A
male
age
41-50,
*0812
writes:First, to anyone who may read this I hope your holidays are going great...also want to thank everyone who answered my question last week regarding the same person...it was very very helpful. My question now is am I dealing with a true sociopath? and what should I do? or is all this just me?...I'm starting to worry.To start I have been dating a woman (until last weekend) who without a doubt has been using me for money, favors, sex etc...Looking back I realize everything I did for her was never appreciated...I have given her thousands of dollars, bought numerous gifts, taken her on vacations, been there for her in times of need, taken care and watched over her child and just, at least in my opinion, given everything of who I am and what I have away...I was in love with her, but never felt or shall I say, never really knew how she felt about me.The issue I'm having is that she was often very cold, emotionless and always made it clear how I "don't do anything" for her. In return, I would push and push with gifts and favors because I felt maybe I'm really not doing enough...I really started to doubt myself as a person (still am at times because this all ended only a week ago) and have been in a state of confusion, guilt, anxiety and depression for more than a year.A short while ago a friend mentioned she may be a sociopath, but at the time, I didn't take what he was telling me too serious...I was just concerned about what can I do to make myself a better person for her. Anyway, I eventually started to read and educate myself a little on sociopaths in relationships. What I found was shocking, but I know I am not qualified to diagnose anyone let alone it is hard enough for a doctor to do the same. She also had a thing for pinching me really hard when I "annoyed" her. The problem is is that she wouldn't let go even breaking my skin at times. Many times this was done in public and in addition, she would not stop until I apologized for things I didn't even know why I should feel sorry for. I remember having a bad anxiety and asthma attack last year in which she never asked if I was ok, but rather, just watched me with no emotion like she was bored...almost like she wasn't aware that was having trouble...but she surely did.To shorten my question up a bit a week ago I lost my ability to hold my anger and words back and said some really bad and inappropriate things to her (called her "trash," "bad person" and a "piece of _ _ _ _") resulting in us breaking everything off (I am not proud of how I handled the situation but what's done is done). So the week went by until Christmas day when she showed up unexpectedly at my house. She was smiling, hugging and putting on a charm for my mother, but I could tell it was fake (like when she wanted something before she would always act really sweet and charming). Before she left my house she asked my mother if she wanted some home cooked food and because my mother is a very nice person she said yes. Later she came back with the food gave it to me and said "this plate is for your mom only" then told me merry christmas. I felt and feel like she intentionally tried to get on my mothers good side and ruin my Christmas by making me feel isolated and degraded (I may be wrong and/or insecure but it all just seemed so out of place).So my question is to anyone who has ever dealt with a sociopath or knows about them, does this sound like one to you? and if she is what should I do?...or is this all me? are my insecurities in the way and making me see things incorrectly?...I'm confused. I know that if she is then she is sick and can't help it, but I also know they are capable of terrible things...it has made me a little worried. I also just found out a few days ago she was denied a job due to what they labeled as "psychological unfitness." I'm not sure what it all means, but any answers or advice would help tremendously...thank you for taking the time to read such a long question.
View related questions:
christmas, insecure, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 She very well may be a sociopath. Sociopaths are known for manipulation, callousness, and conflict while addressing victimization for themselves. They are never wrong, and if they are, they will make you pay for it, as it IS your fault. They show no remorse for the things they have done, and will oftentimes make things worse before they will allow them to get better.My fiance's ex-girlfriend was the same way. She was very manipulative with emotions and sex. She would pitch fits out of no where to have a little bit of drama going at all times. When he would fight back at all, she would begin sobbing and take off just to make him go after her. If they were ever in an argument that she felt she was losing, she would begin crying or would initiate sex with him as a way of getting out of it. She slept around a lot whenever they were on a break, and cheated on him several times, once with a girl. She was a drug addict and an alcoholic and began going to AA Meetings with his older sister at the age of 16. She would pretend to get clean, but then would lie and go behind his back to do them. She even blamed a few of his friends for "making" her do them. He broke a few friendships over this. When she didn't get the attention she wanted from him, she would throw fits. She once almost broke his guitar. She threw a tantrum at his birthday party once because he "wasn't paying her enough attention". If ever he would try to break up with her for good, she would threaten suicide or self-harm, or she would belittle him to make him think he couldn't get anyone else. She refused to wear condoms as they "irritated her skin", and lied about using the Nuva Ring to try and trap him in a pregnancy with her. When he finally did end things, she sliced her wrist open with a kitchen knife out of desperation to keep him. Only two weeks later, she was sleeping with someone else, and that next month she was pregnant. She tried for months to make my fiance think it was his, but he wouldn't believe it until he a blood test was taken. She called him for months on end until finally he changed his number. As far as I know, the father of her child has left her twice and now has a house with another girl. She's still single and doing drugs and drinking. She doesn't have a job, and she dropped out of highschool in tenth grade. So she's probably still manipulating people to get what she needs for her and her son. I know that one guy she dated paid for her phone until he broke up with her.I'd suggest that, now that you've officially broken up with her, DO NOT go back. She's a terrible person and won't change for anyone. You need to forget about her and move on to find someone who will love you and reciprocate the love that you give. DO NOT contact her again, and if she tries to contact you again, ignore her, block her, or change your number. If you're afraid for her child, call Child Protective Services and have it taken from her. If she feigns love for you or remorse over the breakup, don't believe it. Just cut all ties. I promise you, it will be for the better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): She shows all the behaviors of my ex bf and he's a sociopath. Report her to social services for the sake of the child then get away from her for good or your life will go to pieces. Don't stay.
