A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok I was here last week asking if i was blowing it out of proportion. With all of your help and friend and family i realized i was not blowing it out of proportion. I decided that i want a divorce and to move back to the place we just left. i have told him this and he wants me to stay he says he loves me with all his soul and he really looks depressed since the last incident. I still love him and i dont think i will ever stop loving him but i cannot allow this to happen again and the only way to do that is to leave. Why is it so hard to begin packing my bags? Why do i feel like i will be lost without him? I know i have to leave but i keep thinking what if i never find a man who loves me as much as he does even if he does things that hurt me. I feel like im going crazy. and i feel so sad. why do i feel sad when he is the one who wronged me?
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female
reader, MansonGroupie  +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Hi,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you (haven’t been too well lately!).
I’m glad you went to the counselling though, to be honest; I didn’t think it would set your mind at ease right away.
Trust isn’t something you learn over an hour-long session; he has to deserve to be trusted again. Until ‘that question’ which you desperately need answering is actually answered by him, I doubt you’ll ever feel the same way you did before.
At the moment you’re tying yourself in knots and allowing the anxiety and distrust to affect your life. If you aren’t able to break this cycle very soon then, I know you probably don’t want/need to hear this, it may be time to call it a day.
I suggest sitting down with him and asking out right ‘WHY? Why were you planning to sleep with another woman despite our vows?’.
You need a satisfactory response!
He is burying his head in the sand by going to see a counsellor on your suggestion but not actually talking to you about the parts that matter.
I’m sure the counsellors have their own ways of dealing with emotions and getting to the bottom of deep-seeded issues but it doesn’t help now.
You also have to assess the situation and search your soul for what is inside you. Walking away from a marriage without due cause is unjustifiable but to stay in a miserable marriage with no trust whatsoever is crazy! Not only would you be denying/lying to yourself, you’d be lying to him, family, friends etc.
Is there anywhere you could get away, perhaps for a long weekend or just overnight? I know you’ll spend most of the time obsessing about what he’s getting up to but it will also give you the breathing space and time to think.
I’d absolutely love to be able to wave a magic wand and make this situation better for you, I feel for you and wish I could do more.
Please keep talking to us/me on here, you’d be surprised at how therapeutic just having a rant every now and again can be.
Chin up Hunnie :)
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for the concern yes we went to counseling. I didn't really get anything out of it. The counselor told me i had every right to be upset and feel the way i felt. He told my husband to stop the inappropriate coversations. He asked him if that would be a problem and my husband said no. The counselor also said that i would have to forgive him.
I honestly believe that i have got more help from you and the other aunts.
My husband said i did nothing wrong and i am perfect. But he has not answered my question as to why did you plan to sleep with this woman. This worries me because if you don't know why then how are we suppose to fix the problem. Yesterday i asked him again why and i told him that i need him to help me trust him again. because right now i don't trust him
if he is at work i wonder if he is really at work. I never felt like this before. and i don't like it.
One big issue for me is that im still waiting for him to respond to me telling him to help me trust him.
I guess i would feel better if he said "baby i love you and i will never do anything to hurt you again please believe in me" but i get nothing he just looks at me.
Its kinda like hes pretending it didn't happen because the counselor told me i can't bring it up over and over.
I don't feel its resolved so i can't let it go yet
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (5 October 2009):
Hello again,
I'm just posting to see how things are going.
Did you go to the Marriage Counselling appointment? If so, how did it go?
Have you both had the opportunity to talk in more depth about what happened and where to go from here?
Sending you a big virtual-hug.x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response. I'm 24 and he is 26 and we got married the week before he left for Iraq. So even though we have been married for two years. we have only been living together since december when he came back.
Well i already made that list of pros and cons and the only cons were the three incidents.(but they are really big) I asked again what was his intention with the girl and he finally admitted that he was going to sleep with her and he didn't because she was busy. and after that he thought of me being here while he was in iraq and he never tried to sleep with her or meet up with her again. Im glad he was finally honest.
I don't know if i will ever trust him again and that is what scares me. He is willing to go to a marriage counselor and we have an appt for next friday. I more so want to go to see if there is any hope for me to trust him again. and i want him to figure out exactly why would you want to sleep with this girl if according to him i am doing everything right. ( he likes that i tell him hes the best man in the world and that i push him to go further in his career or begin college and that i support all of his decisions, and that im his number one fan.)
