A
male
age
30-35,
*andomando
writes:I was in a relationship with the girl of my dreams! She was seriously the most amazing person on this planet and we had so much fun together. I Miss her so much. I would kill for her and die for her in a second. She means the world to me. I wanted to give her the world but I messed up. I first would like to talk about how this got so bad. 6 months ago I went to a party. This kid wanted to hook up with this girl. But she didnt want to so she was talking to me. Just talking, not flirting, not touching me or anything! The next day at school I heard 3 rumors about me. They were ridiculous rumors. People that know me, knew I didnt do that. My girlfriends past is messed up so she didnt believe me. Or listen to anything I had to say! And dumped me. During those two weeks of being broken up I went through hell.. I began to talk to everyone at the party and after they all told her I didnt do anything she took me back. But during those three weeks I began talking to this girl as just a friend. I would talk to her on the phone and cry and she knew what I was going through and just really helped me. I just needed someone to talk too and she was there for me. We became good friends during those two weeks She was however considered a "slut" but she was a really nice person. That didnt help the situation and made these rumors seem true. but they were not.She told me I was never aloud to talk to her again when we got back. She deleted her from my phone. She deleted her from my facebook. Since I wanted her back I went with it. I just wanted her back.During the first week of college! I got really drunk. That day me and my roommate were talking about the whole incident, that happened months ago and I must have thought about her or something when I was drunk. I dont remember this but later that night I got on my facebook and facebook friended her. She accepted it in minutes. We talked and then the talking turned into sexting. It was really bad and really really graphic. SOOOO I dont remember that at all. i woke up later the next day and saw her on my facebook wall and was like wtf and deleted her because I didnt want to start a fight! 3 weeks later During labor day, I went to visit my girlfriend. I went into the shower for no longer then 4 minutes, when I got out of the shower I was standing in front of her in my towel while she was on my computer. She got on my facebook and read that conversation and started crying and yelling at me saying i cheated on her.I was in shock and am still in shock now. I didnt know what to say to her. i didnt know how she got on my computer and I didnt remember talking to this girl. If i did I would have deleted the conversation along wither her. I first tried to say it was my roommate and realized that wasnt going to work, after a minute of trying to explain myself. So i told her the truth. She didnt listen to 1 word i said and she broke up with me on the spot. I have never cheated on her. I have never touched another girl. She was basically my first everything and yet nothing I say to her she believes. She said I ruined this relationship and basically i did but why did she have to go look for something to incriminate me? We were perfectly fine probably the happiest we had ever been together. It was our 11 month too! and i planned a fun night. I was gona take her to dinner and a view of our town.. I have not really talked to her and I smashed my phone, deleted my facebook. blocked most contact with her. She will email me but its basically me explaining myself and her yelling at me.I just want to know how bad is this? I didnt touch this girl. How do I get her back? How do I earn her trust back? Am I really a cheater? How is this cheating? is it?? I dont think it is I thought I just messed up. idk HELP PLZ
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 What do you want us to say ? You DID cheat !
Do you want us to say she will forgive you ? We don't know. May she will, maybe she will not.
Why can not she see it like an accident ? because it was not one. An accident is when you are unaware of putting your foot on a banana peel, and you slip and fall.
You were aware that you were sexting with another girl. You sat at your PC, looked up for the girl whom you were not supposed to talk to, involved her in graphic sexual conversations with the scope of physical arousal/ enjoyment, what accident is it ?
But you were drunk....First, if you were able to formulate and type coherently a long conversation, you were not that drunk, you were still VERY conscious ; second, that's no excuse at all, if you were in a court of law that would make it WORSE, not better. Since you know that when you drink you do weird stuff- then it's your responsability not drinking to begin with.
I think you'd have more of a chance to ( perhaps) be forgiven by your ex, if you 'd change attitude and stop tryng to minimize and pass this as an " accident ", a natural, minor slip-up . I think that's just this attempt to make light of what happened that makes her even more aggravated and inflexible.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 So you're more upset that she caught you than you did those things? You're not getting bashed, you wanted input and you obviously don't like being told how your behavior appears to other people. If you think that showing her this thread would tarnish your image, um, I hate to tell you but you are waaaayyyy off any pedestal she ever put you on...
