A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so here's the deal...I had been a relationship with my ex for five years and a half, until we broke up for good five months ago. She was my college sweetheart; I met her through a friend on my first semester of college. We liked each other since we first met, and no later than a month we were going out. It was all honey and sweetness for the first couple of years, I also have to mention (because it think it's relevant) that I was her first boyfriend and that after a while of dating she lost her virginity with me. We did have some minor hard times during those couple of years, I asked for a break twice (I guess I felt I needed to be out there partying with my friends instead of being committed to something so serious like what I had) and both times she was hurt really bad, but eventually I came back to her (both times it took less than 2 weeks).All good things eventually come to an end I guess, and in this case the end started when I went abroad to study in Europe for a whole year, in which I new I wouldn't even come home for Christmas. It was pretty bad, even though we spent tons of hours on the phone she seemed to be pissed all the time, jealous, and what not... but I was very patient and kind to her (but of course I’m not perfect). Then she came to Europe, different country though, and all changed for the worst. In my childish mind I though she owed me for all the nights I didn't go out and stayed to talk to her... so I began to be very jealous my self. Whenever we would meet, it was just great! But when we were away from each other it was a nightmare... we abused each other verbally so bad, I have trouble imagining what was going through my mind to have said such terrible things (it was both ways anyway). So to make story short, I found out she cheated on me, and although I wanted to scream at her how much I hated her, I actually confessed I had cheated too... we both came back home and broke up for a couple of weeks... the dream we had was over, no fairy tale here..After that, she begged me to take her back, I gave it, it was the easiest because deep inside I still loved her, even after all the damage. So we were back together but it was so odd, to be with her after all we went through. I guess even though I did the same thing, to this day I can’t say I’ve truly forgiven her… I was never the same sweet guy to her after that. So we were finally getting use to be together, and the awkwardness was almost gone when graduated and took a job abroad. We decided to stay together, and she wanted to get married badly, she would not move in with me in any other way (she comes from a very catholic family). So I was buying my time, I had to pay college loans, start spoiling my self and what not... The jealousy came back, I felt suffocated to I asked for a 3rd break. Then I realized I loved too much or was too scared to loose her and asked her back. But long distance isn't our thing we were so miserable, that much was clear to me from a long time ago. I ended up cheating again, I was lonely and I had the excitement I didn’t have in my relationship, I didn’t feel the guilt really at first. But even if I wasn't crazy in love, I still loved her enough not to want to ruin her life. So I ended it... I never told her.So anyhow we kept talking, my ex and I, for a couple of months, while we were discussing our future, my guilt went away and I wanted her back, I said this time it's going to be different, I thought I should propose to her. However I played it bad, when she refused to come back at the moment, she said she need to think about it... so I said "We've been together through so much, and such long time, and you can't make up your mind?" she said "well, you've broke up with me several times with no other reason than not being sure about us, so yeah I need to think about this" so I pressured her into rushing and guess what answer I got? It was a big no, she said she needed to see the world and know if what we had was really that big, make I’m the one, maybe meeting other people might help her... so even though I acted mature and didn’t yell at her, I said the childish thing: "Ok, but you know we can't be friends... it's too complicated, so it's best if we never talk or meet again" to which she replied "I just hope that if I realize you're the one, you would still take me in". Anyways 2 months without talking have gone by, I email her on her bday a simple happy greeting text, and I got nothing in return. I called her on Christmas, she said she is doing well now, and that talking to me might upset her and since we don’t have anything to talk about she asked me not to call again…The same day I called her, I had met with a friend (whose gf happens to be close to my ex) for lunch, and he said “maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but since I already started…” Apparently she hosted a party for her bday, and she came and talked to my friend a couple times during the night (which by it self it’s already odd since they’re not really close). Anyhow the first time, she was bragging about what some guy her friends fixed her on a date with gave her for a gift… to the best of my knowledge she was never a show off, but oh well people might change right? Then she came back a second time to tell my friend “How good it feels to finally have found the love of her life” by now my friend is already wondering what the hell is wrong with her. Finally she came by again, but this time she started talking about me, she said “You know, he is the best, he is smart, handsome, and