...............................
A
male
reader, sexdude +, writes (27 December 2010):
I don't know, if she is a sociopath. We both know that she is a complete bitch. Your instincts were correct. Best to get rid of her for good. Sometimes, people really need to hear the truth. You told her, but she still came back for more. She even had the balls, to mess with your mom. You should start going out to the bar, and try to meet other women. Or if that's not your thing. Join a singles group, through your religious denomination. Anything, just stay away from her. I've been where you're at before. Believe me, it didn't end well. The next time she shows up. Tell her that you met someone else. That your new girlfriend plays in the WNBA; and will kick her ass. Tell her that you figured out that you're gay. Tell her that your balls caught fire. Whatever you do. Kick that manipulative bitch to the curb.
...............................
A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Those who show symptoms or have been diagnosed as psychopaths, sociopaths, or narcissists, are able to make the very better of first impressions. They have the ability to fool many, including professionals, and are excellent in acting in any situation. Their true personality is one that is deceitful, lacks responsibility, self-centered, is without empathy, remorse, or conscience of anything they do or say. They tend to see themselves as above all other people and can be grandiose in their behavior. Some have stated that they have a “God-like” feeling about themselves. They are often arrogant and cruel to those when they feel they aren’t being appreciated in the way that they deem they are deserving. Psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists all fall under the heading of antisocial personality disorders, but only a trained doctor or therapist can distinguish between them. Since you do not know for sure which one she could be, I will just say APD for antisocial personality disorder. Note that some clinicians may use the term psychopath and sociopath interchangeably. Narcissism would be on the low end of the antisocial personality disorder scale and do not usually involve violence. Psychopaths/Sociopaths are more prone to violent behavior. Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killer, was a noted narcissist sociopath.The narcissist/sociopath/psychopath has no remorse or empathy for any of their actions, they will view any situation where they are the victim and are unable to see any negative action from them as damaging or hurtful to others or in a relationship. They truly believe they never commit any wrong –doing, and will feel blameless for any problems in your relationship. They seek only total admiration from others, and will make anyone who does not put them on a pedestal “pay” for their lack of treating them like an idol. Manipulation is a key part of their daily lives. The ultimate goal is to be adored and will seek praise at all times. Anything that would harm their image becomes the enemy and they will go to great lengths to maintain their imagined self-importance.Breaking up with a narcissist, or psychopath/sociopath will be a painful one. By embarrassing them and damaging their ego, they will find your action to be unforgivable. The behavior your stated that happened on Christmas is not unusual when the person with APD feels they have been attacked and need retribution. They will act out any scene they think is appropriate to discredit you and portray you as a deceitful, hurtful person. This includes family members, co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Character assassination is a common part of the APD’s behavior. APD people will often harass, stalk, physically threaten, and assault those around them. They may create socially embarrassing situations by causing dramatic situations, threaten suicide, or create scenarios in which they claim you have physically assaulted them. Since their acting skills are superb, the police departments may buy their accusation. If you refuse to answer their phone calls, you may suddenly find the police or ambulance at your door to check on your wellbeing as they have called 911 stating their concern. Their aim is to make you pay for avoiding them.Because those with APD have no concern for your feelings or situation, they are not above causing splits and arguments within families, having you fired from your job, harassed by police or other authoritative agencies, having your utilities cut off, or causing your friends to back away. You have already identified that this woman has a problem, and has physically harmed you, attempted to cause conflict with your family, and has been indifferent and mean to you. You need to run, not walk away from this relationship. You cannot help her with APD. Many refuse to get help even when they have been given the diagnosis. You do not want to wait and see how much more damage she can cause. Cutting off all communication with her is your best move. Just be aware that she may try to retaliate in some manner.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): She could be a sociopath or a narcissist. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter because it sounds like she is bad news either way.
I think you are somehow unhealthily attached to her. Giving gifts and affection to someone who doesn't reciprocate is not healthy. It sounds like maybe you want someone who doesn't really want you. Someone who sits and watches you have an asthma attack with no emotion and without offering help and concern is definitely not normal.