You keep trying to make this her fault somehow. It's her fault she looked at your fb and found that incriminating sex chat with the girl she felt so threatened by that you were under orders to delete her from fb and off your phone. Wow. So there was a level of mistrust there that existed already.
Girls like to be able to admire and trust their boyfriends. Do you see how you would have damaged your image in her eyes?
Things were rocky already, it sounds, if you'd been given orders to delete this other girl from your life and maybe that's why she went snooping. You may have thought things were all rosy and bright but obviously, she didn't. Maybe you were in denial about that side of things? Smile and pretend everything is just fine but underneath there's this level of mistrust and suspicion.
I think you are looking at your ex through some rose-colored glasses and aren't really seeing her as she is, which seems to be a bit vindictive, suspicious, stubborn and unable to listen. She's not really the most wonderful creature on the planet, I think. Perhaps part of your confusion is the kind of cognitive dissonance you have in thinking about her. "She's fabulous" vs. "She's a manipulative and nosy control freak" Just as she's learned something unpleasant about you, you are being confronted with the unpleasant reality about her, and that's very confusing to deal with.
I'd give her time to get over it, don't push contact and just live your life without getting so trashed that you can't remember what you do. A friend of mine used to do that, even wound up in the hospital once with alcohol poisoning. She never got control over alcohol, it wound up ruining her life and she eventually died in her 40s. Such a waste of a life. Don't do that anymore, it creates more problems (as you now know) than it solves. Obviously, if you want the ex back you have to cut out this other girl from your life.
Your mutual friends will eventually let her know how you're doing and if she has any forgiveness in her, maybe that will convince her. I don't know how her mind works but you said a couple of words about her messed up past which suggests she has a reason to be mistrustful and any wounds inflicted now just open up old injuries and hurt? She has her own internal struggle going on, let her figure things out for herself.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (20 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont know if i should send her the link to this when everyone is basically bashing my head in the wall. I dont see how thats going to help.. Everyone seems to say about the same thing. u messed up, U emotionally cheated on her, take it as a lesson, alcohol is bad. I know I messed up. I just dont understand. Why She had to go looking for something to fight about? I just dont get that. I dont like to fight. If i wanted to look for somthing to fight about I could. I dont understand. We were seriously so happy and then this. I didnt even know it was on my facebook. I mean could she ever see it as an accident? Idk. I told her the truth. I really do like her alot even tho this situation may not seem like it.. She said a couple days ago "I love you I always will". Does that mean anything like can I still get her back and earn her trust?? idk im soo lost and confused. thanks for any input.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2011):
Well, if you get so drunk you cannot account for your actions, you're going to have to take the consequence of them anyway. "I was so drunk I'm not responsible for my actions" isn't really a defensible position, because basically, by getting so drunk, you essentially gave up control of your actions. But whatever you do while drunk is still your responsibility. They don't let drunk drivers walk on that defense, do they?
I guess it's a big life lesson you've had. Pay attention. Stop trying to shrug off the responsibility onto the alcohol. You chose to imbibe, alas, you take the bad stuff that comes with the buzz.
You demonstrated to your ex that you were not trustworthy and were capable of cheating on her. Really graphic sexting is cheating by most people's standards, by the way, whether or not you touched her.
Why not take Nime's suggestion and send her the link to your questions? I see you've posted on this topic more than once. Maybe that will be the start of rebuilding but it's entirely up to her whether or not she would want a guy who a) gets so drunk he can't remember anything and b) who sexts with a girl and doesn't class it as cheating.
