A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What should I do? I’m 22 years old and married for about 4 months my husband and I have a 1 year old and another on the way. When I was pregnant with my son he wouldn't touch me. When I asked him to have sex it would be I’m tired. He would then watch porn, beat off and lie about it. When our son was born, after he got home from work it would be the same thing he preferred to jack off even though I’m there wanting to be intimate with him. I can’t tell you how much this whole thing has hurt our relationship. I lost all trust in him and a lot of feelings to. Honestly I don’t know if I can ever get either back no matter how hard I try. After that we had a talk about it and how it made me feel. He said he would stop but he didn’t. When he got caught again he would deny it. The crazy thing is- I went to a website for people in committed relationships still looking for...anything your relationship may lack. For me it was strictly emotional stimulation. He made me feel like garbage and I just wanted to talk to someone who may find me interesting because apparently he didn’t. I didn’t do or say anything that was along the lines of cheating. My husband found out and was furious and from what he said was hurt. I then asked him “What's the difference between you using online porn to satisfy your sexual needs- never mind me and mine- and me chatting online to satisfy my emotional needs”. He said it’s different because I can eventually begin to have feelings for them. He didn’t realize that’s what had happened to him the moment he chose porn over his breathing and in the bed right next to him wife. ... Anyway I’m here wondering if getting married was a good idea. Can I truly be happy living like this for the rest of my life? Are my children's happiness better than a lifetime of me feeling 2nd and inadequate in my marriage? I’m sooooo confused. I love my husband and otherwise he's a good man and treats me right but didn’t see this coming. I think if I would have known what I know now before my son I would probably be single right now. Don’t get me wrong I love the family we've created together and I don’t want to cheat but I don’t want to feel 2nd to nothing either. Especially to some damn video or website. He still doesn't understand how I can feel the way I do like its no big deal. I feel like during a time when I needed him the most he wasn't there and for what? Before him I had a great self esteem and I consider myself to be a good looking woman. I’m also up for trying new stuff I even tried watching it with him even though I’m not into that stuff but I felt like the 3rd wheel in the room. Now with me being pregnant with our 2nd child and being that the problem never went away weather he admits it or not I can't help to think that we will have the same issues maybe even amplified because I’m still trying to gain back some of the feelings I lost. I’m worth way more than that and just want to be happy not insecure and distrustful like the person I have become. He's in the military now and all I can think about is how much more porn will be on his phone now and how I’ll be the one up in the wee hours of the morning with another baby while he's in another room beating off...is this really my life? :(Also i want to add that this is the only relationship I've had that from day 1 I was completly faithful. I can't tell you how much I love this man. I didn't want anybody else but this has hurt me so bad. In the past I would be on some "get back" stuff but I don't want to with him. I've grown past all that but I feel so bad all the time where it's stopping me from being happy even at times where I should be. Now being young, and married with 2 kids I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want this resolved because I'm afraid at some point I'm simply going to lose interest in our relationship and try to find that intimatsy that I've been missing. i just want to be wanted and be able to build on our sex life instead of retreating to some fake one. Is that to much to ask of a person? If your away for a long amount of time and need to release I can understand that- it's alot better than laying down with someone else but if I'm right there Right There - it's a problem. Please give me some advice I would really appreciated it. Male and female perspectives welcome.
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insecure, military, porn, self esteem, sex life, trapped, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto answer dearjelka it started right before i found out i was pregnant with our son so I think he's always watched it I just didn't know about it. it became more frequent and out in the open during and after our son. he just enlisted in the military so he hasn't been away or anything yet other than boot camp. but i know in the future he will most likely be away sometimes for awhile and i think that provides an opportunity to sink deeper in that stuff and bring the same behavior home with him despite me being there and how I feel about it. I told him when we had a talk after my son was born and we were on the verge of breaking up that he may have a problem but he doesn't want to hear that. he thinks im crazy. I even told him I think we should go to counsling -before and after we got married but he said it's a waste of money. I've tried honestly to try to work through this but at the end of the day he has to want to meet me half way which I don't see happening. I honestly I think maybe we should have at least taken a break after my son and all that drama we had/still have to see if this was really what BOTH of us wanted. but i loved him and wanted to try and work it out for my son. I didnt expect to have another baby so soon and if the economy wasn't so bad raising them alone wouldn't seem so bleak:(
A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 November 2008):
 In my opinion, "temptressofdreams" and "dearkelja" are right on - your man is addicted to pornography. As a citizen and patriot of the United States of America, I fully support freedom of expression, but many men have become overwhelmed by this temptation to whack-off to their favorite porno fetish rather than engage in making love to their women. I'll admit to resorting to similar fantasy when alone long enough, but good grief! - the real thing is just so much better! Most every man gives it a go at times, which is reasonable and fairly normal, but when porno replaces reality it adversely affects loving human relations. Perhaps counseling could help and any possible solution should be pursued for the sake of all, especially the children. In my opinion, your man needs a serious wake-up call. My best wishes for all involved.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 November 2008):
 I am sorry you are going through this. He has replaced you with the internet and of course you are feeling rejected and this hurts you very much. It will do a number on your self esteem, at a time when you are suppose to be the most beautiful woman in the world, carrying his child.
He has a problem, it is called porn addiction. He first has to realize that he has a problem though or he will not be able to fix it. This doesn't do you any good. Is there someone (in the military or a therapist) that you could talk to to at least help you get through this and maybe get him to go in for help or try to get back to the real world and the real wife who is in the bed beside you?
Did this start when he was away from home in the military or did it start when you were pregnant? Back before the internet, the only way to get relief was to see a prostitute. I know that's not much relief to you. See if there isn't a way to get him to go and get some help.
If he does not, you can not raise a family in this environment and especially when you are not feeling respected and wanted. You deserve better. You are a mother and you need to giving your kids a happy role model.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): I don't mean to sound harsh, but your husband sounds like he is being very selfish, if not hypocrital.
He is using the internet as an out, but at the same time will not let you use it to remedy a problem that HE has created.
I would sit him down and have a serious settling of what is going on, especially if you are questioning your marriage.
Marriage is wonderful, but dear, make sure you remember that it is not worth throwing away your remaining years to keep your kids in a "family."
Good luck.
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