A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been together with my partner for 4 years. We recently got married and I have found out that he has visited a massage parlour/brothel for massage and "happy endings". After initially denying it, he has admitted, after I found a website of the place on his phone, that he has been 3 times in the last four years.He previously visited them in past relationships when things went wrong. Since finding this out we have seperated. I love him very much and he is totally sorry and devastated about his behaviour and ensures me he loves me very much. He is looking in to councelling and is desperately asking for me to reconsider and "help" him through this.Looking back, I guess I have taken him slightly for granted in our relationship, working away a lot, but this is no excuse for his behaviour.We have both confessed that we hadn't made enough quality time for each other and that now we have been honest with each other it is a relief. Our sex life is good, but again more effort could have been made especially on my part.The problem is the betrayal of trust. The fact that he had this secret. He has ensured me that no full sex has occurred and that he has told me everything (the amount of time he has been there etc). I urged him to be honest (even if it was worse), as councelling will only work if you go forward with total honesty.After asking why, he said the reasons for going were initially excitment, having a secret place of his own to disappear to and and element of self distruction.He accepts it was wrong, decietful and is full of remorse. He has told members of his family too.I'm taking time out to consider the future. In my mind it is over, but could with marriage therapy/councelling there be a chance to trust him again in the future and carry on to have possibly a stronger in relationship in the future?Am I crazy to think we could ever recover from this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Your partner is a retard for ever telling or admitting to you that he did these things. That alone gets a kick to the curb for not having the common sense to be a better liar, or cover his tracks better. I mean really, doesn't he care enough about your feelings to cover up behavior he had to know would be this disturbing to you?
Let's be clear about one thing, he will always, always, always have a tendency or desire to do this type of thing. Move on and let him peddle his BS on some other poor woman, or maybe find one that doesn't have a problem with him getting a hand job from a stranger. You don't need this emotional baggage in your relationship.
There is another guy out there willing to treat you with the respect and commitment you deserve as a spouse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Ha! Why are women so lenient with their men? Honey, if it was me he'd have been kicked to the curb that same night I found out from him. This is just plain wrong and it is CHEATING. You don't CHEAT on your partner. You talk it out with them. If nothing works, then you LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. But you don't CHEAT. Sorry for your luck, but it's time to tell the man goodbye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I think you are totally over reacting. It sounds as if you don't want to ever let this go, and that there will be no end to you exacting your "pound of flesh.".
Either let this go, or let him go. You should not ruin the rest of his life because he got a few hand jobs from a masseuse. After all, if it's ok for her to give pleasure touching him everywhere else, what's the dif I'd
F she spends a minute or two on his u know what? In my book, this wouldn't rise anywhere to the level of actual cheating, or even having an emotional affair with someone
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): My spouse and I have been there. Not from physical cheating, but because of an emotional affair. After being together for over 10 years, we almost walked away. Four years later, we have never been happier, closer or more in love. But it did take a lot of work and 1 to 2 counseling sessions a week for over a year. If he is truly remorseful and you think you can forgive him, why not at least try. Commit to working on things for at least 6 months. Start off slowly. Each time you feel yourself getting angry about what happened, agree that you will talk about it. He has to be willing to listen, take responsibility, answer you questions, and not get defensive.
Remember it took both of you to get here and it will take both of you examining your past behaviors to get beyond this.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, SweetHeart94  +, writes (10 September 2010):
every marriage goes through that time and makes mistakes the question is are you willing enough to work things out with him. He seems truly sorry and loves you very much and I can tell you love him too. If he is willing to get help and put more time into the relationship then I say try and work things out. Think "do I love him" "do I want this to work". Remember happiness=love :) ps. Trust can be rebuilt
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (10 September 2010):
No you aren't crazy for thinking that you can recover from it. People do forgive their partners for cheating and other such betrayals of trust. But it's hard, and you have to feel that you both care enough to put in the time to rebuild trust. It's incredibly hard to rebuild, because you can never really know that he isn't still doing it (maybe he's hiding it better or what not). And some people won't ever be able to really trust again, or not for a very long time. That said, it sometimes takes possibly losing the relationship to remind you not to take them for granted, or the mistakes you each have made. It makes you try harder, given that 2nd chance, to not make the same mistakes and find better ways to solve your problems. It depends on whether you find this forgivable, and are willing to give him a 2nd chance. I believe in 2nd chances (for most things).
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