learns how to control his anger? He gets hysterical when he is upset and angry, like a child throwing a tantrum. It is impossible to talk to him when he gets this way. Im no angel in return, I get so angry with his stubbornness and when he refuses to listen because he is so angry. We hurt each other, but then also love each other so much. So when is it enough? We have talked about marriage, and I keep thinking that even if we were happy now, got married, we would run into bumps on the way and could be fighting a lot in years to come, and while I can leave him now, I wouldn't be able to if we were married. So if we were married, we'd have to sort it out. So should we work for this and try and sort things out? Is there hope, or is this a sign that we have to split up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Thank you everyone. We have had discussions about his anger and he fully accepts responsibility. We had a long, calm talk today about what happened last night, and he takes full blame. I feel awkward about it since if he is to blame, there is nothing I can really do to change the situation. But yes he accepts that he has an issue. From what he's told me he used to be worse. Never hit anyone, but he got his revenge on an ex who cheated on him by peeing in the tank of her car. Things like that. Right after I moved in with him we had a fight where he threw his jacket at the wall, he also usually "hovers" over me (leaning over) with arms crossed in a very threatening pose. I've confronted him about this "hovering" several times after a fight and it has improved. I know I have to be firm and realize that what I see is what I get. He promises me he will work on it and I know he feels horrible for doing this to me. Once he is calm after a fight he is always the sweetest, most caring, very sorry and it is so hard not to forgive. Im going to look at the links Tisha gave me, hopefully they can give me some perspective.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 Does he perceive that he has a problem? Is he willing to work with you on this?
If yes, then there are counselors that could help you two learn to fight in a productive way. In any relationship, there is going to be some disagreement or conflict. The healthy ones have figured out how to manage the conflict or disagreement without turning it into World War III. There are rules about fighting, and what both of you have to do is to commit to following them, even when you are angry. There might need to a be a cooling off period before you two can interact and discuss the disagreement.
Now if he flies off the handle and cannot control his rage, then he has something else going on and he'll need anger management treatment.
Do you see why it's important that he sees it as a problem and wants to change? Because if he doesn't, you are going nowhere. In which case, I would advise leaving.
Just for safety's sake, please run your relationship through this checklist and make sure you are in something worth saving to begin with. Okay?
http://www.domesticviolence.org/what-is-abuse/
This next link you have to copy/paste because of the "?" but it is quite an eye-opening read.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
Here's a brief list of rules for fighting fair:
NOT ALLOWED: name calling; unreasonable requests; low blows; bringing up old, resolved issues; words like 'always' or 'never' or 'you make me feel...'; violence or not listening to the other partner
ALLOWED: honest expression of feelings; a small amount of pouting; words like 'when x happens, I feel...'
RECOMMENDED: repeating what the partner has just shared with you back to the partner, so that you can demonstrate that you've understood the feeling; holding hands or touching during the discussion
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So, there's a start, let us know if you have talked to him about his anger and his expression of his feelings.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
 I would suggest you don't get back together with him. His big flaw is a big one its aggression, violence, anger, tantrums, tell him to get anger management and domestic classes. You can't move forward with this type of behavior. The aggression will just get bigger and than physical, why put yourself in this situation, while you still can run, run. Asking him to seek help is the best you can you for him, if he loves you he will accept the help, and do know this is a long process. If you choose to ignore these warning sign you might be putting yourself at risk.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 The one flaw you find in him is the visible expression of much deeper issues. The proverbial "tip of the iceberg". If those issues don't come to light and don't get solved, things will only worsen. You are doing the right thing.
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