A
male
age
30-35,
*ector123
writes:Hello,I have had this question on my mind for a long time and I have never really discussed it with anyone. I wanted to see what other people thought.I am a son in a family of five. My relationship with my family is not the best.My parents have always provided for me materially which I appreciate. But I have little to no emotional attachment to them. My father was rarely at home. And even when he was, he was never very good at connecting with any of us. But he had no problem being critical over our failures, and being strict. I had quite a confidence problem growing up as a result.My mother was not much better. She was not so critical but she just wasn't very symapthetic either. She is one of those people who always talks about herself, or nags you to do things. I'd say neither of them really know me because neither ever bothered to really have a relationship with me (perhaps they didn't know how) beyond telling me to do things or telling me off for something. As a result, I don't really like either of them. Naturally, communicating this to either of them is either impossible or just undesirable.It is not much better with my siblings. I have hardly any relationship with my older sibling. He was also quite aggressive and insulting growing up. And now in adult years, we just seem to be very different people.As a result of all these negative relationships my self confidence was very low growing up. It was thanks to my own experiences outside the house that I became much stronger and self content. Now I have a lot more power within myself, so no one in my family really has any power over me, or can belittle me, or anything like that. If I wanted, I know I could use their tactics to run them into the ground but why would I do that? Two wrongs don't make a right. I have learned how to deal with people, in other words, and learned all the social skills that I never learned growing up. I am respected at home, not in a genuine healthy way, but people no not to try and mess me around either.But anyway, I am not here to ask you if they are good people or not, because how could you possibly know with such little information?My question is about what comes next. The thing is, although I don't like anyone at home at all, and I have absolutely no dependence on them whatsoever, I still feel a sense of responsibility for them. They are my family after all. I think these days people are so quick to say that their family is bad, that they deserve nothing from me, just cut them out your life etc. I never saw it that way. The way I see it is that for some reason I have the empathy, the social skills, etc. that they don't. And that perhaps it is my responsibility to try and teach them how to live better with each other. Because if I don't do it who will? If I completely disengage, they will just continue to live in this dysfunctional way, making each other unhappy forever. It's not like you can count on public services or a friend to jump in and solve everything.I don't expect anything back from them because when have I ever really got anything from them! Lol. All the major things in my life I had to learn elsewhere. In fact I fully expect not to even get a lick of praise or recognition. I'm used to that by now. But it's ok, because I get all of that from elsewhere. I don't need it from home. I also don't expect my efforts to make permanent changes. You never know I suppose but it isn't wise to make assumptions about this sort of thing.So I guess what I'm saying is, I feel that it is a good thing to do what I can to heal these people, by being there, by engaging them in a decent way, by getting them to change their bad habits. Is it draining? Absolutely. Is it rewarding? No not really. Does it cost my own mental health? Yes for sure it does (not to mention the time, and finances). Is it still worth doing? A big part of me says that yes, it is. I guess I can't expect anyone here to change my mind. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who thinks like this, and agrees that this is the better thing to do. Or maybe everyone will think i'm crazy?
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 October 2021):
 My upbringing was similar in many ways to yours, so I can understand where you are coming from. Like you, I resented my parents while I was young, believing they were both "short changing" me in some way. However, when I was a little older, I found out that both my parents had had very difficult childhoods and, due to that, didn't have the right "tools" to bring up their own children. (I did not learn to properly hug or cuddle people until I was in my 20s and was taught how to show physical affection by a friend's mother, who took me under her wing, recognizing the clueless lost soul that I was at the time.)
The irony was that both my parents tried very hard to give me and my brother a better childhood than they had - and they succeeded, because theirs were truly horrific in comparison to ours. We just did not know that at the time and were too young to realize they were doing their best, poor as it seemed to us.
Remember, just because they don't give you everything you want does not mean they don't give you everything they can.
I'm not sure why you are posting, as you state that you don't expect anyone to change your mind. My advice to you is to work on yourself and give any future children a better childhood than you had. I would also suggest you lose the superior attitude if you possibly can and try to cultivate a little empathy for others.
