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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, So I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we live together. When I first knew him he was smoking but he quit because he knew I didn't like it. He said he always wanted to quit. So he hasn't smoked the whole time we have been together. Anyway the other night we were watching a tv show and all of a sudden he said " I would smoke a cigar if I got the chance". I got so upset as I don't want my partner ever smoking anything. I told him that I would like him doing that and he got angry and said " tough luck".Apart from that, he has got a temper problem and we disagree on a lot of the serious stuff. However he says that he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I just don't think I'm right for him.I love and care about him but I think we're just two very different people. Do you think I'm coping out if I leave him? Do u think I should work on the relationship? Or am I kidding myself. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 No, I don't think you're copping out. I don't see the big deal with a cigar once in a while (not around me but in general), but if this is a deal breaker for you then it is what it is.
If you don't see eye to eye on much else, then there really isn't a point. The ill temper is problem too. So I say start the new year fresh by cutting out of your life that which doesn't improve it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 One thing, you need to accept that you CAN NOT control other, only yourself.
So if he would have LIKED to smoke a cigar, then HE would have liked to smoke REGARDLESS of what YOU think if smoking. HE has his OWN opinions, wishes and dreams, and they won't ALWAYS fall into the SAME line of thinking as yours.
I smoked from 17 to 25ish (having quit a few times) Didn't smoke insanely much, but I smoked. At 25, my Dad (who had recently quit himself) and I made a bet that I could/couldn't quit, and he offered me $500 for a YEAR of non smoking. Guess what? I quit. I "won" the $500 bet. I haven't smoked since. (20 years)
My husband smoked when we met, and used (gross) chewing tobacco (so gross) but he minimized the amount of smoking AROUND me because, he KNEW I didn't like it. And he ONLY used chewing tobacco when he was in the field and deployed. Because ONE time he had used it and spit (so really gross) in a Coke can, which I mistook for MY can and I almost drank that nasty crap!
I NEVER told him;" quit or else!! ". The guy is a GROWN MAN and it is HIS choice to smoke or not. HOWEVER, he DID NOT smoke in the house. (and not around the kids)
YOU CAN NOT enforce your RULES unto everyone else, even if they make sense (to you). BUT you CAN choose to date a guy who is a NON-smoker if that works better for you.
My husband DID quit (he had a heart-attack and heart surgery) - it took THAT much for him to see it was a HUGE waste of money, and SO NOT good for him.
My advice, DO break up. Smoking isn't the only issue here. He has a temper and you don't feel YOU are the one for him, which means YOU don't think HE is the one for you. NOTHING wrong in that.
But LEARN to accept that a partner is not a CLONE of you. They may not HAVE the EXACT same goals, likes, dislikes as you do. And that is OK. What YOU should do is find someone who is MORE compatible to you.
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