You need to not have contact with her imo. Just cut things off and tell her not to show up at your house uninvited.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Oh my god dude, I have been in some fucked up relationships, but yours sounds really serious.
Okay, you did the right thing ending the relationship, don´t worry about the harsh words you told her, that is nothing compared to the harm she is trying to do to you. Just think about yourself and heal yourself from this harmful relationship.
My older brother was in a relationship with a woman that was bipolar and a lot of the things you described sound very similar to a person who is bipolar, she could also be a sociopath as you say, ether way, that is something you do not want in your life.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
So I recommend that you keep her far away from yourself and your family.
I know it is hard when you just ended something, you have mixed feelings and confusion, but trust me, the pain of leaving will fade away with time
and you will be happy again, and you will meet someone who appreciates you and loves you the same way you will love and appreciate that person.
This is important!
TRUE LOVE IS HARMONY, EQUALITY, UNDERSTANDING AND CARING.
When you leave someone, If you loved them, you will brake it to them
in a kind manner, you will explain why so that they understand, and you will
give that person the personal space and time to heal before you try to make
contact again to be friends or similar. That is showing that you CARE.
This woman you are talking about is SELFISH, has no EMPATHY and is
VINDICTIVE.
She does not deserve your love or caring or attention.
To truly love someone you must first love yourself, and that is what
you did when you got pist of and let her have it!
that is you saying ENOUGH!
So the next time somebody disrespects you and you don´t defend yourself, ask yourself, is this im doing really loving myself? If the answer is "NO" then you know what has to be done!
Make her understand! that you dont take crap from nobody!
And remember, it is better to be alone than to be with someone
who doesn´t love you. Because to be alone is to be with yourself
and who loves you more than yourself? =)
So in other words to truly love someone, you must love yourself =)
Good for you man, you started loving yourself, So dont worry about it
and continue forward to a brighter future.
Okay dude, I hope I was able to help, I am going threw a rough patch myself so I know how difficult it can be to end a relationship. And Im sorry if I got a little preachy and exited, but reading your story really pisses me off! Im tired of selfish people taking advantage of "the nice guy". I take it personally because I am a nice guy myself. No more mr Nice Guy, its time to love yourself, be happy and make others happy.
Merry Christmas and a happy new year =)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Hi there, I'm not sure exactly what you need to know here but maybe get a little support. She is crazy, plain and simple as that. Who cares if she is technically a sociopath or not? She probably has severely retarded social and communication skills. Frankly, it's sad but it is not your job to fix her and there is absolutely nothing saying she can be fixed. I don't think you mentioned even one redeeming quality about her. Tell her you're not interested and tell your mother that you are no longer seeing her and for her not to come over if she ever contacts you again. If crazy does call and your mom actually does continue to see this woman then your mom is maybe crazy as well. If that's the case, inform your mother you will not be coming by.
In any event, stop wasting your time, get on with your life. This woman milked you, take it as a lesson learned. Start having higher standards for yourself and higher self-esteem. At the end of the day, you allowed this woman to treat you this way. In terms of you letting a few expletives loose, don't worry about it. From the sounds of things, she deserved a hell of a lot more. There's probably a good reason why she's single to begin with. Seriously, just don't waste your time with this one. You owe her nothing. If anything, she owes you, and there isn't anything she is selling that you want.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): It sounds like your assessment of the situation is correct. Be glad you are rid of her. (and if you are not rid of her do what you need to do to be rid of her.) She sounds like a whacko.
...............................
A
female
reader, needlesandpinsuh +, writes (27 December 2010):
It sounds like there's no reason for you to be in this relationship anymore. You feel that you give everything and receive nothing but cruelty back. You should get out! Sociopath or no, she is unfit to be in a loving relationship with you, and her abusive pinching and non- emotive viewing of your anxiety attack, and her extreme "switch" of character from instance to social instance, her obvious falseness and scheming, is more than enough reason to rethink your attachment to her. I can't diagnose her (who can?), but she could probably benefit from therapy or lifestyle change or psychiatric aid, but must be willing to cooperate first. It is difficult to force a person to help themselves, especially when the motive behind your urgings is your own happiness. Do you want this for her or for you? Who did you fall in love with? What has changed in her since then? Is she completely not the same person she was? Think about what might be the root of this. We cannot merely observe the physical surface of behaviours and make assumptions... what stirs them? Seeming non- emotion on the surface can be masking something volcanic in feeling beneath. The explanations/excuses/self- observations a person makes of themselves are not always so spot- on... if she does start therapy and medication, you and other living mates will be the ones asked to observe changes in her, because patients are often unable to finger precisely the difference themselves, if any beyond sugar pill effect. Multiple opinions/perspectives are Always needed, in addition to the patient's self- gauged rating of their happiness and well- being.