I love him so much… but he broke up with me 4 times, you know what that tells me? He is too young and immature for a serious commitment”Now I do have to mention she is a year older than my self, and has an obsession with getting married young. Oh and that guy she might be dating, he’s a bit older, 28 prob a good 4 years older than myself.... I don’t know what to do… I can’t blame her, our long distance thing sucked… Even I am doing a lot better now. I’m very efficient at work, I’m not cranky all the time, put down 15 pounds, I’m going out with friends without remorse, I’m doing things I wanted but couldn’t do because that relationship took so much of my energy. I’m not lacking rebound girls… the bottom line is, I’m better off without her, but I looking back I see all the mistakes we’ve made and I think we could make it work. We didn’t need to be so possessive, she could have gone out, I could have done my workout, my social meetings, etc… So I want to talk to her, to see if could make it work and propose… I’m scared to get rejected, I’m too proud to put my heart out for her to step on it, and then well logic is against me trying to get back(I mean honestly it was a very sick and unhealthy relationship), logic says we are both better on our own. Am I crazy for wanting her back? I’m also scared that I’m never going to fall in love with someone the way I fell for her, that I can find a life partner that’d fit me right or even better but I’m always going to be looking back and wondering “what if”.Can I get some advice? I’m truly lost here. I guess I don’t even know whether I should even try at all… and if I was to try, I don’t know how… or else if it’s best I forget about her maybe some tips would come in handy…Sorry for typing so much, I feel like if I give you all the background you will understand me…Thanks
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a break, at work, broke up, cheated on me, christmas, immature, jealous, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): I think you have dragged this relationship through enough mud and dirt and I think now you two are just flogging a dead horse and trying to hurt each other.
That isn't healthy for anyone. What you had here was a kind of addiction and it wasn't really about love anymore..it was about the idea of love and all the drama and intensity that you got from it.
Long distance relationships that remain long distance like that are full of these kind of intense, insecure, longing type feelings and I really think that people mistake the intensity for real love.
Healthy relationships don't feel like that and the reason you are still so inclined to hang on to it is that you are trying to make sense out of the good parts of her, with the very bad parts of your relationship and the two just don't cancel each other out, you keep trying to make it all good and it is just never going to be.
Honestly, I think she did you a favor by saying no, by asking you not to call her again and I think you should do just that. You are right there are plenty of rebound girls out there but I hope that you will actually try not to get into another serious relationship for at least one whole year and work out your feelings about this relationship, heal and then be ready to move on. Don't hurt a girl by using her for a rebound to stroke you wounded ego, that isn't fair to someone else. Just casually date and be honest with the girls you take out that you are not ready for a relationship right now and that it has nothing to do with them...that you need friends more than anything just now.
And I think next time you will avoid dragging out a relationship that should have ended when you had to separate and were not ready for marriage to keep it together...sometimes timing is everything in a relationship and that isn't anyone's fault, it is what it is.
For your information, your ex obviously was trying to hurt you by telling your friend about her new love, so I would take it as just that. Don't worry about who she is with now and wish her well in her journey.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 January 2010):
 it seems to me that you have such a general negative/painful history, that somehow, if you got back together, it would manifest itself in some way...do you feel you finally could trust her to be faithful? and what about yourself, can you trust yourself to be faithful, and to not have any more doubts? Marrying entails confidence in one's feelings, and I don't think you have that yet. If you are able to get through to her that you do want to try again, I would withdraw the proposal, but somehow making a clean slate for the two of you (like i said, i don't know if that's possible though). if i were in her or your shoes, it would be difficult to forget the bad times. it just seems like your relationship went past its prime and really turned venomous. if you feel that that wouldn't happen this time, that you're sure of your feelings for her, then go for it. You regret how things went down, how bad things got, but regret itself is not necessarily enough to go by when getting back together with someone. guilt may make you try the relationship in a different way, but it still may not change the outcome. it almost feels like you'd be beating a dead horse. plus, she doesn't want to hear from you right now. it's scarier definitely, to be without her, cause you've been with her so long, but i think you'll find yourself in the process, and someone you'll be confident to love for the rest of your life.
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