I truly believe its something deep in him that has a desire to feel wanted by other women. Like he is still in the "game" When guys hit on me i smile and say thank you but im married sorry. and if they persist i tell them im happily married and i don't need any more friends. Maybe women don't hit on him anymore and it makes him feel unwanted? i don't know but he needs to know why he does this. and im sure he wouldn't do it if he knew i would find out and be hurt. If i still don't feel i could ever trust him again after counseling then i would just have to let it go and leave. I love him but i can't stay with him if i don't trust him because he deserves someone who trust him especially if he truly won't do it again. Our family planning has definety stopped until we work this out if we can.
Once again thank you so much for helping me It really means so much to me. If i knew you i would give you a hug and a thank you card. Thank you sooo much.
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (25 September 2009):
Thank you for getting back to me.
I can completely understand why you are confused and I really do feel for you, I’m so sorry.
Well firstly, it seems that he himself is experiencing some kind of confusion. You don’t give his age but I assume he’s approximately the same age as you, which may account for his talking to these girls in so far as he may feel he’s missing out on life. Please don’t take that personally…
I won’t pretend I know what it’s like to be in Iraq with the gunfire & losing friends etc, however I imagine it must leave a deep feeling of loneliness and detachment from reality.
Perhaps he is feeling undesired? Again, not a dig…
Time away from a partner in unfamiliar territory and wanting to protect your loved ones from the ‘nitty-gritty’ of what happened may have allowed his subconscious mind to develop a ‘private/secret life’ which in turn has lead to more sinister doings on his return.
It doesn’t seem that he intentionally wants to hurt you, far from it, but what he did was very, very wrong. I’m not sure from what you have said that he really understands the seriousness of this situation and the amount of pain it’s causing you.
I do have an example from my own experience (though different circumstances), my ex stayed home all day whilst I worked and he claimed to be bored, blah, blah, blah…He cured his boredom by scouring the net for porn, this led to looking for half-naked pictures of people he knew, followed by chatting behind my back by email with a certain female and arranging to meet up with her for ‘coffee’ and for her to send him pictures (which he was really, really looking forward to)!
I believe to this day that he didn’t mean to hurt me, I also believe that he never intended for me to find out. He seemed to believe that old saying ‘what you don’t know, won’t hurt’.
Whether he would have actually cheated (of course he would have!!!) or not, he disrespected me, and the relationship.
He swore that this woman was just a friend and that all he wanted was to take her for a coffee and that the pictures he wanted were of scenery from her holiday…B******S!
He had met her perhaps two weeks prior, he’d had a meeting with regards to finding work and she was the receptionist. He’d already given her his mobile number and email address on the first meeting, yet he was adamant that his intentions were good. I thought I was going nuts!
It takes a strong person to forgive this kind of deceit. However, you are married and that is a commitment you made to each other and although he’s betrayed you, you have to ask if you can find it in your heart (and mind) to forgive.
If it weren’t for the vows I’d say run away as fast as you can! (I have to say that, sorry).
He has now done this three times. Once or twice may be excusable, three? Not so sure.
Do you believe that if the other girl hadn’t been busy that something would have happened? The fact that it didn’t shouldn’t be the issue here; it’s whether he actually WOULD have gone through with it.
You have to make him understand that if you decide to try again that it’s going to be a very long time before you can give him your 100% trust again. He has a lot of grovelling, apologies and making you feel special to do.
You have to take time and think this through logically.
Do not even consider trying for a baby whilst there is so much confusion and mistrust. It’s not fair on anyone to bring another life into this turmoil.
This may sound a little childish but I would consider writing a list of Pros and Cons for staying in the marriage. You may feel silly doing it at the time but trust me; it helps you to see things more clearly.
After doing this and taking some time for yourself, counselling may well be beneficial should you decide that he deserves another chance. I wouldn’t suggest that you allow yourself to get by on his promises and apologies alone, he needs to wake up and realise that if he doesn’t buck his ideas up he WILL lose you (that is if the relationship is repairable).
You cannot prevent yourself from getting hurt in the future, that is a fact and, besides wrapping yourself in cotton wool and barricading the doors, you probably will get hurt again…
Not necessarily by your partner though.
Personally I question his love for you and, if it were me in this situation again, there would be NO third chance. As I said previously though, you’re married and (although I’m divorced!) I believe that marriage is a life-long commitment.
Do you honestly, deep down in your heart think that you can live happily ever after? That means putting all of this behind you and not getting suspicious or accusing him of cheating/wanting to cheat.