Maybe it's just a matter of you getting the wildness out of your system, but binge drinking is really not a good thing, it leads to many problems and you've only had one of them. You may consider this your wake-up call, I guess!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (19 September 2011):
landomando is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did like this girl as a friend. she did help me through a tuff time and well I did enjoy talking to her. I was never attracted to her. And my gf said the same thing out of all the girls u had to do this girl but this is the only girl (that was a friend) where I have ever actually shared my feelings and how i felt and just laid everything out on the line and not hold back what I was saying. I know i am not aloud to talk to her and I havnt tried to contact her other then that 1 night. I really dont know y i did. and I know no one believes me but I dont remember talking to her at all. I kind of feel like when I was sexting her I thought i might have been talking to my girlfriend. But i really dont remember anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Although you didn't touch the girl, and although you were drunk, it is still cheating. It is important to learn to control your drinking to avoid these situations. Being drunk or on drugs or have an illness that makes you have poor judgement is not an excuse. Even all those things at the end, you need to take responsibility.Your girlfriend should not have been snooping. She has her own issues with trust to work through. But she did, and with her past, it was too much. When you are in a relationship it is imparitive that other people of the oposite sex are not used to comfort yourself. That ist he what must be learned is how to accept this one person to lean on, and then let them lean on you, too. This person must be your closest advisor in good and bad times. A lot of people fail at that. As a pervious poster said, you must show her that she is your support and not other women. But it will be very hard for her if she doesn't also learn to deal with her own issues.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Commitment is not just what we communicate to our partners, but how we communicate to others. Engaging in intimate, sexually-charged conversations with another woman is a breach of trust. The fact that you do not see this as cheating would be a concern for me, if I were considering taking you back.
You had an agreement with your girlfriend that you would 1) not talk to this girl again and 2) not have her as a friend on Facebook. In a drunken stupor, you broke those two vows. Worse, you engaged in sexy-flirty talk with not only another girl, but one that your girlfriend was sensitive about, which makes it feel even worse for her. Presumably, you understand that when you agreed to be committed to your girlfriend, such conversations were off limits with other girls… Of all the girls that you chose to do this with, you did it with one that your girlfriend was extra-sensitive about.
Did you forget you were in a committed relationship with the girl who was ‘everything to you’ that you would ‘die and kill for’ when you were having this conversation? How important must that relationship have been to you that you could so easily forget?
I don’t actually believe that you don’t remember any part of your flirtations. I find it hard to believe that you were drunk enough not to remember, but co-ordinated enough to search for this girl, add her as a friend, and then TYPE out the words to engage in a back and forth.
I think you’ve been attracted to this girl for a while and allowed your reduced inhibitions to be an excuse for what you’ve wanted to do for sometime. I think your, now ex-girlfriend knows that, too.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (19 September 2011):
 You say "I didn't cheat on her" and "I didn't touch this girl" but there is an important difference between men and women that you have to understand. In general, men are more concerned with their woman cheating on them sexually and women are more concerned with their man cheating on them emotionally. Poll a group of women over whether they'd rather have their man cheat emotionally (with no sex), or sexually (with no emotions) and the majority would choose the latter. You keep stressing you never touched the other girl, but you're stuck in the masculine viewpoint and focusing on the wrong thing. The (apparent) emotional cheating is what's hurt your girlfriend; at this point she probably does not care if there was any physical sex. There is nothing for you to explain to her; she already 'gets' it. I do not want to lecture you on what you've done wrong because you seem genuinely sorry and ignorant of your infidelity, but I would hope this is a learning experience for you. For one, hopefully you have realized that emotional cheating is cheating, period. Second, when you say things like: "I would kill for her and die for her in a second. She means the world to me," and then you go out and simulate sex with another girl, it makes you sound immature and insincere at best. Professing your undying love for a girl and making promises about sacrificing your life for her if need be (promises that you know deep down you will likely never have to act on) are just words. In order for them to have any meaning you must back them up with actions. SHOW your girlfriend you love her by being a faithful, loyal companion. Don't just SAY it. As for what you should do, you should show your girlfriend this post and the responses you get. Much more than apologies and endless explanations and justifications, women appreciate when a man can buckle down, admit he's wrong, and take the time to open up emotionally and ask for help, as you've done here. Send her a link and see what she says. I wish you the best. :)
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