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male
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*uy619
writes:Am I controlling?I have already asked one basic question about my relationship and have had some good responses that have been helpful. I want to ask something more specific now on the subject of control. I want to know if you out there feel that I am controlling and therefore very difficult to live with.This is how I am and what I want from a relationship:I am early 40s and have had two main long term realtionshipmor before. I have had a few other gfs which didn't develop in to something more serious. My current partner stopped me from saying 'I love you' because she says 'what is love'? - 'It doesn't exist' Also I'm not allowed to say the words 'share' or 'care' or use much in the way of endearments. I am not overly sentimental but I come from a family that the word 'love' was never mentioned and hardly any hugging - well none really)- and so, as a result, I like to tell the person I love that I love them from time to time and also give a hug or touch her shoulders or arm or hair in an affectionate way both when we are at home and when we are out. Also I like transparency in a relationship and good communication. If I'm going to be home late I want to call or text or leave a message. I like the written messages as they always seem sweet and personal - and even the dullest information can be left with love and good feeling. My partner doesn't like to leave messages or to communicate if she has a change of plan or has decided to go somewhere. I do like to know where my partner is in general and what she is doing and also I like to let my partner know what is happeneing at work or if I'm away or seeing friends. I like to send texts if I'm working away and also to call everyday. I feel that the contact with my partner is important. My partner likes to have her own friends. Her circle includes quite a few ex's and she likes to keep them seperate. I would prefer to get to know them if they are nice people and for them to accept us a couple rather than the contact continuing on a one to one level between them. I do admit to feelings of exclusion which I have communicated to my partner. This has been shot down mostly and I have been accused of being jealous and possesive. She has an ex from college days, who was probably her main love from those days. I have met him a few times and have no problem at all. He is a nice guy and he has always treated us as a couple and me in a friendly manner. Ther are others who are not so nice and they don't try to hide the fact that they still fancy her and don't consider me. I feel jealous if my partner stays at an ex's flat. One such that really still wants to get her back in to bed. She also has done this without telling me where she is going - will send me a text at 4am but won't tell me where she is - then come back home the next day and inform me that I 'won't like this but - I stayed at an ex's flat last night.' She's right I don't like it and although she says nothing happened in this case - this guy is continually grabbing my partner, on the few occaisions I have seen them together,and either got hos armaround her neck talking closely, or on one occaision slapping her rear in front of a whole bar. If I playfully did the same in private at home she shouts me down and tells me I am chauvenistic. My partner says she is independent. I am independent too. But I believe that we can be independent and at the same time communcative about what we are doing in our lives - and have a stronger relationship and greater independence because of that. I have felt silenced for a long time. But do you think I am controlling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I agree with bitterblue! You are not being controlling. You know what you want out of a relationship and obviously not getting it.
She is being inconsiderate and hurtful towards you. I think it is time you reevaluate what you want and what you have. She is not ready to commit to you.
You deserve someone who can give you what you deserve! You shouldn't have to put up with her behavior!
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (30 May 2009):
 No I don't think you are controlling. I think it is basic common decency to tell someone if you are going to be late or where you are. I have always behaved like that. However when I was married my husband would not ring to say if he was going to be late or really ever tell me where he was and if I asked I was deemed as controlling.
It is totally inappropriate behaviour for your girlfriend when she is in a relationship with you to stay in an ex's flat. She appears to be keeping her options open and encouraging various men as a fall back. I do not think her behaviour is very loving or caring and if you come from a family similar to mine where the love word was never used then you need to be in a relationship where you hear it and use it a lot. I don't think she is as committed to this relationship as you are. You appear to be trying very hard and she is not interested or alternatively finds your comments irritating so then decides to call your behaviour controlling to ease her own conscience/ behaviour. You are most definitely not in the wrong and you need to have a chat with her. If she doesn't respond or seem to care then I would let her go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): No, you are not controlling. I find it quite inappropriate that she accepts these gestures coming from her ex boyfriends, such as holding their arms around her neck or slapping her rear! Not to mention not wanting you to meet them. Are you sure she wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you? She does not seem like someone who is ready to settle down and have a tranquil family life. Calling you from an ex's flat at 4 am? Who does that? If you are certain you can get her to see her behaviour is direspectful towards the relationship and to be more steady, then rediscuss the rules in your relationship - see what is OK and what is not - for both of you. It's not OK that she has made you doubt your commonsense and think you are the one to blame and the one who has a problem. There is no problem with her life style either, except that it does not match in the least with your conception of a relationship, and this is reason enough to reconsider a relationship and the chances you have to work out on a long term, being that you are so different. Have a chat if you think you can change something. I have my doubts that at your ages revelations occur.
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