Remember, the world is not changed by our opinion but by our example. Show people a better way and hope they like you enough to emulate what you do. You are on the right path; just don't assume you can force others to follow it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): Many people have had a far worse family background than you, yours is not that bad and they are not that terrible.
But you come across as very judgmental, very superior, full of self esteem as though you know for a fact they are in the wrong and ought to change. Who are you to decide any of this or to believe yourself capable of helping them? You are not a psychiatrist, you are not well versed in psychology and mental health, you are doing what us therapists call externalising. You need to heal yourself - and you need to get a professional expert to do this with you, you are not qualified to do it alone, but instead of seeing that you are the one who needs to heal you push it onto them and say they need to. Believe me they are very happy as they are and have no interest in changing their ways or thoughts.
Trying to change people who are happy as they are is not helping them one bit and totally pointless. Either work on yourself or stop dwelling on it. And remember that many out there had a far worse family and past than yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): It seems that you're finding it hard to come right-out and say that you love your family. In spite of all their faults and shortcomings, you still love them. It's okay to love and help them in any way you can. Lets look at life from both perspectives. Both that of the parents', and from the child's point-of-view.
If you've read many posts here on DC, or from your own life-experience; you know that some people make it hard to love them. Not everyone has the ideal-family. You don't get to choose them, you're born among them; and you deal with that the best you can. It bothers me deeply to know the reality is, some people actually hate their families. They deplore the very thought of their own parents. Their childhoods were filled with abuse, criticism, and neglect. The very people who gave them life, seem indifferent. They show no affection, but have plenty of ill-will to offer.
Criticism can be tough to take, and often hard to give. Kids may think it's mean; but the world out there is going to give it to them, whether they like it or not. Their teachers grade their papers, and send home report cards of their schoolwork and progress. If they play sports, their coaches are not going to pamper and coddle them; they'll yell, and push them for their best performance. If they attend college, professors are going to be harshly critical of lousy work; and their grades mean your future. Your boss will review and reward your work-performance; and will fire you for lack of productivity, and poor-performance. You'll be criticized by your friends, your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your spouse. You'll never avoid criticism. Use it to improve yourself, whether it's harsh or constructive. Also consider the source. Point one finger, three point back!
Seems people don't see their own faults and shortcomings; they can only see what's wrong with others. Thus, they think making you better is always pointing-out what's wrong with you; but never taking time to encourage you, offer you affection, and give you positive-reinforcement. Children need it, they crave it; but not always being told how wonderful, deserving, and entitled of everything they are. Rewarded for nothing, and told they deserve it, while others have strived to earn it. That's no better. They need to be lovingly-encouraged, supported, and disciplined. They need us to set positive-examples for them; and to practice what we preach! I'm not talking about those crazy screaming-people you see at schoolboard meetings on the news. They're poor examples, and I feel sorry for their children. They'll grow-up thinking violence and threats are the way to get your way. They're raising a generation of radicals, hoodlums, bullies, and criminals. Who will learn the hard-way; nobody's going to just cower, and be trampled by their intimidation. Goodness and righteousness will prevail. God says so!
"Do as I say, not as I do!" won't stick with a kid. They'll just resent you and your hypocrisy. No, they don't get to use your childhood-mistakes against you. Not when you've grown-up; and have learned how to be responsible for your errors, and now know how to correct them. Your past is none of their ever-loving business; when you're the one responsible for their safety and wellbeing. You're the one paying the fines they've incurred, and cleaning-up the trouble and the mess they've made. They don't earn and contribute a dime, but always want the most expensive things. Giving it to them doesn't always make them grateful; and it doesn't substitute for loving them. Yes, you are obligated to provide for your children, if you made them. They have every right to expect that!
Sometimes you rise above your past, and whatever you've suffered makes you all the stronger. You'll surpass all expectations; because you didn't believe anyone who told you you'd never be anybody, or you're no-good. God in all His glory will block it all from your mind! Your parents, and their parents, sometimes come from a history of dysfunction; and they've never gotten any help. Yet they are trying to raise you not to be who they are. They're just too broken themselves to know how to be a good role-model for you. They are harder on you when they see their own faults or weaknesses; so they try to work it out of you. Their methods are wrong, and their parenting leaves much to be desired; because nobody ever set an example for them of how to do it better. They are dealing with their own demons. God help them!
