A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been thrown for a loop, and am in need of opinions and advice... I fear I may be reading too far into this (as I have a tendency to do).The backstory: This guy and I share a few mutual friends, and have known each other (only to say hi, not very well) for around 3 years. From the few times we've been around each other I know he is extremely outgoing, in a quirky sort of way; he says whatever is on his mind, and can make anyone laugh. However, I'm pretty good at reading people and I've got the impression that it may be somewhat of a front. Recently, through my roommate, this guy has been around a lot more than usual; he has been going through a bit of a rough patch, and my roomie is his good friend. I only ever talked to him randomly in social situations before. He had some medical stuff going on, and I decided to text him to ask how he was doing. We made boring small talk for a bit, and I said if he ever needed someone to talk to about it I was a good listener. He never replied, and I thought maybe I had pried too far. A couple days later I was outside my house and he drives by, when he sees me he pulls over abruptly and gets out to talk (about nothing noteworthy ... typical "what's up", and talking about the weather - yes, really). I noticed he was hardly looking at me when we were talking... he looked mostly to his left, or at the ground. He also fidgeted lots. I asked if he was there to see my roommate, and he said no. Then my friend comes out of the house and he backs away a few steps. They know each other also (not well), and he has no problem making normal eye contact with her. He asks when my roomie will be home (even though he knows, because they text often). He then says "well, have fun", turns, and leaves. I didn't find any of this really odd until my friend pointed it out to me (she had been observing for a while before she came outside).The next day he and my roomie are hanging out in town together, and usually he goes home after. This time he came inside. His behaviour was off... he went from being completely zoned out in his phone, to talking about random things that were all over the place and had nothing to do with anything (his delivery of them was hilarious, he had me in stitches). Like the day before though, when he was talking to me specifically, he wouldn't look at me. I'm sorry this has been so long, now to my question...Did I do something to put him off? Should I not have texted and asked how he was? On one hand, I feel like he is avoiding me because I make him uncomfortable. On the other, if that was the case then why did he bother to stop and talk?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015):
You offered to be listener, that was a compassionate thing to do, there was nothing wrong with doing that. That would normally be welcomed, and from what you have written, I do not see that you did something to put him off. You wonder if he is trying to avoid you, but in the last two instances where he talked to you, it appears that he went out of his way to get in position to be able to talk to you. So it appears to be more the opposite, he wants to talk to you.
But when he talks to you his behavior appears evasive and the topics are trivial. It is impossible to be certain, but possibly there is something he wants to tell you or talk about with you, but he is having a lot of difficulty in getting it out or he wants to talk about it with you alone. There are many possibilities, but it may be about the illness you mentioned or maybe about the relationship he has or would like with you.
If you are truly want to be his friend (and I believe you do, otherwise you would not be raising these questions), perhaps you could help him. Try to find or arrange a time when you can have a private conversation with him. If he continues to be evasive, you take the initiative and say something along these lines: “John, you don’t seem to be yourself these days - is everything okay?” He may brush that off, but you should be persistent: “John I’m your friend, I told you I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” Or “Sometimes I get the feeling you are avoiding me.” Or “I get the feeling that something is wrong, something is not right.” I anticipate that you will have to be very persistent to get him to open up. You will have to trust your intuition to decide if he is being truthful, if he has told you the whole story, when to quit, and how to react to how and what he says to you. Be determined beforehand that you will do your best to get to the root of the problem and that you will behave in a mature adult way throughout your conversation, no matter how he reacts or what he says.
If it turns out he has a problem, you don’t have to own the problem too, but rather help and support him as a friend. If it turns out to involve the relationship between you and him, then it might be best for you to have thought about that beforehand, so that you can maturely, clearly and honestly respond. Hopefully it does not turn out to be a serious problem. It may turn out to be absolutely nothing! But it will have given both of you a chance to have an open, adult discussion that will clarify where you and he stand and that will hopefully lead to more adult conversations in the future. Don’t worry about him perceiving you as prying, take a chance to do this and it’s much more likely that he will be grateful to know that he has a friend who cares about him.
All the best.
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