In the future, it's important to never think gifts are bandages to relationship strife... they are empty in meaning and will be received as such if they are given as such. They oughtn't be "thrown" at a person or problem, if you catch what I mean. Were you taking care of her with her needs and true wants or trying to impress her with excess... does the girl with everything need anything more if not truly special or heartfelt? Note reactions to your generosity or thoughtfulness... if they are wooden... why give again and again... space it out a little.. don't throw twigs on a forest fire...
...............................
A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Hi,
When I read this, at first I thought I wrote it.
In short: I have been in a similar relationship this past year which also recently ended, and which all my friends, a psychologist and an insightful lady here on DearCupid deemed as a destructive relationship...with a sociopath. Given my quick education in sociopaths, I do think you have been dealing with one.
Like you, when I failed to "fill" her desires with money, gifts, energy and time, I thought it was my fault. When I caught her lying (to my face, looking in my eyes), I forgave her. When she would do things which lacked empathy, like yelling at me in public, running away from me when it started to rain when I was carrying a lot of stuff, breaking appointments with me at the last minute to see other people, etc. I thought I was at fault. Like you, I sometimes blew up at her, and got very angry, but it just served as a chance for her to manipulate me further.
And then, like you mention, when I considered that she was a sociopath, I even felt sorry for her--misunderstanding the nature of a sociopath.
You see, as you may know by now, a sociopath by definition is a person that can NEVER be satisfied. He or she does not view people like you or I, as humans with needs, but rather as objects to further their own ravenous desires. They have no or very little consciences. The only thing they respect is a force more powerful than they, like punishment by the law. They do not respond to kindness, and in fact, view it as a chance to manipulate further.
Yes, j0812, I do think your ladyfriend was a sociopath. You must understand though, that as hard as it is for a good person like yourself to realize, there is nothing you can do for them. A psychologist I spoke to just today told me that sociopaths are their hardest and saddest cases because there is no hope for change. Usually a sociopath does not even come in for counseling, but when they do, the most they can learn is how to mimic proper social behavior, since they can never change their orientation to other people and life.
Believe me, this is hard for me to swallow as well. But I have seen this unfortunately in this girl I knew this past year, and the more I did, the more she used me (and was using others too).
What I have been trying to understand is why, with all the more giving and compassionate people out there, I was drawn to her. Maybe that is something you might ask yourself, since you obviously have so much to offer a non-sociopathic woman.
Happy holidays and best wishes for healing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): People that live with someone in the gray areas of a personality disorder are so immersed in semantics that it is hard to tell you whether this person is a true sociopath or not. People seem to think that as long as they are not murdering someone and using their skin to make clothes from, you are free and clear.True sociopathy and all the fringe disorders can be so subtle to outsiders, and those afflicted are like shape shifters when others are around, that you and only you can decide if this person suffers from a disordered mind. Using this criteria it does not matter if you are qualified to diagnose or not.You just have to ask yourself if life with this person is slowly unraveling your peace of mind. If so then I think it is safe to say that getting away from this toxic person is justifiable.From what I read I think you should get the hell away from her. Chalk all your losses up as an investment towards schooling about the kind of person you want to avoid in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 hi i hope you don't let this woman get you back, as i am sure she'll try to, when she wants someone's feelings to play around with again. Does it matter if she is a sociopath or not? Will giving her a label make any difference really? i am very concerned about her child. it sounds as if she does have a personality disorder of some sort although i think the only person who could confirm for definate what this is would be a psychologist after a thorough assessment, so therefore i would not get too bogged down in trying to work out what is her problem. just please try and get over this relationship, i hope you keep the strength to not go back to her because she's got absolutely no respect for you! like i say though, its a worry that she has a child and i think that needs addressing especially if you had any concerns AT ALL while you were still involved in their lives i mean if she would be abusive and cruel to you but nice in front of other people then who knows how she is treating her kidxx
...............................
A
female
reader, SweetindianGirl +, writes (26 December 2010):
well do not label her as a sociopath. Does it ever occur to you that you barely know her, and she has already met your mother!!! thats just too much, no matter how old you are. So do i think she's a sociopath, from studying psychology, NO. i think that she is angry and feels bad for you realizing what she has done, therefore had come over to be nice to you and in that sense sucked up to the mother, and got brownie points from her. However, you were left feeling sad and upset, because you feel you shouldn't have said those things. I'll tell you one thing i learned when i was around 10, say what's on your mind, sure it will hurt some people, sometimes, but once you said it, you said it. You meant it So you said it. People don't say things they don't mean. It's how you felt. Our subconscious holds thoughts, and you spoke it.Don't feel bad. If she's nice keep her as a friend.
...............................
|