No, you are not crazy to still take care of your family. To try and help them to change their ways. There are some who would believe you should be full of vindictiveness and bitterness. Those who feel that way, are the same people whose lives feel empty, or messed-up; and full of regret and pain. You have to move past it. You replace your anger with forgiveness, and move forward. Loving from a distance. That's why you may need to go to therapy; so you can still function, and have some quality of live. Although you were unfortunately born into dysfunction, and an unloving/unlovable family; that doesn't mean you too are destined to be as broken as they are.
Some of the greatest contributors to our society, and people who are God-chosen; come from the worst families imaginable. Your DNA does not predict your future; it only explains your physical-traits and what biological-similarities we have to our parents. Although, we do inherit some of their worst habits or personality-traits. That's through learning, conditioning, and mimicking. You have the ability to be an individual; and shed whatever habits or behaviors you don't like in your family. You seek professional-help when necessary; and you can turn to God and worship for help. The abuse-excuse goes but so far!
Go ahead and be the exception to the rule. Being different in the batch is nothing to be ashamed or regretful of. You didn't turnout bad; in spite of what you've been put through. You are blessed. Yet, you still want to help them; though they may not necessarily deserve it. You may not be able to see it; if you had to judge them solely by their actions, but they love you too. People often have a strange way of showing it; because they weren't given the benefit of anybody setting the best example for them. Some had plenty of role-models and positive-examples; but have chosen the wrong path. You might find a bad-apple in the bushel; and that one becomes your parent. Such is life! You don't have to be like them.
One day, sit down and compose a letter for each member of your immediate-family. Bare your soul, and tell them all that sits on your heart. Just as you've written your post to us; let them know exactly what you've dealt with all these years. Mailing the letters is optional. You can always just place them in a drawer, and just go back and read them. You have to come to terms, and put the past to rest. If you do mail the letter, their reactions may be angry and insulted. They have buried or suppressed your truth for years. Sometimes you have to let them see it, and hear it from you. Rather than keeping it bottled-up, or stashed in the back of the closet. You can't let them feel they can intimidate you into a corner; silently feeling the pain they've inflicted. Meanwhile, they're pretending to have a clear and unchallenged conscience. Using their stubbornness as a shield or wall to deflect the truth; and/or any responsibility for their bad-behavior.
Just telling your truth is enough; but it will not necessarily change anyone. Yet it helps you to unburden your soul, and find your peace. If they wish to reject you, and disown you for facing-up to them; looking at things as they are...what have you got to lose?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2021): I think going to see your family and relating to them in a decent, human and kind way, is admirable. Do it because you want to, not because you're trying to 'teach' them something.
They won't suddenly see any errors they might have committed during your childhood, because this is who they are. People are incredibly blind to their own shortcomings (we ALL are) and you visiting them and trying to show them by example how you think they ought to behave, is a waste of time. It's likely that no-one will understand or would appreciate your efforts if they did.
For people to change their ways, they have to WANT to change and that process can take decades. It has to start with the person themselves though and not someone trying to point out their shortcomings.
I had a father like yours and a loving mother, but neither played with us, kissed or cuddled us or told us we were loved. My siblings and I received no emotional support about anything throughout our lives and this makes one very independent as you know. No-one is perfect and many don't see their own shortcomings or welcome any advice on how to change. You have to let people find their own way, whilst finding your own.
Well done on what you have achieved in your personal life, though. It is a great achievement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 October 2021):
 Most families have some sort of dysfunction. But when we grow up in one we think this is the "normal" until we meet other people's "normal" that is different. That is life.
I think you might want to DO yourself a favor and not try and change them because I don't think you can. Does that mean you have to cut them off? no. People don't change unless they want to. And even then it's hard.
I think you being YOU around them is a good thing. They might not SEE you as healthy compared to themselves. BUT you having HEALTHY boundaries, patience, and care for your family is a good thing. AS long as you know where YOUR own limits are. If doing this GIVE you something, then keep at it. As long as you know that you might never get anything back.
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