I do apologise if this response is vague, I really don’t want to say ‘do this’ or ‘don’t do that’ as it has to be your decision.
Get in there, ask questions, make time for you and your friends/family, ask him what sacrifices he is prepared to make in order to help rebuild your trust for him…That doesn’t mean getting you pregnant!
I wish you the best of luck and ask that you send me a message should things get more difficult or you’d like to talk further. I’ll do my absolute best to help.
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK well i have been married for two years in october and total time together will be 3yrs. My husband is a solider and we got married before he went to iraq. After seven month when he got a 2 week break everything was fine and loving but he used my cp and i saw a message that said "girl when i was over there the other day i wanted to give it to you right there" So i confronted him about it and he eventually apologized and i let it go. The following week he went back to iraq. A couple of months passed and i had a weird feeling so i checked his email account, where i found out he was sending random women messages telling them how sexy they were and can they chat on a messager. This time i didn't say anything until he came back from iraq because i didn't want him stressed while over there. Once i confronted him he begged me not to leave but i left for 4 days and decided to forgive him and make it work. We recently relocated to a new state in June. Once again i had a weird feeling and i checked his email. I saw a message with a pic of him with no shirt on that said "Look at my sexy body" then i saw a message which was a text from his phone. He tells the girl when i was at the club u didn't give me ur last name. she writes back with the answer and her nick name. Then he writes and tell her hes getting off of work soon what is she doing tonight. Then he writes that hes about to ride to a nearby city and if she is busy tonight cause " I wanna know if we gonna do that tonight" This was on Aug 13th 09 while i was out of town. I confronted him and he said she is just a friend of a friend and its nothing. I told him the whole conversation was inappropriate especially after i told how i felt about it in the past. He says im blowing it out of proportion. Am I blowing it out of proportion? I really want to get a divorce because i feel like its going to be a never ending pattern. Someone please help me cause i don't have any energy for tears anymore. Im so depressed about this. Is it time to call it quits?That was my original question. Now i feel confused I honestly believe that he did not sleep with the girl and thats only because she told him she was busy that night and there where no other messages after that besides the pics. and i came home from out of town. after i forgave him for the first two incidents i let it go and truely forgave him it took time but eventually i trusted him again. so i would suggest that he go out with the guys if they wanted him to go i really didn't mind at all infidelity was the farthest thing in my mind. i would just be worried about drunk drivers. my whole thing is that he was planning to sleep with her and we already had this conversation about inappropriate relationships in the past. we havent really been talking but we have been writing letters to each other. (my idea) i can express my feelings better in writing. he wrote back saying how "deeply" sorry he was and he wasn't thinking but he was not planning to sleep with her He even said he understood my feeling of being hurt and i was not blowing it out of proportion . i really love him i see that he is remorseful for his actions. If i leave i don't want to regret because i do not believe in leaving and coming back. that is not a habit i want to have. I thought of counseling but i don't know if it would help me get over this distrust of him. the week before 3 week before i found out about this last incident we were talking about starting a family. He got his sperm count tested and everything just to make sure it was possible for us to be pregnant. He tell me he loves me all the time and he pretty much does anything for me if i need something he will get even if it is small (tampons and stuff) one day i was doing my hair and need a hair clip i couldn't find it so as i was looking he went to the hair store and bought me three new ones. I just feel so confused because i just don't know what to do. I want to leave so i will never be hurt again.i want to stay because i love him and i honestly believe he loves me too but my question is why would he do that. His personality is really sweet any person who meets him likes him. he is not an asshole at anytime he doesn't yell at me or anything like that. He is even very sensitive he was near tears when he hit a cat on the highway. How could someone so sweet do something so wrong that would hurt a loved one?Im sorry this is a really long post.
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A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (24 September 2009):
What was your previous question? It would seem that whatever it was, you were given the advice to leave both by the Aunts & Uncles on here and your family...
All I can say at this minute is that you obviously haven't been happy and...letting go of any relationship is difficult.
You get used to each other and forget that you are a whole person whether you're alone or part of a relationship, however leaving is a very scary prospect and packing a bag can feel so 'final'.
Can you direct me to your previous question to allow me to answer a little better?
Thanks :)
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A
male
reader, Logan58 +, writes (24 September 2009):
It seems like you love each other still, and it sounds like he is truly sorry about what he has done. It's your call about giving him another chance... I think you will make the right decision
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