A
male
age
51-59,
*ald eagle
writes:Am I a commitment phobe? I dont know what to do in this situation. I have been dating a wonderful smart beautiful lady for 2 years now. of course she wants a commitment, and I do too, but just can't seem to step up. I don't know why. I don't know what I want. I beat myself up all the time about it, and try, but think maybe I am broken, something wrong with me. She is great, but reacts to my not being able to give her what she wants with neediness and pushing, and I don't blame her. But the pushing just gives me excuse to pull further away. When she relaxes and doesn't push I still don't know why I can't go forward, and kick myself for hurting her. I can't give her what she needs and I also can't leave her alone either, and she hates me for playing yo-yo with her, but I don't mean to. I don't know how to fix this and want to. There's just something I can't put my finger on. I'm just broken. i don't know what I want. Yes, I have baggage, but everyone does. That's not it. SO, what could be wrong with me? What can I do about it? (Nope, NOT going to therapy, sorry). HELP? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Step up and be a MAN. You need to work on yourself first and foremost. Part of being a man is knowing your needs based on your strengths and weaknesses. There's is a point where you have to ask yourself as a man why do I even want this woman in my life and if the answer isn't to provide for my needs (not your desires), then leave the woman alone and stop wasting your and her time.
Basically step up and develop yourself as a man before you pursue your currrent or any other relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): I feel that you are probably right, if you are unwilling to participate in therapy then, no it wont help you because you will be going in on a negative note from the start. Most types of thearapy require the client to be open minded about what they do and how they can help.
It sounds to me like serious time out is needed to help you, truth is knowone can help you if you dont know how to help yourself.
Obviously, I am only going from the snip of information that you have given but it seems that you are still hurting and it is much deeper than the surface, you cant commit until you get to the bottom of this because you will end up making yourself unhappy, still suffering in silence. You seem to be very bitter and Im sure you have your reasons for this but it is eating you up and ruining relationships with those that are very fond of you.
If talking with your girlfriend only leads to her putting pressure on you, being insecure and tears then do you think things would be easier if you took time from the relationship and made time for yourself for a change? Do you think she would still be there if you made the decission to do that? I just get the impression that you need to please yourself for a while, without having to think of what other people will say or feel. If you think therapy cant help then you need to learn to help yourself.
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A
male
reader, bald eagle +, writes (6 October 2007):
bald eagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah figured as much- the easy cure- feel blue? can't get your d**k hard? hate your mom? pop a bill, see a shrink, numb out. whatever happened to standing on your own two feet and dealing with life as it comes? I have- i am not wounded. Just confused- like paralyzed and taking time to decide why. I don't blame anyone else but myself- not my ex, not my folks, not my past. Guess I will just have to keep at it on my own as I am not seeing a shrink and talking about my feelings and having someone tell me what to do- need to figure ity out myself.
Everyone I know in "therapy" is no better off, only poorer for all the money they throw at a sounding board. Don't need it, don't believe in it.
But thanks for shoving it down my throat with no alternative.
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A
male
reader, bald eagle +, writes (6 October 2007):
bald eagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut, seems counselling can only work if you believe in it and are open to it and I just am not. Not a believer. Won't work for me. Guess I'm doomed. Thanks
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A
male
reader, bald eagle +, writes (6 October 2007):
bald eagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny other opinions besides my need for psycho therapy and that I am a wounded child? (I had some trauma, but I do not let it hold me back- that's not it- I dont know what it is,tho)
I am taking time now and thinking about things and what I want. I don't want to keep hurting her or dealing with the pressure and grief she gives me over my not being on the same page. (She isn't really giving me space, all scared thinking it's over and trying to persuade me which drives me nuts and the opp direction)
Any other way besides a shrink that I can work through this to a happy ends? (I do want it to work and be happy with her, but seems impossible)
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A
male
reader, bald eagle +, writes (4 October 2007):
bald eagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondefining:
what she wants (eventually) is marriage. for now it seems to be reassurance, stroking, attention, and for me to say she's important and that I love her.
I will be married again someday,and have thought about that with her, but don't feel it now.I take a long time. But then again she is right 2 years at our age I should be able to head in that general direction at least and I just can't seem to do it. I don't KNOW why.I don't know what I want. I am broken. I don't think she should need the reassurance and compliments as I am there, aren't I? I do plenty for her and give to her, just not all she wants in the time she wants and her pushing just makes me step further away. I think she is a beautiful lady inside and out,smart and open and sexy. I don't like her neediness but know it's in reaction to my not being able to give her what she wants. I care for her a lot but don't feel in love with her. I have never been in love with anyone, honestly.
My parents divorced when I was 3 and mom remarried and had another kid and then divorced again later after I was booted from the house at 18, joined navy and met my ex wife who had affairs and another guy's kid, but I stayed. Divorced now 8 years. Things happen in life. I am not scared. I don't have past wounds- not a victim. I just don't know what I want and am broken and don't know why or what I can do about it.
No counselor is going to help me. They don't have answers if I don't. I am not gonna do that, sorry. And books seem silly too- full of cliche answers and psychobabble.
I feel terrible about hurting her and previous girls too. That's why I took space even though I was OK with things as they were (as long as she didn't keep asking for more, but that becomes a bad scene with crying and hurt and guilt and I am not happy then). I beat myself up and can't live like that. Even if she chooses to subject herself to it, I won't do it. I cannot give her what she needs, I don't know why, I don't know what I want even- it's different with each person case by case. There's just something wrong with me.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 "I just still don't know what I want"
The call-sign of the commitment-phobic man
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A
male
reader, bald eagle +, writes (3 October 2007):
bald eagle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far.
She knows she is needy and then hates self for it, but it's in reaction to my pulling away.
We are taking space right now so I can think.
She wants everything, and isn't pushing for it all now, but to know there's potential. Of course there is or I wouldn't still be there. But I just still don't know what I want. I haven't given her attention and affection she wants and after 2 years at our age I should be able to. I just feel there is something broken in mke. I have never said I love you to her- I care for her a lot but don't feel in love. I've put her through a lot and she doesn't deserve it. She's read lots of books. Maybe I will too. A past girlfriend left for me being yo yo, and another called me emotionally devoid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I don't think for a minute that you need therapy for this as you can see and analyse exactly what your doing, you just don't know why.
I think that if you were truely ready to commit then it would be easy.so perhaps this can be fixed with time. I think your girlfriend needs to understand that your reasons are not that you dont want to or your scared etc, you simply cant right now. I think she needs to step back and give you the time you need.
Commiting for life after only two years is such a huge ask, you need to figure out exactly what you want, whether its marriage or children or moving in together. Its not wrong of you to want to keep things simple, its obvious that you think the world of your girlfriend, so eventually you will know exactly what to do and when. Just dont be pushed into a speedy decission, it will only cause resent later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Dear: Buy and read: "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing" by Patti Henry and you'll understand why you are doing this. Keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (3 October 2007):
I recommend the book: He's Scared, She's Scared, by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It's a very illuminating description of what they call 'commitmentphobia'.
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